When Accommodators Cave

“Please!  Someone whack my knuckles with a ruler.  Now!”  That was the plea I sent out to the Twitter Universe a few weeks ago.  I was trying desperately to prevent myself from emailing John.  Annie, bless her heart, sent back a virtual whacking that sounded something like, “There.  You’ve been whacked.”

And the next night I caved.

It had been 16 whole, long, sad, dreary days since I’d sent him an email or received anything from him.  Truth be told, he was out of cell range or internet access, and he couldn’t communicate.  (Although, I don’t know that he’d actually have written, if I hadn’t written first.)  On the 16th night I couldn’t stop my fingers.  I sent an email that said I missed him.

He wrote back, within 13 minutes, to say that he missed me.

Here’s a brief list of things that I just don’t understand:

  • Why do I get so crabby when it’s windy?  (I know it has something to do with ions and stuff, but I don’t understand.)
  • How can two kids, raised in the same family, take such different paths – one a drug dealer and one a volunteer at the local food bank, for example?
  • How come boys never listen?
  • Why do kids insist that bugars actually taste good?
  • Why do the people who actually pay their bills get harassed, while those who don’t, pay never get bugged?
  • Why does coffee taste better in smaller cups?
  • Why does John tell me he loves me and misses me, but he completely drops the ball on this when I stop doing all the relating?

Shouldn’t this be simple?  I care about him; I show him and tell him.  He says he cares, but his actions don’t back up his words. If he doesn’t care, WHY does he send an email saying he misses me?  Why not just ignore my email?  Does he think that I’ll quit asking him to relate more?  Does he think I’ll resort to past behaviors and happily fall into the role of being the person who does all the relating for both of us?   Why doesn’t he do the, “He’s Just Not That Into You” thing and completely ignore me.

Then I could give up hope.

He actually wrote and made it sound like he was thinking about coming out here to work on this.  He asked when he should come out.  But, he didn’t put anything on the calendar, and he didn’t commit to a date.  Is it an ego thing?  Do guys just like to keep women on the line to boost their egos?



It took me until today to write about this.  First off, I couldn’t write because I was embarrassed that I caved.  But the biggest reason I waited to write was that I wanted to get to where I am at this very moment.

I think John is a fine, talented, funny, caring, engaging person.

I don’t have my hopes pinned on him anymore.

Do not expect me to write, “When Accommodators Cave II”.

Last week I sent him my final email – a quote from Chris Rock:

“Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.”

I told him that I had all the evidence.

I don’t need the confession.




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  1. You never cease to amaze me. You rock!!

  2. You said that you sent him a “final email’. Does this mean your relationship is over or at least changed? I can’t tell. I am DENSE. If you are in any pain whatsoever, I want you to know that I am sorry. I really want you to be happy–all the time, not just some of the time. I know this is goofy. Even though I have never met you (in person), you are a dear dear friend. So I hope that you are comfortable with any decision that you make, now or in the future. I am sending my love and support to you. I am sending you an internet hug.

  3. Phyllis,

    Repeat after me… “I AM NOT DENSE.”

    If Will calls himself an idiot for something, I say, “Don’t say that about my son.” So, please don’t say that my friend, Phyllis, is dense.

    The relationship with John is over. I think there was only a relationship when I was doing the relating for both of us. When I stopped communicating, he stopped. When I stop the volley, he doesn’t pick up where I leave off. I don’t want that kind of relationship. I want a reciprocal exchange of emotions, feelings, care and interaction.

    I would like to believe that it is possible to be happy all the time in a relationship. I don’t know many who are. I think it might be more realistic to hope for satisfied and content. I was more insecure and dissatisfied in my relationship with John. I did not have clear signals from him. As much as we clicked well when we were together, the distance was intolerable for me. The roller coaster has taken a toll on my health both physically and mentally. I never have been a big fan of roller coasters. I’m what’s called a ‘steady relator’. I like consistency and comfort in a relationship.

    And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how you are doing, how your weekend ended up, and if you are working on year number 2 of Independence.

  4. I am doing just fine. And I certainly do appreciate all the encouragement and kind words. Yes, April 5th arrived and then was over. I don’t think my husband even realized it was the 1 year anniversary of our separation. He is very busy with his new “friend.” Hopefully he will have time to start the divorce proceedings. I am not crazy about being divorced, but it is better than being controlled and verbally abused. Much, much better. My love to all of you.

  5. To answer your question of how two kids who grew up in the same family can have such different paths:

    It may have to do with their position in the family. Research has shown that generally, the first child born into a dysfunctional family is the hero child. The second one is the black sheep. Last is family pet or joker.

    There are names for more than these three, but its been so long since I learned them that I don’t remember them all.

    I have to say that this information was extremely accurate for my family.

    RE: John – you caved for a reason. It doesn’t sound like he has been very clear with himself, so he couldn’t have possibly given you a clear signal about what he wanted either. Sending the email gave you the opportunity to get clarity.

    As far as being happy in a relationship all the time: When people are unconscious and enter a rels, they are looking for a parental substitute to fill the hole they have in their soul. That’s why so many rels are filled with chaos of some or another sort. People are reacting to whatever issues they had with their parents.

    I believe that rels are to promote inner or spiritual growth and healing, and you can be peaceful and happy there too.

  6. Donna,

    I do love how you drop keys. ;)

    Nice to hear from you.

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