The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop. The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue. The cue was the sound of the garage door opening. Continue reading →
Moving On
22
Aug 11
“It’s Karma, Stupid.”
“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”
“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”
“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”
“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”
“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”
“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”
…
“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity. That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”
*From a conversation - Seeing My Path.
18
Aug 11
On Cute Puppies and Leaving Well Enough Alone
If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine. Continue reading →
15
Aug 11
Walls, Fences and Structures
An excerpt from Seeing My Path.
… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.
The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.
I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.
. . .
The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.
On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.
What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?
What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?
Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?
Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.
*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.
It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)
11
Aug 11
Seeing My Path
We ran out of Fritos.
Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake. The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.
We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!
I know! I said I was going to write this book.
I did it!
This book is all new content!
There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.
__________
You can link to Seeing My Path to read a little about the book, or you can click under the image on the sidebar.
___________
I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.
I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post. Soon.
In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book. Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us. Thank you for your compassion and wise words.
I am blessed to have you touch my life.
Pass the cake!
8
Aug 11
Surviving Nicely – 2
It feels good typing the title of this post.
I hope you like Fritos. We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons. I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday. Jenny is throwing confetti. Will is tech decking in the background. Continue reading →
6
Aug 11
Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon
An excerpt from Seeing My Path…
“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care? Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our eyebrows were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?
Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?
Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.
Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.
Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.
Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.
Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids? Try to feel that way about us. We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness. We know the depth of our character.
Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.
Love us as much as we love the kids.
Forgive our screw ups.
Believe in our intentions.
Allow us to grow into who we are.”
*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.
2
Aug 11
I’m Scared
Last night I was re-reading the book I’ve been working on. I’ve been excited to put this project together for you.
As I was reading, those crappy voices assaulted me – the ones that say, “Who the hell gives a shit about Jesse Blayne’s messed up choices? Who wants to spend two more minutes of their time reading about this woman? What difference does it make?”
So at 10:30 last night, I fired off an email to my aunt. She has read the book and offered some invaluable comments and suggestions. She is smart and wise and good. She’ll set me straight.
I asked her, “Is this book just a bunch of narcissistic B.S.? Is it going to help anyone?”
I went to bed prepared to rewrite the whole book.
__________
This morning I realized I’m doing it again – I’m worrying about what everyone else will think. My default position is to always head in the direction that others think is best.
The others might be my family, or the blogging experts, or the SEO gurus or the ebook generators or the bean counters or whoever else plants seeds of doubt in my already crowded, full-of-doubt brain.
So I did what I always do when I feel the need to take a flyswatter to all those doubts buzzing around in my head.
I started thinking about you.
I started thinking about what you are scared of.
I started thinking about the doubts buzzing around in your head.
You are the person I’ve been writing this book for.
Not the SEO gurus, the ebook generator people, or my mom or Kevlar Man or even my aunt, much as I love her.
__________
I’ve been scared before.
I’ll be scared again.
I’m not changing anything – except for some typos and the whole it’s/its thing – if I catch ‘em all.
*Just as I was about to hit publish, I got a response from my aunt. The gist was this: “Don’t change a thing! Go Girl!”
13
Jul 11
Waiting
When her babies were small, she had an urge to knit tiny striped mittens with pink and green and purple fuzzy yarns. Now her kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing handmade mittens. Friends were having babies who needed their precious hands protected from the harsh winter winds. She could make mittens for those babies. Continue reading →
11
Jul 11
It’s Good To Have Friends
On my third hike up the hill I was breathing hard, wiping the back of my neck and wondering why I wasn’t sitting on the front step with a cup of coffee. Continue reading →
