Why I Didn’t March

Have you ever stood outside a narcissist’s man cave yelling at him that it’s time he helped with the laundry and took a turn at entertaining the kids, only to be told that that is woman’s work?

Have you stood in front of a narcissist, hands on your hips, telling him that you will no longer be ignored and that it’s time that your dreams were made a priority, too, only to hear him say, “But if you focus on my dreams, we’ll both be happy.”

Have you written the letter that says, “I’m done!  I will not live like this anymore!  For my sake, and for the good of this family, things have to change around this place,” and he responds with, “Geez, settle down.  Did you forget to eat breakfast again?”

 

Has screaming, yelling and demanding attention ever worked with a narcissist?

 

Have you read the research that clearly states that politicians need a healthy dose of narcissism to make it in the political arena?

We will not get equality by yelling at them.  We won’t even get their attention.

As we encourage each other to stand in the cold outside their fortresses, trying to prove that we matter, they are sitting behind their too-expensive mahogany desks laughing at us while they pass more legislation that furthers their agenda.

 

Instead, focus on what you can do in your own backyard.  Raise your kids to understand that no gender is better than another and that no race is better than another.  Show your kids that while things may never be fair, we can work together to get closer to fair.  Continue reaching out to your neighbors, helping when and where needed.

Screaming and yelling has never worked in my house. Quiet persistence and determination always proves successful over the long haul.

 

Real, lasting change takes time and it happens, first, in our own homes. 

 

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6 comments

  1. Hello you beautiful human being,

    I didn’t march either, not for the same reasons as you, but because my head’s been so filled with getting this non-profit up that I just couldn’t even go there. And I agree with you that it probably won’t make any impact on Trump personally, but I think maybe the marches did help to connect people in a way that hasn’t happened in a very long time. And if we’re all very courageous, we can keep encouraging those connections within our own communities. Because let’s face it, Congress and all those politicians are working towards their own agendas. Taking your approach a step further, out of our own households and into our communities, is the way we care for each other.

    Please give your kiddos hugs for me and know I love you guys tons and am sorry I’ve been such crap about commenting on your blog. I’m going to keep moving on creating The Healing Well and working to keep myself, my family, and my community sane and functioning. Let me know if you need anything on my end – I’m so behind on my own narcissism resources blog and I need to add all the articles I’ve got on Trump, but you know I’ll come running if you need anything.

  2. I believe that sunlight is the best disinfectant. I believe that getting out there (physically or metaphorically) and telling your story and hearing others say “You too??” has been a crucial step to those who have been abused.
    Knowing you are part of a community can give us the courage to continue to stay the course, to continue to value ourselves in the face of gaslighting, and to keep in touch with reality when we are bombarded by lies, being misled, being told that our senses are not telling us the truth.
    I think THAT is what all this marching can do for us. Getting out (again, not necessarily physically) and hearing other people say that it’s not ok when someone tells you to just ‘get over it’ and ‘play nice’ and so on stiffens our backbones, empowers our own stories and reminds us that we aren’t alone at all.
    Yelling, to me, isn’t what this is about. Trying to get the abuser’s attention and correcting their actions and behaviors isn’t the point either, really. It’s growing deep roots so we have the courage to stand up for our rights and our communities, for our children, for humanity. He isn’t listening, from his gilded cage, but remember — the narcissist won’t ever change. All that can ever change is EVERYTHING ELSE.

  3. Jenn,

    It’s always wonderful to see you here. I love when you share your survivor story. It gives hope to many, just as your new venture will surely do. You set a fine example!

  4. Kate,

    Absolutely beautiful!

    In the end, that’s all we can do… share our story and hope it sheds light for another, in whatever way works for us.

    Nice to see you here!

  5. Hi Jesse,

    what you wrote about screaming and yelling reminded me of a radio interview with some college professor specializing in professional development, HR, leadership etc. He explained that it is not helpful to make someone who is already very insecure feel even more threatened (he regarded Trump’s obvious narcissism as a sign of insecurity). What such a person needed to calm down and behave more rational was, in his opinion, acceptance, warmth and amenability. The radio host, who was trying to find out what a staff member of such a person could do to have a good career, then asked: “So if I display this kind of behaviour, act in a reassuring way etc., then I have a chance to succeed or get a promotion?” The professor replied: “No, giving such a person what he/she needs will make them relax and be more rational, but it does not mean that they will show any loyalty to you.” I had not expected to hear such wisdom from someone dealing with HR and management issues and was really impressed.

  6. Hi Jul,

    Love this!

    Clearly that HR person “gets” narcissism!

    I would suggest that giving them what they want doesn’t make them more rational, but they will temporarily appear more rational.

    Thanks for writing!

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