Whether it comes from years of looking inward, or years of not seeing clearly, I don’t know. Their eyes take on a cloudiness that makes it look like they have a difficult time focusing on the rest of the world. Continue reading →
Moving On
28
Dec 11
Idea Magnets
Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people. - Eleanor Roosevelt
28
Nov 11
Ignore the Two Steps Back
One step forward, two steps back.
One step forward, two steps back.
One step for……
I know, already!
Yet I can be found grumbling, kicking rocks and beating myself up with each one of those steps taken back.
My cheerleader voice says:
“Focus on the progress.”
“See how far you’ve come.”
“Hello, Girl! You are way better off now than you were five years ago!”
“It’s okay to slip up once in awhile.”
And because I was never a cheerleader in real life – is high school real life? – I gravitate to the curmudgeon side of me that says:
“Why do you let him get to you?”
“Wow, Jesse, way to emulate grace and poise,” in a most facetious tone.
“Hello? Have you forgotten what the pattern is here?”
And then the wise old soul in me – the one who lightens up, the one who doesn’t take all this shit too seriously, the one gently encouraged by the Universe, the one whose cup is empty says:
“Jesse, it’s okay.”
“That’s what it’s like to be human.”
“Slip-ups happen on the way to progress.”
“You are showing your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, own it, and move on.”
“Remember that thing about the bitter and the sweet?”
“Just keep moving, honey, and don’t put so damn much emphasis on those two steps back.”
24
Nov 11
Appreciation for Blessings
Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.
Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.
I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.
- A safe, cozy home – free of judgment and negative energy.
- Family and friends who infuse our lives with love, humor, skill saws, plumbing knowledge and free labor.
- A cat who knows when we need extra attention, and doesn’t get too mad at us when we take occasional road trips.
- The opportunity to let kids be kids in all their exuberance, sweet messiness, and enthusiastically curious selves.
- The ability to let the kids pick the menu for today’s feast. (Pot roast, buttery noodles, lasagna, macaroni and cheese and Cheetos – cuz it’s about the getting together and not about forcing kids to eat stuffing made with chunks of gizzard. Sorry, mom. But I will miss your stuffing.)
- The chance to start a new day with grace and integrity even though I blew all my grace and integrity out of the water with Mark a couple days ago.
- The deep understanding that I am perfect in my whole unique self. I may have a long way to go, but it’s okay if I mess up, and the important thing is that I keep trying.
- The insightful, often funny, warm and encouraging comments from all the caring individuals who read this blog.
- Two amazing kids – one tucked under each arm – who chose to make this journey with me.
- That look in the eye of someone who knows you, understands you, and loves you anyway.
- Second chances.
- The quiet moment to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and laugh, after the mountain of holiday dishes are done.
- Leftover lasagna instead of leftover turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!
17
Nov 11
A Life Remodel
One day, I’m going to get an internship at the Behr Paint Factory. I’ll show up for work in jeans and sit in one of those spinning desk chairs that tip back. I’ll prop my feet on the desk and throw Nerf basketballs in the net above the coffee machine. I’ll spend the whole day brainstorming with my jean-clad co-workers about paint names. Continue reading →
25
Oct 11
Self Care In Stolen Moments
In an unexpected turn of events, both kids ended up at grandma’s.
She could do laundry, rake leaves, return phone calls or unload the dishwasher.
She could clean the cat box, change the water in the fish bowls, pick up the remnants of thread from last night’s craft fest, or run errands.
Without giving it any more thought, she jumped in the car and headed for the wine shop. She re-filled a bottle with basil-infused olive oil and selected an every-day bottle of red wine.
When she got home, she kicked off her shoes and ignored the mess.
She cued Nora Jones on Pandora and stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the crimson leaves waiting for a strong gust of wind.
She spied a ripe tomato on the windowsill and went to work.
She put a cast iron pan on medium heat; thinly sliced the tomato; thickly sliced the Monterey Jack, grabbed two slices of bread and butter. She gathered deli ham, balsamic vinegar, Italian Seasoning and a jelly jar.
She layered ham on one slice of bread, added cheese and tomato, and covered with the other slice of bread. She spread one outer side of the sandwich with butter and placed it in the warmed pan. She buttered the remaining side.
She kept the heat at medium so the cheese would slowly melt, sealing the tomatoes to the ham while the bread slightly toasted.
She poured an inch of cabernet in the jelly jar.
She turned up the volume on Pandora.
She glanced again through the kitchen window, took a deep breath and didn’t let herself think about laundry, raking, dishes or bills.
She flipped the sandwich and took a sip of wine.
She cleared a place on the kitchen table, moving things aside, not putting them away.
Once the sandwich was toasted and the cheese was melty, she moved it to a plate and separated the sandwich to reveal the warmed tomato slices. She drizzled balsamic and the basil-infused olive oil over the tomatoes, soaking the toasted bread. She dusted the tomatoes with Italian Seasoning.
After another sip of wine, she took her first bite.
__________
It’s not often that she has a moment to herself. She seldom takes the time to fix herself something yummy to eat.
As she savored the sweetness of the tomatoes, the richness of the cheese and the earthiness of the balsamic, she tried to direct her thoughts.
In her mind, she tied a wide, crimson-colored satin bow around the things she ought to do next.
She pushed them all aside.
Instead, she imagined opening a gift.
The gift was a present to herself. As she unwrapped the package, images began flying out of the box. The images represented all the things she was grateful for: her happy, healthy smiling kids; their cozy little home; good friends and family and her own health.
She took another bite as she visualized more images flying out of the package.
There were the projects she’d completed; the trips they’d taken; the book she’d finished; and the new goals lined out.
In this rare quiet moment, she had the space and time to take stock of, and enjoy her accomplishments. Instead of fretting about what needed to be done, she thought of the tasks and projects she’d managed to complete.
She allowed herself to be proud of those completed projects.
She had set her own goals and standards, and proved that she could meet them.
She could feel the momentum that comes from making changes and completing projects.
There was more to be done.
There would be more to be thankful for.
And then she heard their footsteps on the front porch.
The door burst open, letting in two kids and a flurry of leaves.
“What’s that smell? Mmmm…. Will you make me one?”
__________
Grilled Ham, Cheese and Tomato
- Italian Bread
- Deli Honey Ham – thinly sliced
- Monterey Jack Cheese – thick slices
- Tomato – from the garden, if you are lucky
- Balsamic Vinegar
- Basil-infused Olive Oil – Extra Virgin Olive Oil will do nicely
- Italian Seasoning – or Oregano
- Butter
Layer ham, cheese and tomatoes between slices of bread. Butter the top and place buttered side down in a cast iron skillet that has warmed on medium heat. Toast slowly to melt the cheese and warm the tomatoes. Butter top before flipping.
Once the sandwich is toasted, remove from heat and separate. Lightly drizzle the olive oil and balsamic over the tomatoes, letting some soak into the bread. Sprinkle with seasoning.
Take bites of sandwich and sips of wine while picturing all the things you are grateful for.
14
Oct 11
A Different Version of Normal
At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes. Continue reading →
10
Oct 11
Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?
As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.
“Hey, you!” Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.
She said, “Hey, yourself! I never walk this time of the day.”
I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”
She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”
*Gulp!*
(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.” I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”
__________
She is an acquaintance and a published author.
While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.
I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.
Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format! The quotes and pictures round out the whole message. How is it selling?”
*Gulp.*
Then she said, “Your message will find the right people. You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last. You showed how that balance is necessary. There’s a lot written about that right now. It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”
We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.
__________
As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”
Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening - I said, “Huh? Who?”
She said, “The narcissist. Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”
My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”
What other sane reason could there be?
This time I didn’t offer that explanation. I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”
She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”
28
Sep 11
Sound Advice
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
- If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
- If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
- Your gut always tells the truth.
- If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
- If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
- Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
- Respect has nothing to do with age.
- It doesn’t need to be this hard.
- If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
- If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
- It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
- It’s okay to not like everyone.
- If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
- Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
- Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
- They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
- Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
- Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
- There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
- There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early. (See above on sleep and makeup.)
- Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
- We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
15
Sep 11
I Am Not A Goddess
“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time. Continue reading →
