I took my mess with me on vacation. You see, I am my Mess.
I bought Allison Nazarian’s book. I hoped to read it on vacation, from cover to cover. I enjoyed the first three pages between cocktails, horseshoes, walking, badminton, washing dishes generated from fabulously cooked meals, riding bikes, driving around to see all there was to see, putting band aids on blisters, making more cocktails and playing that game where you throw the golf balls on the strings at the frame made out of pvc pipes.
I scrambled to make sure that I kept my kids happy, my mom happy and my man happy.
My stepdad can fend for himself.
God bless that man.
Midway through the week, at 2 a.m., I found myself on the fast train to a crying jag. Apparently, accommodators should not attempt to please more than three individuals at any one time, without risking total collapse. I was in dangerous territory.
Yes.
I cried on my vacation.
I cried because I feared disappointing my kids.
I cried because I worried that I hadn’t been peddling fast enough to please my mom.
I cried because I was convinced that Kevlar Man was irritated that I shortchanged him on attention.
I cried because I was pissed that I let myself down and didn’t read more.
And then I cried because I felt guilty for crying on vacation.
Can you spell basket case?
The next morning, because my son is thoughtful and aware, even though he isn’t aware of his ski boots sitting in the middle of the dining room, I had to explain why my eyes were puffy.
He promptly rolled his eyes and said, “Mom! You aren’t in charge of making any of us happy. That’s our job.”
To which I replied, “I know that. Duh. I’ve been telling you that since you quit asking for more by pointing to the palm of your left hand with your right index finger and saying, “Eh?”
“I can’t help it, Honey. Even though I know I’m not responsible for keeping everyone happy, I still go nuts trying. That is me. That is who I am. And instead of feeling bad for being this way, I’m going to be honest and say what it is. I want to please you guys and make you happy because I love you. That’s not a bad thing, just a clumsy, backwards, ridiculously messy thing.”
So, the next morning, Kevlar Man and I took off for a couple days of peace and quiet by the pool.
But I couldn’t read there either.
I was too busy feeling guilty for having left the others behind.
I’d give anything to send my Mess on vacation.
The funny thing is we all have messes, big heaps and all. It is great when one can be self-aware, and speak them loudly and with conviction. It’s a part of us all. Don’t get me wrong – it is frustrating because with any mess you want to rid yourself of it. You want to get over those thoughts, those feelings, and just move on. The process, however, can be quite challenging and lengthy. I know all too well. Remember there’s nothing wrong with us wanting the ones we love most to be happy and okay. In the same breath, we have to know there will be times when there will be sadness, pain, and tears. Unfortunately there is no safe proof guard from these experiences. All we can do is be who we are, our best selves and be present fully in every moment.
Kira,
Thanks for this. At this point, I feel pretty blessed that my family puts up with me in all my messiness. Maybe that’s how we all show how much we do love each other.
Wish we could sit together over tea and biscotti.
Pat,
We will.
Hope you are having a grand time with a fair balance of accommodating and a healthy dose of alone time. ;)
Oh what an honest post. Our lives are messy, and the mess is what makes them ours. I love that you were willing to share this.
Thanks !
Peggie,
Ah, yes. Now it would seem that the task at hand is to apply the same level of honesty in all my relationships.
Thanks for reading, dear. ;)
I couldn’t help but smile when I read this post. I couldn’t help but think what nice sentiments to be crying over. And your feelings of inadequacy were probably unfounded… and that’s what makes the crying even more happy, if you can catch my drift. The kids were probably having a great time. Your mom was probably glad to see you enjoying yourself. Kevlar Man probably understood that you couldn’t focus all your attention on him.
And the icing on the cake was that you were able to wake up the next morning and express your honest feelings of inadequacy to someone who loves you – your wonderful son who was so quick to point out that you had no reason to feel sad over such things. (Ironically, this is the part that made *me* want to cry, out of sentimentality.)
It may be because I am more freshly out of the “living with narcissist b____d” phase than you, that I compare the before and after. A year ago I was crying in the night because I was terrified at having to spend the rest of my life with an abusive husband. And now I hardly ever cry, and when I do, it is over something that is far more trivial, and in the light of day it makes me smile to think what a difference a year makes.
Give yourself a big hug! You deserve it!
BTW – I loved the title of your post – hilarious!
Reese,
I love your comments.
This process – writing, reading, learning, living, getting feedback from you and others – is magical.
When I sit down to write, I have a vague notion of what I’m about to write – make that learn.
After posting and reading comments, the process comes full circle.
Every single time.
More than anything, this post is a round about way of acknowledging the role I played in a relationship with a narcissist. It definitely takes two people. If I hadn’t been so damned accommodating, would he have been able to steamroll my whole life? I don’t know. What comes first?
In any event, I posted this as sort of a comical, bird’s eye view of my messiness and my struggles. Perhaps the Universe is saying, “Take notice, Jesse. Make sure this pattern doesn’t keep repeating.”
In my family, a high compliment is, “You are the best.”
Reese, you are the best.
You are who you are…. although I wouldn’t call it a “mess”. You are a thoughtful, loving, giving person. At some point, will you please accept yourself?
The rest of the world that matters already has.
You are a tremendous gift to all of us from the almighty and trust me…. He hasn’t ever made any mistakes!
I do hate that you felt responsible for everyone else though…. I love that insightful boy who said it best….”You are not responsible for making any of us happy”
HMMMM.. that kid must have a terrific mom!!!
YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
Jesse-YOU ARE THE BEST!!! I’m here for tea & biscotti OR a glass of Vino. I love you!
Dee,
OKAY, already! I’ll accept myself just as soon as you accept yourself!
Thanks for all those kind words. I do know how to pick best friends.
love you ;)
Jo,
Thanks for that. Soon on the vino – very soon!
love you ;)