Postcards From a Thriver « Surviving Narcissism

Postcards From a Thriver

My Little Altar or How to Find Comfort in a New Home

We are mostly unpacked. We’ve unpacked enough so that I’ve created a little altar in the walk-in closet. I know! I have a walk-in closet! I’ve never before had such a decadent thing. In lieu of running out and shopping for clothes to fill all the empty hangers, I inadvertently decided to turn part of the closet into an altar.

(When I first saw the walk-in closet, I gasped and told him that I didn’t have enough clothes to fill it. He said, “That’s okay. This might just become your hiding place when you need to get a break from the rest of us.” I shook my head and innocently said, “Whatever do you mean?”)

An altar wasn’t my plan. I didn’t do a Google search for altars. I’m not sending up offerings to the Gods and Goddesses hoping for good vibes to rain down on our new chapter, although I wouldn’t mind if they sent a little good juju our way. It just happened, as all good things often do.

I was unpacking and finding homes for things. This new chapter seems to require different arrangements of pictures and rocks and shells and feathers and momentos that have been gathered in this new chapter. But I am not ready to part with all the sweet keepsakes from the closed chapters.

I’ve also been looking for what may turn out to be my comfort zone in this new home. I’m getting close. The house is starting to smell more like us – Thieves essential oil, dark roast coffee, laundry soap, Italian Seasoning and a bit of garlic. Some of our artwork is up on the walls. The kitchen shows a lot of our favorite tools. There is plenty of room to spread out our craft projects and make messes. And yet, I’m still looking for that spot where I can take a deep breath, sit for a minute and try to remember what’s important versus what it is I’m currently stewing about. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
5
Nov 15

A Bird’s Eye View

Keep your crystal ball, I want a bird’s eye view of the path I’ve chosen. Make no mistake, I don’t want to know the outcome. I’m not rushing off to a fortune teller in hopes of getting validation that I’m on the right track. I’ve consulted the runes enough times to get confused over their seemingly mixed signals. They offer some encouragement, but I want more than that.

I want to sore above the trees and get the kind of perspective that only a bird can get. I want a view of the horizon. I want to see right up to the edge without any spoilers. I don’t want to know how it ends. I don’t want to know if there will be a “happily ever after.”

I want to know if I chose the correct path. I want to see if the guideposts are meant for me. I want reassurance that the struggle is due, without knowing the payoff.

Please don’t tell me to have faith.

I’ve had faith before. I’ve continued blindly on what I thought was the right path. The signs along the way were screaming at me to turn around. But I had faith, and I kept going down that path. I had faith, but I didn’t believe. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 10 Comments
14
Oct 15

A New Zip Code

“Hey Jesse, I heard you have a new zip code. Whatcha doin’ in here?”

“How are ya, Hank? Yes, we do have a new zip code. It’s only about 90 minutes away. I’m in town to get the house ready to rent out.”

“Wow. Big changes afoot for all of you. How are you doing with it all? And your kids? I saw them the other day at that frozen yogurt place. They appear to be happy and thriving and growing. What can I get you?”

“Do you still have Bayern Amber on tap?”

“Comin’ right up!” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 3 Comments
22
May 15

On Being Seen

I’ll bet you aren’t being seen. I’ll go so far as to say that you probably don’t even know that you aren’t being seen.

You probably haven’t been seen your whole life, so you think that’s normal.

Maybe you haven’t been seen because you are an INFJ. INFJs don’t want to be the center of attention. They’re fine coming off a bit mysterious. They don’t necessarily want to be seen by many, but some of us do crave being seen by a chosen few.

You see others, though. You see their preferences – their likes and dislikes. You may see an image on Pinterest and know exactly whose house it fits. When you scan a menu, you know, before your partner knows, what he’s going to order. When you give a gift, you almost always hear, “It’s perfect! You know me so well!” Walking through a bookstore, browsing titles, you know which subjects your roommate gravitates to. You remember how folks take their coffee. You know who prefers a movie at home over a crowded theater. You know who likes cab instead of chardonnay. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Jan 15

The Only Survival Skill an HSP Will Ever Need

Those dear souls flock to your door. They can’t help it. You draw them in with your counselor/helper/listener magnet. (Think moth to flame.) You’ve probably tried leaving the magnet on the dresser, or stashing it on the top shelf of the closet, thinking that if you hide the magnet, you won’t ooze that helper vibe. That helper vibe clings to you the way hurting souls cling to an HSP.

That’s our lot. We listen. We counsel. We comfort. We care. That’s who we are, even if/when we pretend we aren’t.

And so you open your door, pour the wine, stoke the fire and fluff the pillows. Their shoulders relax, the furrows in their brow release and the flood gates open. And you sip wine and listen. You refill their glass and listen some more. You offer them sustenance or a hug and most certainly a tissue. You do this automatically. You’ve done it all your life. You don’t have to remember how to be compassionate. You don’t have to refer to your cheat sheet on how to be kind and caring. This treatment defines your character and drives your actions. It flows from you the way their story flows through those flood gates.

When they leave – after they’ve purged and cleansed and lightened their load – you are left holding their big mess in your hands. But more times than not, you’re still holding another person’s mess in your hands. So you end up standing at the door, saying goodbye, juggling 2 or 10 or 100 different messes from souls who came to your door for comfort.

As you close the door, you wonder how you will clean up the wine glasses, re-stock the firewood, and go about your day while still holding the messes from all those hurting souls. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 2 Comments
12
Jan 15

How To Start Your Homeschool Morning Peacefully

“How’d you sleep?” I set my coffee down to get up and start her chocolate milk.

“Good. How ’bout you?” She curls up in her corner of the couch and Nina saunters over to take her share of the blanket.

I start heating the milk and then walk into the living room. “Any dreams?”

“No. You?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell ya when Will’s up.” At this point, I walk back into the kitchen. She’s an introvert like I am. I know she needs quiet and time to ease in in the morning. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 18 Comments
18
Dec 14

This Wasn’t The Plan

This wasn’t the plan – to be a single mom in my 50s, raising kids by myself.

I had planned to be happily married at this point. I thought we’d all ski together and travel together and watch movies together. I thought he and I would marvel at how brilliant our kids are – together.

I thought we’d laugh at being older-than-the average parents of young kids – together.

I thought we’d reconnect after the kids were gone and spend our retirement years skiing, traveling and watching movies – just the two of us.

Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 4 Comments
20
Nov 14

They Aren’t Me

They can say what they want, but they aren’t me.

They can say, “Maybe you spend too much time with your kids.” They might say, “Maybe you need breaks from being a mom.” They have said, “You need to get out more.”

I smile and say, “Maybe.” I laugh and say, “Probably.” And what I’m thinking is, “It’s not my kids I need breaks from. I don’t need a break from being their mom, I need a break from being what others expect.” What I want to say is, “No! I need to stay in more!”

I smile, because I know where our center is. I know where the calm is. I know how to get the harmony back.

Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 11 Comments
17
Nov 14

Cold Beauty

It was cold that morning at 6:30. I turned on the kitchen light to make coffee and the thermometer told me it was -7. The fire had gone out. By the time Will shuffled out into the living room, the sun was turning the snow into shaved sparkles. He thought we ought to go out and take pictures. I told him I’d go out when it warmed to 5 above.

A bowl of oatmeal and five layers of clothes later, we grabbed our cameras and opened the front door to a blast of frozen air. There’s an indescribable quiet that comes with snow fall. Maybe that’s what makes winter bearable for this INFJ. The only sounds were coming from our boots as they made new crunching tracks in the fluff, and the honks of the Canadian Geese as they flew low over the Missouri.

Jen had received a new computer from the frozen UPS lady the night before. Even though she’d normally be the first out in the freeze to take pictures, she opted to stay behind and get acquainted with Speedy – the name she’d given her new Toshiba.

Will and I immediately set out on different paths. We’d each snap a couple photos, exclaim to the other about the view, and then cross each other’s path to take a photo of what the other had witnessed. Later, when we viewed our shots, I was surprised to see how similar our perspectives were. I’m sure it won’t be that way for long.

I’ve noticed that as each year passes, it takes me a few more days to get acclimated to the arrival of the cold. The first week or so finds me standing next to the wood stove, kvetching over too many cups of coffee. Then the day will come when I drag my butt outside, breathe the cold, take a few pictures and wonder how anyone could happily live without four seasons. And, yes, I’ve been known to bitch at the slow arrival of spring, when I’m sure I’ll die if I have to shovel the walks one more time. At least the seasons give me something to complain about, besides narcissism. ;) Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 2 Comments
8
Oct 14

Eclipse Through the Sumacs

I hadn’t set the alarm. There’s no need for an alarm for the important stuff.

With a cranberry red throw draped around my shoulders, I unlocked the front door. Nina comes quick whenever she hears the locks on the door. She didn’t look up at me for permission before darting out. I walked to the corner of the yard and saw the beginnings of the eclipse.

Should I wake them?

I tip-toed into Will’s room and whispered, “Will, the eclipse has started.” Continue reading →

Kids are People / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Sep 14

“Put the Pedal to the Plastic!”

“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”

“Huh?”

“Put the pedal to the plastic. Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic. Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel. Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.

“Thanks for clarifying. I think.”

And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom! Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 Comments
24
Aug 14

On the Meaning of Life and Other Vague Notions

“What’s the point?”

“The point of what?”

“You know… the point…. the meaning of life. Why are we here?”

Margaret laughed as she tied on a crisp new apron. “Well, it’s a bit of a moot point now, isn’t it? Besides, I’m not sure we’re supposed to know the point, Gladys, dear. I was always too busy wiping noses, folding laundry, preparing meals and helping with homework to have even a moment to myself, let alone any spare time to think about the meaning of life. What do you think, Basil?”

“I don’t know either, Margaret.” Basil reached for his ever-present thermos of coffee. “For a long time I thought it was finding a decent job and then I figured it must be supporting my family, raising decent kids and being a good husband. Now, I don’t know.” Basil put down his cup of coffee, “Hey, Jon. What do you think?” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver — 9 Comments
12
Aug 14

Take a Left at the Coke Can

I’m in need of a bright spot. I’m struggling with getting back in the groove after spending a couple relaxing days in the woods.

The forwarded email about what animals look like when they see you naked had the three of us giggling. The dish of strawberries and whipped cream perked up Will. Jenny’s busy making a Sherlock Holmes doll, so she’s in a craft-induced focus.

The forecasted 98 degree temps are wilting the energy.

I could surf and find bright spots or I could create my own.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — 18 Comments
8
Aug 14

Random Thoughts at the Five Year Mark

wow.

This blog is five years old.

wow.

Things have changed a lot in five years. We not only survive, but we thrive on a mostly daily basis. The health of my kids (and myself!) is testament to the power of connection, the awesomeness of being heard, the cathartic healing found in knowledge and the magic of friendship. Continue reading →