“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.” Continue reading →
Lack of Empathy
26
May 10
Beauty, Insecurity and Denial of the Feminine
I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. And of course, I was probably swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted. But I felt beautiful. Continue reading →
6
May 10
Trail Guide
“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.” That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today. Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids. She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment. Continue reading →
5
May 10
Hiking in Narcissism Country
It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country. Continue reading →
4
May 10
Update on the Counseling Process
We haven’t heard a word from Mark.
The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all. Continue reading →
30
Apr 10
It Is What It Is
The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”. I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning. When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years. But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home - our little sanctuary - close in around us. It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps. Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them. But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation. Continue reading →
29
Apr 10
Now What
I think that if you shake the tree, you ought to be around when the fruit falls to pick it up.
Mary Cassatt
29
Apr 10
Approaching Full-Circle
“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests. Continue reading →
27
Apr 10
Being Heard
It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage. Continue reading →
26
Apr 10
Kismet
Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.
It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin. Continue reading →
