This Wasn’t The Plan

ice on barbed wireThis wasn’t the plan – to be a single mom in my 50s, raising kids by myself.

I had planned to be happily married at this point.  I thought we’d all ski together and travel together and watch movies together.  I thought he and I would marvel at how brilliant our kids are – together.

I thought we’d laugh at being older-than-the average parents of young kids – together.

I thought we’d reconnect after the kids were gone and spend our retirement years skiing, traveling and watching movies – just the two of us.


But when the kids were babies and I saw the tug-of-war start, I knew I couldn’t survive in the middle.  There wasn’t enough of me to keep him happy and tend to the needs of the kids.

Something had to give.  If I had stayed, it would have been me – or the kids.

So we left – without a plan.


Now the plan adapts as we go along.  The three of us ski together, but now it’s not a job.  That’s what he had turned skiing into.  The three of us travel together, when the budget allows, and now we can go where we want to go, instead of where he insists that we go.  And movies are agreed on by the three of us.  The kids aren’t watching something inappropriate because dad insists on watching what he likes to watch.

I marvel at how brilliant our kids are.  I’m not sure he notices.

I do laugh at being older-than-the-average parents of young kids, when I’m not trying to catch my breath from attempting to keep up.


This wasn’t the plan, but it kept the good parts of the original plan, and it’s a helluva lot better than where that plan was taking me.

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  1. “This wasn’t the plan, but it kept the good parts of the original plan, and it’s a helluva lot better than where that plan was taking me.”

    Yes. Right now that’s what I’m holding on to.

  2. Adapting. Isn’t that what all of life is about?

  3. And, by the way, you’ve adapted beautifully!

  4. Wow! Once again . . . what a beautiful way to see the good and the positive in the midst of a “this was not the plan” life. I relate to every word of this post! Thank you Jesse!

    I love your writings! Your blog is a respite for me!

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!


  5. Lynn,

    I don’t know if you like eggnog. Will insists that we have some in the fridge. The next time he pours glasses, I’ll raise mine to you.

    Merry Christmas to you and your children.

  6. You have done brilliantly sans plan. Maybe it’s not supposed to be scripted…maybe that’s the lesson, with some resolve and resilience thrown in. Hope you had a lovely Christmas!

  7. Z,

    Speaking of plans… I can’t be the only Thriver wondering how you’re doing in the new job.

  8. Jesse,

    I am very honored by your eggnog toast!!

    Hugs and jubilant New Year wishes to all of you!!

    ; )

  9. Thanks for asking! It’s going well. It took a few weeks to ‘cut the cord’ of my old department. We talked or emailed almost daily. The new department still brings all the issues from my old department to me to sort through. It will take a bit to completely transition the “we” to “them”, but that is ok. We all need to be weaned slowly. Lol. You would have had a chuckle being a fly on the wall when the narcissist doctor called my new department (they are the entity that approves his research) and told them all they didn’t know what they were doing (females) until they passed him off to the male in charge. He couldn’t be more gracious and understanding then! Barf. I was the ‘obstacle’ that prevented him from abusing them earlier. Of course they came to me in a bit of shock as they had only seen the smart and respectful facade. I don’t wish it on anyone else, but it really felt good to not be my burden anymore. This was a great move for me. :)

  10. Lynn,

    Might as well admit that there was more than one toast. ;) After all, it is the holidays.

    The best to you and your children. Oh how I hope for a positive year!!

  11. Z,

    Cutting the cord relates directly to how valuable you were at the old place. I can’t imagine you being any other way. Now that you are no longer buffering for the “work” N, you’ve added years to your life. (Now to be done with the other…) There must have been some sweetness when the the others at work saw his true colors.

    Yay! I’m so glad for your good change.

  12. I FEEL so much better that I am sure the blood vessels in my head are sighing from relief. The bomb has stopped ticking and I put the Dammit Doll away. (Have you ever seen one of those? My old boss gave it to me. It looks a bit like a voodoo doll lol)

    Thanks for the compliment. You know, I was thinking the crazy was me for a long time even when I know better. That’s what happens when you don’t get a chance to step back from it all. I was trying, but shit was hitting the fan all the way up to the last moment. It didn’t have to be that way, but I think some thought I was leaving so why not? So glad to be moving on at work anyway… Now on to the custody trial…

  13. Z,

    No truer words – “thinking the crazy was me for a long time ….” Geez, it’s so damn easy to get stuck in that thinking that we’re the crazy ones.

    I don’t know about you, but I have a very optimistic feeling about 2015. I know you’ve got the custody trial, but your work thing is fixed. You’re on a positive trend.

    I can feel that we are, too. (Damn, I hope so. In the event I’m wrong, how do I get one of those Dammit Dolls?)

    Love you, Zaira! Happy New Year to you and yours.

  14. Amazon has them. Lol. But I hope you won’t need it! I am feeling confident that narcissism is getting its ass kicked this month. It is long overdue and some intolerance has been expressed in the preliminary opinions. Let’s hope that is the case and justice is served. I usually am not so bold to say what I want out loud, but I must channel that energy now. We need some resolution to the bs. Plus then I can move on to the rest of my kick ass list. :)
    Love you too! Big hugs and Happy New Year!

  15. Thanks Jesse!! I am hoping for and believing 2015 will be a positive year. I want the same for Will, Jen, and you!!

    It is snowing glitter here tonight and the world is hushed a bit by a blanket of fresh snow. I love that!

    Have a great week!!

  16. Z,

    I’ll say it out loud, too! Jen will join me. ;) (Will is skiing…)

  17. Lynn,

    That’s a lovely image… “snowing glitter.” Thanks for that. :)

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