On Ease and Intuition

jackofclubsThe other night we were watching David Blaine on Netflix.  I’m not into magic, but I was humoring Will.  It was good, except my overthinking brain churns on trying to figure out the tricks.  In one segment, Blaine approached a fellow and said, “Pick a card.”  A Jack of Clubs popped into my head.  Before I could say, “You guys, it’s a Jack of Clubs,” the fellow on the TV said, “Jack of Clubs.”  I told the kids and they were less than surprised, because that stuff happens all the time around here.

We can’t turn on the car radio without one of them saying, “I woke up with that song on my mind, and there it is.  They never play that one.”  Or, “Hey, I was just thinking about so-and-so and they left a message on my voicemail.”

(Doesn’t mean I don’t love you if I don’t pick up when you call.  INFJ, remember?)

Or Jen says, “Hey, we should go to Cafe Rio tonight,” and Will blurts out, “I was just gonna say that!”  We do spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t explain all of these incidences.  We’re not reading each other’s minds just because we are always together.  Besides, the older Will gets, the less I’m able to read his mind.

Intuition is a big deal to all three of us.  It drives our passions.  Intuition tells Will where the fishing will be better.  Intuition guides Jen as she creates figures out of sculpey.  As an INFJ, I’m hard-pressed to think of anything that can’t be enhanced, improved or avoided if I’ve been paying attention to my intuition.

Many INFJs are thought to be psychic.  I think we appear to be psychic because we are so tuned into our intuition.

So how come I end up completely ignoring my intuition when it comes to relationships?

I’ve seen, and ignored, enough red flags to write the book on red flags.  Every time my intuition tries to get my attention, I turn the other way.  It’s a wonder I’m intuitive at all anymore.

If I were my intuition, I’d give up on me, too.

What I’ve noticed, though, is that when I pay attention to my intuition, and act accordingly, I feel at ease with the choice I make.  Pieces fall into place without my having to work as hard to get them there.  Problems become less problematic, and fewer issues become problems.  Things start to flow.  That’s cliche, but it’s true.

So if I see the ease in following my intuition, why don’t I when it comes to relationships?  Why don’t you follow your intuition when it comes to relationships?  Or if you do, please tell me what that looks like.


*heavy sigh*


While I might trust my intuition when it comes to navigating in a town I’m only slightly familiar with, or solving a technical problem on this blog, or taking a chance on a new career and having all the signs confirm my decision, I have absolutely no faith in my intuition when it comes to relationships.

It’s not my intuition’s fault.  It hollers at me and warns me and tells me to stop.  It gives me an upset stomach (that I probably mistake for butterflies) and makes my back hurt and prevents me from sleeping.  My intuition is wearing itself out trying to get my attention, but I don’t listen because I’m not convinced that ease is part of a relationship.  I’ve seen enough examples to believe that a relationship is supposed to be hard.  It’s supposed to be work and harsh words and tears and apologies.  While I’m in the middle of the work and the tears and the apologies, I might think that I’m doing things right, but I sure miss the ease of knowing that I’m doing things right.


Lately, though, my intuition has been whispering the same thing over and over.  “You don’t believe you deserve ease.   You don’t believe you are good enough.  Until you believe you deserve better, you’ll keep getting more of the same.”


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  1. Listen to her…work on what she is telling you…if you reject the notion, it’s her correcting you. Look at it from a different angle. Focus on what YOU want, not whether you are giving him what he wants. And remember, it’s not supposed to be hard! I really believe that is something we tell ourselves to keep going. There can be challenges where you support each other, but if the person is the problem, it’s a concern to overanalyze ;)

  2. Blessed with the spooky intuition gene also, l believe in my next life it should fit like a hand in glove.

  3. Re “Why don’t you follow your intuition when it comes to relationships? Or if you do, please tell me what that looks like.”

    I can tell you what it looks like, for me. It’s all about creating the mental space to hear it. I have found repeatedly over the years, through both mindfulness meditation, and from the more meditative forms of Christian prayer, that answers pop up to questions I hadn’t even figured out how to ask. As someone once said, “We pray not to talk to God, but to hear what He’s saying to us.”

    Whether you frame that inner voice as intuition, or God, or something else, the point is that when you make the mental space to listen, you will hear.

    As for what I mean by meditative forms of Christian prayer, I’m talking about things like: contemplative meditation, saying the rosary, Lectio Divina (reading a bible passage very slowly and pausing to pray when a phrase jumps out at you), and the Ignatian Examen (reviewing your day and thinking about when God was speaking to you).

    I’m convinced meditation works, whether the frame put around it is atheist, agnostic, Christian, Buddhist, Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, or anything else. The frame doesn’t matter as much as the actual doing.

  4. Z,

    What? Focus on what I want? That’s radical!

    Seriously, I can hear myself telling another that, but I can’t believe that would also apply to me. And then the 14 year old inside says, “When did you forget to focus on what you want? Why?”

    I needed this. Thank you.

  5. Mo,

    I hope we won’t live so far from each other in that next go ’round.

  6. M,

    Thank you for sharing.

    It occurs to me that I do something like what you described when it comes to writing or my kids. It’s time I apply the same approach to my own soul-searching.

    Or maybe – on some level – I do, but in the middle of something that I think might hold promise, I refuse to accept what intuition is telling me, because I want it to work so badly?

    Your comment brings me some peace. Thank you.

  7. Jesse! hi! I’m so glad you’re still writing and I see you’ve even published some books. Congratulations! I found your blog during my divorce over 6 years ago while living in Florida; there were some truly dark days at that time and your blog was a haven of safety, connection and hope. How do I follow you? I started my own blog and it feels amazing! My name is a pseudonym mostly due to work but either way, what a healing outlet.
    Many thanks to you and continued well wishes for your life-giving writing. I hope you’re well.

  8. Ruth-Anne,

    I had been telling Jen that I was followed on Pinterest by “borninprovidence” – “Jen, isn’t that a unique name?” And here you are. Then I went over to your blog. Will definitely go back! Beautiful place to go. I sense the same cathartic release in your writing. So happy for you to have that outlet. As I just told Jen, I’ve gotta write a post this morning as it feels like all the words are burning a spot in my mind because they want so desperately to be let out.

    As for following the blog? Well, thanks. I used to rely on the RSS feed for that, but as that is now defunct, I better find a button. No time to be a lazy blogger. ;)

    You sound like you are doing well. Glad of that. Thanks for finding me again.


  9. Follow relationships by intuition? Perhaps we’re not ready to trust. So we follow nothing. But it is us who chooses what we do.

    One thing I think about is that I need to bring something to the table just as I expect the other person to do. It forms a relationship.

    Perhaps, I know my limits. Time has changed my outlook.

    Do simple relationships exist or are relationships composed of drama? I’d like a simple relationship, but until my intuition tells me I’m at such…I appreciate my intuition.

    It certainly has been guiding throughout my life & continues. If only I had followed my intuition of not marrying who I did….I wouldn’t be posting right now.

  10. Kay,

    I’ve done a lot of that… “If only I’d paid attention to the red flags or listened to intuition…” And I always come back to, if I had, Will and Jen wouldn’t be here. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Gawd! Sometimes it seems ridiculous that something like that (life with a narcissist) would have to happen in order to bring such light to the world, but the Universe has a sense of humor. I’m reminded of that every day, too.

    I’m easier with it all now. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just worn out. I only occasionally get really pissed at what a jerk he is. And then I look at art or read a good book or smell wood smoke on a crisp fall morning and think there is so much beauty in the world, and I don’t want to let my thoughts hang around that ugliness. So I move on.

    And, hey, I met you, so there’s proof that there are many bright spots in all that mess. :)

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