Lack of Empathy


3
Jul 12

When He Cries

yin and yangBeware of men who cry.
It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings,

but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with
are their own.
– Nora Ephron
 

Beware the man who, when you tell him you’re leaving your husband, starts to cry and lament the fact that his wife left him five years ago.

 

Beware the man who, when surrounded by the beauty of his own children, sheds “happy” tears about a stranger’s five year old daughter who sat on his lap and kissed his cheek.

 

Embrace the man who gazes at you and tears up because he knows his life is blessed by your presence; and he makes it his mission to never let you feel taken for granted.

 

 

 


8
Jun 12

The Secret Ingredient in My Low-Tech Cappuccino

 

The froth is the perfect warmth as it clings to my lips.   The nutmeg tastes earthy.   The espresso is strong enough without stealing the show from the froth.  And the sugar….  oh…

Starting the day with cappuccino is a fine way to practice a little self-care.  This is indulgence with a kick.

 

Low-Tech Cappuccino

  • 1/3 C  2% milk
  • 3 T finely ground espresso or dark roast
  • 1 t sugar – rounded and spilling over
  • pinch of nutmeg or cinnamon or both
  • Continue reading →


26
Apr 12

Selective Attention and Homemade Tea Bags

her pretend tea bags When I brew a cup of tea, Jenny runs over to stand next to my cup.  Her turned-up nose hovers over the steam as she inhales deeply.  She loves the smell of tea but isn’t fond of the taste.  She often asks if she can dunk my tea bag while she watches the hot water take on the soft yellow of Chamomile.  She likes knowing the color comes from flower petals.

I think she’s drawn to the ritual of the process.  She’s fascinated by the little envelopes that hold the dried leaves.  She likes the names of tea:  English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Honey Bush, Peppermint and Lemon Zinger.

And so she spent the better part of a sunny afternoon, sitting out on the patio with paper, embroidery floss, staples, tape and markers to make her own tea bags.  Her tea bags contained imaginary dried petals and herbs.

Will and I marveled at how much they looked like real tea bags.  Maybe these were tea bags for baby dolls.  They might be used for a party with imaginary friends.

Jenny served us up some “steaming hot tea” in pastel-colored cups with mismatched saucers.  Will asked for Peppermint.  I chose Earl Grey. Continue reading →


15
Apr 12

Narcissism – The Crux of the Matter

Me:  “He’s demonstrated that he is more than willing to put in the time.  When other kids his age beg to play Xbox, he searches the internet for tips on golf swings.  Clearly, this is one of his top three passions – it may be the thing he is most passionate about.  We’ve been told by a couple instructors that he is blessed with some natural talent.  We don’t spend money on soccer or baseball or football or guitar or karate.  I really think it’s time we get him some lessons and support him in this thing he loves.”

Him:  “My parents never did that for me.”


2
Apr 12

He Might Be A Narcissist If …

… before you were married, he said flattering things about the way you dressed and the clever way you put yourself together.  After marriage, he tells you how he never liked boots with skirts, and that you shouldn’t wear your hair short because it makes your face look full.

… he refuses to suggest that you spend a day doing something you’ve been talking about – something he knows you’ve been dying to do – until you beg him to go with you.

… he spends more time getting ready in the morning than you.  His lotions and potions take up more space in the bathroom than your creams, and he often smells more fragrant than you.

… before marriage he was convinced you did everything perfectly.   Now that you’ve been married for eight months you’ve mysteriously forgotten how to cook an egg, sweep a floor, make a proper bed or keep the car tidy.

… he says you spend too much time reading and not enough time watching the stuff he likes on T.V. Continue reading →


9
Mar 12

Things That Can Be Fixed

Jenny fixes a too gaudy Barbie dress by altering it.  She cuts off the flouncy sleeves and shortens the train.  She might use tape or thread or buttons, but she knows she can fix it.  She’ll even fix Barbie’s hair with snips here and there.

When the wheels don’t spin fast enough on his skateboard, Will can fix that problem by cleaning the bearings.

I can fix a too-thin sauce in a batch of  Chicken and Broccoli Fettuccine by letting the sauce soak into the pasta a bit before serving.

I fix the toilet when it makes that whistling sound.  Will fixes the squeaky hinge on the art supply cupboard.  Jen fixes a meal of flowers and herbs for her imaginary pony.

Fixing is what we do.  Fixing is in our blood. Continue reading →


9
Jan 12

They Look Through You

Whether it comes from years of looking inward, or years of not seeing clearly, I don’t know.  Their eyes take on a cloudiness that makes it look like they have a difficult time focusing on the rest of the world.

You will feel yourself fighting the urge to hold a magnifying glass between yourself and the Narcissist, but it won’t help.  If you aren’t careful, they’ll use the magnifying glass against you.  They’ll find your flaws and use them to illustrate the fact that they are superior to you.

They’ll point out that they cook eggs better than you, or sweep the floor better or dress better or laugh easier.

 

The Making of a Narcissist Continue reading →


5
Jan 12

The Day She Gave Up On Herself

She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself.  She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.”

It just happened.

Like so many things just happen.

 

Team Players Continue reading →


31
Oct 11

Scary

Scary is having your son’s 1st grade teacher ask you if there are problems at home that might explain your son’s nervous tic.

Scary is loosing contact with family and friends because your husband doesn’t like you to keep in touch over the phone or have company come for dinner.

Scary is not being able to sleep because you fear the treatment you’ll receive the next day because you will – once again – disappoint him and fail to meet his expectations.

Scary is believing that you have done something to bring about the treatment you are receiving.

Scary is staring out the window while sipping the morning’s first cup of coffee and realizing that the emptiness you feel every day is what you are going to feel for the rest of your life, if you don’t get out of this situation.

Scary is realizing you have forgotten who you are.

Scary is finally getting the courage to write him a letter explaining your fears and desperation, only to have him tell you that the issues are yours and he’ll support you in your efforts to fix them.

Scary is believing you don’t deserve any better.

Scary is knowing that your husband can’t see his own children for who they are, but tries to mold them into what he wants them to be.

Scary is knowing that if you stay, your children’s spirits will be snuffed out.

Scary is feeling so frightened and desperate that you pack your bags and leave the house you’ve lived in for thirteen years without having a backup plan.

Scary is knowing everyone thinks you are crazy for leaving such a wonderful person.

Scary is getting out, and fearing you’ll end up in another relationship with a narcissist.


14
Oct 11

A Different Version of Normal

At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.

At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.

Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done.  Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.

Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates.  There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni.  There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears. Continue reading →


3
Oct 11

Serendipity in a Story

Through tears she asked, “How come he says other kids do things well, but he can’t say that about me?  How come he doesn’t think I’m great?  What do I have to do to get him to say those things about me?”

Will turned to me and said, “Mom, you have to call him.  Tell him!  Tell him he needs to say that stuff about Jenny.  Tell him it hurts Jen’s feelings when he brags about other kids and doesn’t talk about what Jen does.  Call him!”

I asked Will to hand Jenny a kleenex.

“Honey, I can call your dad if that’s what you want.  I can talk to him about this – again.  If you think that will help you to feel better, I’ll do it.”

She wiped her tears and said, “It never does any good.  It never makes a difference.  He won’t change.  He doesn’t hear us.  What’s the point?” Continue reading →


20
Sep 11

Settle Down

studying-women1

She came home from work with a story to share.  She was animated and expressive.  Her emotions were out in full force.  She was starring in her own one-act play about an event from her day.  She couldn’t wait to share it with him.

She’d always loved when he shared his stories.  She knew he would give her his full attention.

She never could talk without moving her hands, and as she got wound up with the telling of the details, she was gesturing and demonstrating and waving and pointing and gasping for breaths.

He looked up from the newspaper and said,”Whoa, girl, settle down!” Continue reading →


8
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos.  We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons.  I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday.  Jenny is throwing confetti.  Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes!  We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →


17
Jul 11

A Day in the Life of a Narcissist

He said he’d be here at 9:oo a.m.

Then he changed his mind.

He didn’t want to do what the kids wanted to do so he said, “I’m not coming at nine.  I don’t want to go where they want to go.”

The kids called and sent texts asking why he didn’t want to go where they wanted to go.

He avoided answering calls and texts.

I went to his house to ask him why he is manipulating the kids in this way.

He refused to answer the door. Continue reading →


5
Jul 11

The Narcissist’s Lens

She gets off the phone and sighs and says, “Dad says he’ll go to the park with me for a little bit, but he doesn’t want to stay too long because he gets bored.”

He comes back from riding his bike around the block and says, “How come dad doesn’t ever want to do what we want to do?  If he does finally do what we like, he mopes and pouts and tells us he has to get going.”

He shows up at the house with a new baseball mitt for him, and nothing for her.

He sits on the step and pretends to listen to her talk about her imaginary pony until an adult walks up.  Once he sees the opportunity a new audience provides, he stands, turns to this new person and tells him tales of mountain bike rides and how many hours he logs at the office.  Realizing that he is no longer listening, she looks down and continues drawing her pony.

He tells me that he’d like to call his dad and tell him about how high his ollies are now, but his dad doesn’t listen and act excited.  He’s thinking that maybe his dad says that it’s cool that he loves skateboarding, but he can feel that his dad is pretending to care.

They have both told me that they don’t know why they can’t be themselves around their dad.  They don’t show him their silly sides or their tired sides, or the side-splitting funny sides because they fear he won’t approve.

It’s exhausting having to be perfect all the time.

It’s no fun pretending to be something you aren’t all the time.

“How come he doesn’t want to love who we really are?”

__________

After the last visit, he turned to me and said, “I think they’d want to spend more time with me if they weren’t missing you while they were with me.”