Go Quietly in the Direction of Your Change

in the direction of changeTell your mom, if you want.  You might even tell your dad.  Telling your parents depends on your relationship with them.  Remember, you don’t owe them anything.

You don’t need to tell your kids.  If you tell them now, and it takes a while, they’ll sound a lot like, “Mom?  Is it today?  Is it happening today?  When?  Mom, when is the change gonna happen?”  You don’t need that kind of pressure.

Depending on the relationship you have with your BFF, you may want to wait to tell her.  But …  if you can’t tell her right away, she’s not the BFF you think she is.

I have no idea how to predict how a guy responds to anything, so whether you tell him, or not, is up to you.

I do know, though, that if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s better not to tell him or her at all.  Make the change.  See if they notice.  If they bring up the change, then be prepared to discuss, or more accurately, listen.


For instance, you’ve decided to dye your hair purple.

Your mom will probably tell you all the reasons why your hair is gorgeous just the way it is.  Your dad won’t care one way or another.  In fact, if you weren’t in the room, and your mom asked your dad what color your hair is right now, he wouldn’t know, not because he doesn’t care, but because dads don’t notice those things.  (Admittedly, I’m a bit jaded.)

If you announce to your kids that you want to dye your tresses magenta, your kids will want to dye their hair, too.  There’s nothing wrong with that, except then you’ve got a circus to deal with, instead of your attempt to do something just for you.

Your BFF will insist that she go with you because she’s been wanting a change, and dying her hair is just what she needs to do right now.  You need to do this one by yourself, but you don’t know how to tell her that this is just about you.

If you tell a narcissist that you plan to dye your hair, you’ll be met with all the reasons why hair need not be dyed; or if hair does need to be dyed, then it ought to be this color or that color, but certainly not purple.  Or it should be cut, and while you’re at it, why aren’t you doing something about those lines around your eyes, or that thickening around your waist.

So keep that idea to yourself.  You don’t need the pressure.


For that matter, why are you in that kind of relationship?

Why are you doting on one who doesn’t dote on you?

Why have you found yourself in a relationship where it’s best not to tell him things?

Why are you walking on egg shells?

Why doesn’t he celebrate you for who you are in all your glorious uniqueness?

Why is he trying to control you and manipulate you and turn you into someone who meets his standards or better reflects the image he’s trying to portray?


Could be it’s time to quietly go in a new direction?

Just don’t tell the narcissist.


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  1. Jesse,

    The answer is found in the questions you have written.

    Love your style!

  2. Beautiful. Made me smile.

    Brings to mind what I was told years ago about establishing a meditation practice. As tempting as it is to tell everyone “I’m meditating now”, don’t say a word. Just focus on doing it.

  3. Kay,

    Wish it had been that easy to find those answers lo those many years ago. I bet you can relate.

  4. Hi M,

    I like what you added. I’m going to try that – meditating without announcing so. Maybe that’s why I never get away with it. Even the cat needs my attention once I’ve proclaimed the need to meditate.

    Thanks for reading… and writing.

  5. Hi, Jesse,

    Yes, I relate to finding those answers…wish it had been years ago. Now, it’s easy to know the questions are red flags..makes life easier & safer.

    I considerate it preventative maintenance. Knowing the truth now & acting in a healthy way to myself prevents all that toxic garbage flowing into my life.

  6. Hello, M,

    Great information you passed to us: “don’t say a word” Took a few years to learn that on my own, but it’s wonderful! Wish I’d read that “back then”.

  7. REVISIT to M’s post,

    How is it that we’re in such a habit of announcing & accounting to family & whoever about the usage of our time?

    To me, it seems a habit developed in childhood & continued into our adult lives.

    What do you think?

  8. Kay,

    A lot of times I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see the red flags. Then I remember everything happens for a reason. Maybe this journey is all about teaching Jen and Will. I certainly hope they see the red flags quicker than I do. ;)

  9. Kay,

    If I may respond to what you said in the REVISIT to M’s post…

    I know that I grew up feeling like I needed to account for what I was doing. It better make sense, be productive, be useful. Then once I had kids, if I didn’t announce, “Hey, I’m going pee!” they’d be looking all over for me, and then they’d bug their dad, and we couldn’t have that.

    Now, tho, I think it’s fun and empowering when one of my kids is off doing something and they haven’t announced it or made me aware of their plan. That’s independence, trust and respect.

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