Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.

At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.

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Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done.  Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.

Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates.  There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni.  There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears.

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He believes they need to be supervised constantly.

She knows they need independent time to be who they are.  They need to learn to get along without an adult refereeing every potential disagreement.  They need to have  opportunities to make choices without being micro-managed.

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When he decides it’s time, he’ll pull out the paper and markers, explain that trees are always green, and show them how to correctly draw the hindquarters of a horse.

She lets them decide when they want to draw, and while she may be an expert on horses’ asses, she doesn’t pretend to be an expert at drawing them.

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He thinks it’s his job to direct their interests, introduce them to the things he loves to do, and encourage them to pursue what he enjoys doing.

She thinks it’s her job to support them in what they love doing.

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He thinks they learn best by following him around while he completes his to-do list.  They will learn to paint, repair fence, properly mow the lawn in the designated pattern, and correctly fold towels.

She goes about her chores without demanding that they follow her.  Inevitably, they come to find her and ask if they can help fold the towels, or cut the broccoli for dinner.

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He sits down to watch his favorite TV shows – which are seldom appropriate for younger viewers – and spends the evening explaining terminology and sexual innuendo.

She governs what they watch, reads while they watch an age appropriate show, and then they all end up reading together.

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In his home there will be no horsing around.  Voices are kept quiet.  When he feels like music, he plays his playlist loud.

In her home they take turns deciding which artist to listen to, and they sing and jump on the couch until she says, “That’s enough!”  They turn out all the lights, put on wacky costumes and perform Taylor Swift Concerts.

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In his world, dad visits are inconveniences.

In her world, dad visits are inconveniences.

__________

When the kids come home from a visit, Will puts down his skateboard, grabs a thick, red Sharpie and puts an X on the spot on the calendar that Mark created for these visits.

Jen grabs Nina and smothers her with hugs and kisses.

They both grab paper and markers, ask if they can watch one show, and proceed with the decompression process.

During the span of one 30 minute show, they will have drawn out their frustrations, shown each other their drawings, laughed at how they wouldn’t be allowed to draw on the couch at dad’s house, and successfully walk the bridge from one version of normal to the other.