She grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. Her mom grew up watching her mom sweep everything under the rug. It was what they did. Their hurts, disappointments, frustrations and expectations all went under the rug.
In the beginning, only the big stuff made it under the rug – the aunt’s DUI, the brother’s marital transgressions, the grandfather’s financial mess. (There were some things under the rug that are too big to mention here – like the time her husband back-handed her.) But, as time went on, she found it easier to sweep even the little things under the rug. Disappointments fit under there nicely, thereby preventing an inevitable argument if she dared to mention those disappointments.
When the kids were younger, it wasn’t an issue. They didn’t notice her lifting the corner of the rug several times a week, and if they did, they thought it was normal. The difficulty came when the kids got old enough to notice. They couldn’t help but trip over the heap under the rug. They’d hear dad’s harsh words, see mom grab the broom, and they just knew she’d reach for the corner of the rug.
Recently she’d come home with a new, much larger rug to accommodate the pile. She moved the old rug to her daughter’s room. The colors in the rug worked well with the colors in her daughter’s duvet. That’s how she would justify the purchase of the larger rug.
She never took the time to explain to the kids why she hid things. Better to leave it alone than open up that can of worms and have to deal with all the issues heaped under the rug. The kids got to the point where they pretended not to notice. They’d look the other way when mom reached for the broom.
The kids learned to keep their disappointments to themselves. They didn’t express their hurts. They didn’t go to mom with their heartbreaks. Oh, they had tried to discuss things with mom, but the minute they’d mention something uncomfortable, mom would get up from the table and go for the broom. At some point, they could no longer burden mom with more sweeping or the prospect of having to buy a bigger rug.
A few more years and lots more sweeping later, as she’s walking into her teenage daughter’s room carrying a laundry basket full of folded jeans and t-shirts, she trips. She catches herself before dropping the basket of clothes. After placing the basket on the bed, she turns to see what had caught her toe. There, on the floor of her daughter’s room, was a noticeable pile under the rug.
Tags: cuz I am Woman, gentle reminders, life, Parenting
Jesse,
Good for you for stopping the cycle of “rug purchasing.” I know for our situation, I have been determined to stop the generational cycle of abuse. I want my kids to know and live healthy!! We are on our way . . . but the path has been long!
Sending peaceful thoughts . . .
Lynn,
I sure know what you mean about the path being long, but at least you are on the right path. :)
Hope you all are enjoying the summer.
Jesse,
AMEN to that!! We are having a nice summer–it is flying by but it is pleasant.
I hope the same for you and yours!!
Kick your shoes off, have a glass of wine, and watch the sunset.
Lynn,
How did you know that I only rarely give myself permission to do that – kick back and enjoy the summer.
Thank you!! :)
I really love this and keep thinking about how I did this with my own marriage.
Rebecca,
Hello and thanks for being here.
That’s an easy habit to get into – sweeping things under the rug – and an awfully hard one to break. I’m still working on that.
Take good care.