The Thing Is…

The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me.  He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me.  At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.

The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me.  But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.

The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing.  But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies.  I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed.  Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.

The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I  told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing.  But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of  going to counseling.  When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.

He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone.

There was nothing wrong with him – that’s what he told me.  That’s what he told the counselors.  It was all my fault.

He told me that if I wanted to have a happy marriage, that I had to fight for it.  I had to make it a happy home, and then we’d all be happy.

The thing is… I couldn’t do it all myself.

The thing is… he didn’t really want us there.

The thing is… he doesn’t believe that two kids would rather hang with their grandparents and cousins than be with their dad.

I’m trying to be civil.  I’m trying to avoid nastiness, court rooms, and restraining orders.

He says he wants to see the kids, but when he’s here, he falls asleep on the couch.  When he’s here, it takes him 45 minutes to notice that the son he’s dying to see has left the house, and walked up to his grandparents’ house.

The thing is… he says he is going to force Jen and Will to see him whether they want to, or not. He didn’t believe them when they told him they don’t want to see him.

Yes, last night they found the courage to utter those words.

When I asked, “You mean to tell me that you love your kids so much, that you are going to make them see you whether they want to or not?”  He said, “Yes!  Absolutely!”  I said, “Is this about you or them?”  He said, “Come on, you know this is about them.”

He told me that if we moved, he’d follow us.

The thing is… I’m not dealing with a rational person.

The thing is… he is going to inflict himself on us.

The thing is… I know, down to my soul, that I need to get my kids away from him.

The thing is…

There isn’t just one thing.

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  1. He makes it so difficult and it’s so easy to be loved. You can’t command it, demand it or mandate it as his approach has been. To be loved simply requires that you be lovable.

  2. Mom,

    When did you get so smart? ;)

    It just took me 3 hours to explain that very same thing to him.

  3. I’m getting nervous here. Red flags are flying.

    Have you considered installing spy cameras so you can catch this on tape? We have spy shops in MI, so I’m guessing that they are around your house too. I don’t think they are that expensive.

    You can justify “spying” on him because he is at your house and you are protecting your kids. Obviously, the kids don’t need to know this is being installed.

    He isn’t rational. You can’t explain things to him. Give him the basic rationale: The kids don’t want to see you. The door is this way.

    And send him home.

    I find it difficult to accept that a judge wouldn’t seriously take the kids desires into account, especially if s/he asks them.

    Good Luck Sweetie!

  4. Knowing him… he won’t follow you.. It would cost him his business, his friends (the few that he has) his home, his winter activities, everything that he has built up… No he won’t. He is just sounding off to what he thinks will make you cave… I say go, and that is hard for me to mutter. Flee if you have to, run….

  5. Donna,

    I hadn’t considered video taping him. Perhaps actual evidence would make a difference. As it is, it’s a he said/she said situation.

    And most would take the word of the well-respected local businessman.

  6. Annie,

    My fingers are waiting for my brain to tell them what to write.

    I don’t know how to respond.

    I don’t know what to do.

    I’m at a loss.

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