Random Observations


26
Feb 15

On Lost Souls

cherry pie“Gladys, dear, I’m serving up some cherry pie. It’s still warm. Will you have a slice?”

“Margaret, it’s too early for pie. It isn’t even noon yet.”

Jon road up on his skateboard, “Since when do we have to worry about the time on this side? I’d love a slice of your pie, Margaret.” He leaned his board against a grave marker, “Actually, I think I’ll have pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That is if yer making it, Margaret.”

Margaret handed a slice of pie to Jon and giggled, “That’s the nice thing about this side. We’ll never run out of pie.” She scraped the server against the pie plate. “Gladys, if you don’t mind, dear, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question.”

Gladys sat down next to Margaret. “Go ahead. Ask away. Although I don’t know what I could possibly know that you don’t know.” Continue reading →


19
Feb 15

The INFJ and Lost Souls

the bartender“Hey, Hank.  How are things?”

“Can’t complain, the bar is busy, the weather’s fine.  It’s all good.  What about you?  What’ll ya have?”

“The dark stuff.  Thanks.”

Hank filled a pint, stopping just before the foam spilled.  He placed the beer in front of Joe.  “Last time you were in here, it was Jack on the rocks.  Did you figure things out with the woman?”

Joe laughed.  “I’m still working on that.  In the meantime, I gotta ask you – seeing’s how you’re the expert – about my sister.” Continue reading →


31
Jan 15

You’ve Been Gaslighted

You've Been GaslightedYou’ve been gaslighted if you feel backed into a corner and told you are “too sensitive” for your own good.

 

If you second-guess your thoughts, re-read your sent email file and wonder if you ought to try to be kinder …

If the mere thought of seeing that person gives you an upset stomach …

If you normally sleep well, but lately you wake in the middle of the night to re-visit conversations, wondering how you could have been so misinterpreted … Continue reading →


26
Jan 15

On Eye Contact with a Narcissist

eye contact“I was watching your eye contact as you visited.  That was weird.  Your eyes were tearing up when he was talking to you, but it was a friendly conversation.  What was that about?”

Jen wiped her eyes.  “I can’t look at him without my eyes watering.  It’s uncomfortable – not like I’m gonna cry, but more like my eyes hurt.  So I pretend like I’ve got an eyelash in my eye and I keep rubbing them.  It’s just really uncomfortable to keep my eyes on him for very long when he’s talking – or any time.”

I turned to Will, “What do you think?”

Will shook his head, “I feel the same way.  It’s hard to look at him for long.  Oh, and I feel myself getting anxious when I try to tell him something.  Like I’m afraid he’ll criticize what I say, so I say it fast so I can get it over with, and then I sound like I’m slurring my words.”

I said, “Yeah, and then you open yourself up for more criticism.” Continue reading →


23
Jan 15

The Only Survival Skill an HSP Will Ever Need

the only survival skill an HSP will ever needThose dear souls flock to your door.  They can’t help it.  You draw them in with your counselor/helper/listener magnet.  (Think moth to flame.)  You’ve probably tried leaving the magnet on the dresser, or stashing it on the top shelf of the closet, thinking that if you hide the magnet, you won’t ooze that helper vibe.  That helper vibe clings to you the way hurting souls cling to an HSP.

That’s our lot.  We listen.  We counsel.  We comfort.  We care.  That’s who we are, even if/when we pretend we aren’t.

And so you open your door, pour the wine, stoke the fire and fluff the pillows.  Their shoulders relax, the furrows in their brow release and the flood gates open.  And you sip wine and listen.  You refill their glass and listen some more.  You offer them sustenance or a hug and most certainly a tissue.  You do this automatically.  You’ve done it all your life.  You don’t have to remember how to be compassionate.  You don’t have to refer to your cheat sheet on how to be kind and caring.  This treatment defines your character and drives your actions.  It flows from you the way their story flows through those flood gates.

When they leave – after they’ve purged and cleansed and lightened their load – you are left holding their big mess in your hands.  But more times than not, you’re still holding another person’s mess in your hands.  So you end up standing at the door, saying goodbye, juggling 2 or 10 or 100 different messes from souls who came to your door for comfort.

As you close the door, you wonder how you will clean up the wine glasses, re-stock the firewood, and go about your day while still holding the messes from all those hurting souls. Continue reading →


7
Jan 15

On Looking Back

antique espressoThe pie server made a scraping sound in the hard-packed dirt as she finished carving the words – Stop Looking Back!

“Margaret!  What on earth are you doing?  You’ll ruin your pie server.”  Gladys stood with her hands on her hips as she read the words.  “Stop looking back?  What’s that about?”

“Don’t interrupt me, dear.  I’ve got work to do.”

“But you’ll scare the bejeesus out of them.  What will they think when they see these cryptic words next to tombstones?”

“Well, they ought to have the bejeesus scared out of them.  They’re all wasting too much time looking back.”  Margaret stood up from a crouch and walked a ways to a new spot.  She bent to scrape again.  “See that one over there?”  She pointed to a woman in a business suit.  “She’s looking back over her career and wondering where she should have taken a different turn.”  Margaret nods her head in a different direction, “That man is looking back at how he lost his family because of his focus on his business.  And the gal in the dark glasses keeps looking back at what she used to look like, making comparisons to her current self.  What a waste of time!” Continue reading →


9
Dec 14

House with a View

house with a view“I want a house with a view.”

“Yeah, a view is a great thing.”  The bartender dried a rocks glass and placed it on the shelf.  “Tell me, how does a house with a view improve your life?”

“I dunno about other folks, but I’ve got a friend who has a nice place on a hill, and every time I go there, I’m energized.”

“What energizes you?  The view?  The height above everyone else?  The size of the place or his giant TV?”

He picks up the beer bottle in front of him and sets it back down before taking a drink, “I’m not sure.  It’s not a fancy place.  Sure the view is amazing, but it’s something else.  I can’t put my finger on it.” Continue reading →


17
Nov 14

Cold Beauty

snowy villageIt was cold that morning at 6:30.  I turned on the kitchen light to make coffee and the thermometer told me it was -7.  The fire had gone out.  By the time Will shuffled out into the living room, the sun was turning the snow into shaved sparkles.  He thought we ought to go out and take pictures.  I told him I’d go out when it warmed to 5 above.

A bowl of oatmeal and five layers of clothes later, we grabbed our cameras and opened the front door to a blast of frozen air.  There’s an indescribable quiet that comes with snow fall.  Maybe that’s what makes winter bearable for this INFJ.  The only sounds were coming from our boots as they made new crunching tracks in the fluff, and the honks of the Canadian Geese as they flew low over the Missouri.

different pathsJen had received a new computer from the frozen UPS lady the night before.  Even though she’d normally be the first out in the freeze to take pictures, she opted to stay behind and get acquainted with Speedy – the name she’d given her new Toshiba.

Will and I immediately set out on different paths.  We’d each snap a couple photos, exclaim to the other about the view, and then cross each other’s path to take a photo of what the other had witnessed.  Later, when we viewed our shots, I was surprised to see how similar our perspectives were.  I’m sure it won’t be that way for long.

snowy eleganceI’ve noticed that as each year passes, it takes me a few more days to get acclimated to the arrival of the cold.  The first week or so finds me standing next to the wood stove, kvetching over too many cups of coffee.  Then the day will come when I drag my butt outside, breathe the cold, take a few pictures and wonder how anyone could happily live without four seasons.  And, yes, I’ve been known to bitch at the slow arrival of spring, when I’m sure I’ll die if I have to shovel the walks one more time.  At least the seasons give me something to complain about, besides narcissism. ;) Continue reading →


4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

moss and red candleHe entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room.  She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control.  When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top.  It’s just a glass of wine.  Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters.  One brought up the weather.  Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school.  It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations.  He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school.  He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children.  (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them.  “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.”  If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →


8
Oct 14

Eclipse Through the Sumacs

eclipse through the sumacsI hadn’t set the alarm.  There’s no need for an alarm for the important stuff.

With a cranberry red throw draped around my shoulders, I unlocked the front door.  Nina comes quick whenever she hears the locks on the door.  She didn’t look up at me for permission before darting out.   I walked to the corner of the yard and saw the beginnings of the eclipse.

Should I wake them?

 

I tip-toed into Will’s room and whispered, “Will, the eclipse has started.” Continue reading →


7
Oct 14

Do As I Say

a cat and a blanketDo as I say, not as I do.

 

I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone.  If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship.  If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.

They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.

  Continue reading →


30
Sep 14

“Put the Pedal to the Plastic!”

Marina Motel“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”

“Huh?”

“Put the pedal to the plastic.  Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic.  Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel.  Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.

“Thanks for clarifying.  I think.”

And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom!  Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →


25
Sep 14

Self-Awareness Isn’t About You

jelly something-er-other“Hey, what are you doing on this side of the bar?”

“I just finished my shift.”  The bartender closed his composition notebook and reached for his glass.  “How are you?”

She sits on the next stool, “I’m well.  I’ve got about an hour before picking up the kids.”  She smiled across the bar to the next shift’s bartender, “I’ll have a coke, please.”  After finding her wallet she said, “So, Hank, what are you writing?”

Hank hesitated, “I’m working on a paper about self-awareness.” He slid the notebook to the side.  “There’s a fine line between self-awareness and self-absorption.  I want to illustrate that self-awareness – contrary to what most folks think – isn’t really about you.  Maybe I should say that it shouldn’t be about you.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going.” Continue reading →


17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

sun setting on the PacificI didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ.  And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →


24
Aug 14

On the Meaning of Life and Other Vague Notions

creek fishin'“What’s the point?”

“The point of what?”

“You know…  the point…. the meaning of life.  Why are we here?”

Margaret laughed as she tied on a crisp new apron.  “Well, it’s a bit of a moot point now, isn’t it?  Besides, I’m not sure we’re supposed to know the point, Gladys, dear.  I was always too busy wiping noses, folding laundry, preparing meals and helping with homework to have even a moment to myself, let alone any spare time to think about the meaning of life.  What do you think, Basil?”

“I don’t know either, Margaret.”  Basil reached for his ever-present thermos of coffee.  “For a long time I thought it was finding a decent job and then I figured it must be supporting my family, raising decent kids and being a good husband.  Now, I don’t know.”  Basil put down his cup of coffee, “Hey, Jon.  What do you think?” Continue reading →