Parenting


14
Feb 17

You Get Me

“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this thing with your dad, but I’m still glad I married him.”

Jenny looked out the car window and said, “It’d be cool if they made some sort of selective amnesia drug.  You know, cuz then you could pick and choose what you wanna remember and then forget the dad parts.”

“But a lot of the dad parts have you and your brother in them, and I don’t wanna forget those.”

“Yeah, I know.”  Jen turned to look at me,  “Well, you know I don’t mean it like, ‘Yeah, we’re awesome, you wouldn’t wanna forget us.'”

I laughed and said, “I know what you meant, honey.  You didn’t mean it like a narcissist.” Continue reading →


21
Jan 17

Why I Didn’t March

Have you ever stood outside a narcissist’s man cave yelling at him that it’s time he helped with the laundry and took a turn at entertaining the kids, only to be told that that is woman’s work?

Have you stood in front of a narcissist, hands on your hips, telling him that you will no longer be ignored and that it’s time that your dreams were made a priority, too, only to hear him say, “But if you focus on my dreams, we’ll both be happy.”

Have you written the letter that says, “I’m done!  I will not live like this anymore!  For my sake, and for the good of this family, things have to change around this place,” and he responds with, “Geez, settle down.  Did you forget to eat breakfast again?”

 

Has screaming, yelling and demanding attention ever worked with a narcissist? Continue reading →


15
Jan 17

Oh! The Feelings!

oh the feelings“So you know, since your classes are at night, we won’t be having dinner together.”

“Yeah.  I guess that’s right.”

He’s organizing his papers and looking at his new schedule.  Many pieces have fallen into place to bring him to this point.  It has been hectic around here.  He’s starting this school sooner than we had expected, and we haven’t considered all the ramifications.  I know it hasn’t occurred to him that we won’t be having dinner together.  He’s the one who wanted to take his classes at night.  He’s a night owl.  This is perfect.

It’s dumb that I bring up the dinner thing, but it had just dawned on me.  Dinner has always been a big deal to me.  As much as I may not want to cook some nights, I love that time of the day when everything that can be done is done, and we can eat dinner and “hit relax mode.”

He zips up his backpack and says, “How are we going to do dinners?” Continue reading →


3
Jan 17

The Pep Talk

pep-talkI winced when I heard the door slam on 2016, and I’m the one who slammed it so hard.

Three days into this new year and I’m still wincing.  I’m apprehensive, unsteady, exhausted and excited – all at the same time.   The holidays took over kicking my butt, where 2016 left off.  I spent so much time talking about being glad 2016 was over, that I’m nervous about that energy following me into 2017.  You know what they say, “Whatever you talk about, you attract.”

I read a “motivational” post the other day that pointed out that all that complaining about 2016 is misdirected.  The writer went on to say that we ought to be reevaluating the choices made in 2016 that led to the messes, and make damn sure to point ourselves in a new direction.

That hurt a bit when I read that.  So all that was my fault?  Really?  Don’t tell me to pull up my big girl pants.  I hate that expression.  As a single mom, I’ve been the one wearing the pants since day one.

But it’s true.  It is my fault.  I made the choices.  I created that gigantic mess. Continue reading →


24
Sep 16

Signs of Thriving

signs-of-thrivingSix years ago, when on a road trip, we had stopped for treats and Will took a good 15 minutes to decide between types of beef jerky.   (How different can they be?)  Jen and I would have used the restroom, gotten our drinks and goodies, and stood by the car watching the sun setting while he was still trying to make a choice.

I remember thinking I’ve got to help that kid learn how to choose without worrying about making a mistake.  He’d grown accustomed to having his choices doubted and questioned.  He’d pick a blue t-shirt and his dad would say, “Why did you pick that color.  You should pick green.”  He would order a coke, and his dad would say, “No! You are having lemonade.”

Will had a history of making “bad” choices, as far as his dad was concerned, so any time he was faced with making a decision, he was paralyzed.  Even if his dad wasn’t there.

Now, when Will drives up to a convenience store, he’s in and out faster than I am.  And when it comes to making the big choices, like his first rifle or a pair of skis, he does his homework.  He looks at reviews online. He asks for the opinions of others.  He’ll search out a clerk at the store and pummel him with questions.  When he feels confident with his choice – and he does – he proceeds.

It’s a beautiful thing to see. Continue reading →


24
Aug 16

The Good News

the good newsIf you have children with a narcissist, you’ve probably read up on how to co-parent with one.

I won’t go into what that looks like, other than to say that an adult with the maturity of a six year old doesn’t have any interest in parenting.

 

Jen recently turned 14.  Somewhere during the day she was heard saying, “Four more years.  Four more years until I don’t have to spend my birthdays with him.”

Will turns 18 in less than a month.  You can probably imagine who will NOT be invited to Will’s party this year. Continue reading →


21
May 16

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

cat and air plantToday is the day we’ve planned to drive around in hopes a new kitten will fall in love with our family.  Last night, as we said our good nights and brushed teeth, we had a hard time containing our excitement.

This morning, Will has barely made it to the top of the stairs before asking, “What time are we heading out to find a new kitten?”

I assure him that we’ll go as soon as we’ve had a chance to ease in and have coffee.

A half hour later, I’m doing a coconut pull.  Invariably, someone needs to ask me a question, or I need to tell the kids something the minute I’ve pulled the spoon from my lips.  This morning is no different.  Before I hit the shower, I want to tell them what time to plan on heading out to hunt for a new feline sister.

Sometimes the communicating during a coconut pull works.  Whether it works or not, it’s always funny – a lot like playing charades. Continue reading →


26
Apr 16

Tangling With A Snake

old keys to who knows what“Why do you back down?  If you know you are right, why don’t you prove your point?”

I reached for a cup of Earl Grey.  “I don’t like confrontation.”

“It’s not necessarily confrontation, though.  Sometimes it’s just discourse.  Two people disagree, they talk it out, and they come to an understanding.  It’s not a big deal.”

I looked at Jen and she was shaking her head.  “What do you think, Jen?”  She shrugged her shoulders and refused to comment.

  Continue reading →


18
Apr 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

hyacinthPerhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist.  Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation.  When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A.  You rock boats just to see how people react.  But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

 

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried.  She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair.  And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course.  Who says no in the beginning of a relationship?  Why risk losing something so sweet?  There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →


12
Mar 16

Homeschool at the Movies

Nina“Let’s watch The Martian.”

“Isn’t that like three hours long?  I won’t be able to stay awake.”

“Mom.  It’s o-kay.”  He says that in a way that indicates he’s impatient with me, and trying to keep his eyes from rolling.  It’s annoying – probably something he picked up from me.

“And The Incredible Hulk, too?”

“Jen?  Really?” Continue reading →


10
Feb 16

A Day in the Life of an HSP Mom

momMy fingers are in my ears and I’m yelling, “La la la la la la la.  Geez!  You haven’t figured out, by now, that it’s not the best idea to tell me of your narrow misses on the ski hill?”

“I know, but it was SO cool.”

“Bud, anyone would tell you that that is just not something to tell a mom – especially an HSP mom.  Tell me the gist, but please spare me the gory details.”

“Right. Right. Right.  I’m sorry.  I know.”

As much as I want to hear how he does on the slopes, if he gives me too many details, I know I won’t be able to let him go. Continue reading →


6
Feb 16

Defining Terms

defining terms“Today is ballroom skiing.”

“Huh?”

“Every time you come back from skiing, you share tales of near misses, close calls with concussions, clothes-line incidents and big-air jumps.  Today you are skiing on new/used skis after having broken a ski.  You know what ballroom skiing is.  I want to see ballroom skiing.”

(I define ballroom skiing as big, wide, gentle turns and little to no air.)

I am nervous about Will skiing on some used skis that he found on eBay.  They need a lot of tuning, a little waxing and some trial and error. Continue reading →


22
Jan 16

Recording Memories

memories“Outside.  Outside!  OUTSIDE!  Geez, the door is open.  You can go outside!”

I was talking to the dogs, or maybe the kids.  I can’t remember.

There was the usual chaos that comes with bouncy dogs, kids infested with cabin fever, and a cranky mom who’d forgotten to eat.  I checked their school lists and saw that some progress had been made, but more wouldn’t be made unless they both blew off some stink.

Before I could utter the suggestion, Jen looked at my face and calmly said, “Mom?  If we promise to get back on our lists, can we head to the pond?”

Please.  Yes.  Please go to the pond.  Can you take the dogs with you?” Continue reading →


8
Jan 16

View From the High Road

high road“What’s the point of always taking the high road if nothing ever changes?  It gets old.  Why don’t we try the low road for a change?”

“I hear your frustration, bud.  It sucks.  I know it does.  It does get old.”

“Well, he never takes the high road.”

“Maybe you’re confused about what it means to take the high road.”

Will reached for his coffee and said, “If it doesn’t improve the situation, I don’t see the point.” Continue reading →


18
Dec 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 12

jade bowlAt this point, she’s an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom, an ineffectual facilitator for the kids and their father, a disappointing wife, and basically, a single parent.

While some women have a lengthy list of chores to greet them at the beginning of each new day, she had two lists – one of her chores, and one of her failures.  It’s hard to enthusiastically fold towels or chop vegies for stir-fry, all the while knowing she’d be criticized for both.  Certainly, the kids were a bigger priority than perfectly folded towels, but he didn’t see things that way.

She could handle his indifference toward her.  She was used to it.  By now, she was aware that she’d never perform well enough to meet his standards.  But it broke her heart to think he held their precious kids up to the same standards.

She noticed his growing disdain for the oldest child, and the way he patronized the youngest.  Was it all in her head?  Most days he treated his kids as if they were mere inconveniences.

  Continue reading →