Have you ever stood outside waiting for the 4th of July Fireworks to start while swatting mosquitoes and listening to the bats as they whiz by your head? The first chrysanthemum explodes and your kid says, “Mom, how will I know when it’s the grand finale?”
“You’ll just know.”
I’ve stood there through twenty minutes of ooooos and ahhhhhs saying, “No, honey, that’s not it. Nope, Will, that’s not it either. Jenny, put your hood up so the mosquitoes can’t get to your ears. Nope, not yet, Will.”
“Mom, will I know it when it comes?”
“Yes, honey, there’s no doubt when it’s the grand finale. It’s not like the others.”
When to Leave
What is the last straw? Does he walk away from you every time you start to tell him how you feel? Is that the last straw? How many more times will you allow her to demoralize you in front of the kids? Does she degrade you in front of your family? Is that the last straw?
When will you know you’ve tried long and hard enough? Is there a specific number of counselors to try before you can say you’ve given it your best shot? How many “Save My Marriage” books must you read before you decide there’s nothing worth saving?
How much more can your body take? Is there a magic prescription that will make all this tolerable? Is tolerable good enough?
Can you look your kid in the eye and confidently say, “I promise that I did my best and tried my hardest, honey”?
Is it time to leave when you can’t drag yourself out of bed in the morning?
If you sit down to write a pro/con list and the cons outnumber the pros by four to one, does that mean it’s time to leave?
When he doesn’t leave you with bruises, how do you know that it’s bad enough to go?
If she hasn’t spent your every last dime, is it bad enough to leave?
Can you walk away knowing you can’t do any more, and not look back?
If it looks to everyone else like you lead a charmed life and scored the perfect guy…
If she charms all your friends and family, but turns on you when you are alone…
If he looks perfect on paper, but won’t look at you across the dinner table…
How do you decide if it’s time to leave?
How will you know when it’s time to go?
You might ask your mom. You could ask your girlfriend. You might have too much wine and get up the guts to ask him if he thinks it’s time you both called it quits.
You could ask a counselor, your gynecologist, someone from the church or the mailman.
No one can tell you when it’s time to go.
You’ll just know.
Tags: divorce, front lines, marriage
I’ve got chills running up and down my body reading this. You’ve expressed it perfectly. That point at which you realise:
I have not a sliver of a doubt, there is nothing more I can do. Any hopes of him changing are useless fantasies; he can’t change the way he understands the world. And I cannot live the rest of my life like this.
M,
If we get there, it’ll be in our own time.
Once there, we can take those first scary steps in the direction of a healthy future without having to look back over a shoulder to make sure that we tried everything.
Took me 4 years of asking myself if it was time yet before it was. Great post for those of us that have left and those of us that are not there yet. xx
Z,
I woke up one morning and knew I was done. I woke up with the feeling that I was done. I’d been too busy thinking to pay attention to how I felt. When I noticed how I felt, then I was ready.
I knew I had to leave by the toll on my children and me. We are still living with the emotional wreckage, BUT we are headed in the right direction. That makes all the difference in the world.
Bless you and yours always!
Lynn,
That does make a difference. It’s easier to move forward when there is hope of a brighter future.
I certainly hope so.
Sandy,
Thanks for reading.
Take good care.
I love when you link to old posts.
M’s comment about the N not being able to change how he/she sees the world is ringing in my ears. I am sitting outside the counselor’s office as my son and his dad had a joint session. N came walking rather quickly from the room. I hope my son is ok. He was confronting the N about some issues today in attempts to elicit change. We know it won’t happen but we have to try…at least once. I feel it is the start of a downward spiral. Please let me be wrong.
Z,
I hope you were wrong. Please update.
Kudos to your son for being brave enough to confront his dad. That IS NOT easy.
I’ll quit linking to old posts once I learn the damn lessons. ;)
Lol! We all need reminders from time to time.
Well, he said it was ok. Then said the rest was confidential. Haha. I am good with that.
Z,
He’s growing up, isn’t he. Ahem… I meant your son, not the N.