“Why does everything have to be about him?”

“You know the answer, Bud.  It’s like the ground shifts under him when things stop being about him.  He needs everything to be about him to have some sense of control.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s frustrating.  Imagine what it’s like to live like that.”

“But then why isn’t he interested in my stuff?”

“Because he doesn’t know how to relate to you.  He’s waiting for you to be interested in something he can relate to, and then he’ll annex that, too.  Try asking him questions, and then maybe he’ll talk to you more.”

“When I do, he lectures me or tells me scary stuff.  What’s up with that?  Why does he always shock us with scary stories?”

“Maybe he does that to try and keep your attention.  I don’t know.  I’ve been wanting to search to see if there is a connection between narcissists and a fascination with the macabre.”

“What’s macabre?”

“Um…. it’s like a preoccupation with gruesome or scary stuff – you know, like awful stories in the news or freaky books and horror movies.”

“Or dad visits?”

“Yeah, that probably falls under macabre.”

“Maybe it’d be better if we let him decide what we do on visits.”

“Yeah.  Right.  Like when he takes us rafting on the river in a thunderstorm?  No thanks!”

“I gotta get in the shower.   Let’s wrap up this counseling session.  Are you guys good to get on your lists?”

“I s’pose.  Do we have to do visits with him next week?”

“You guys know the answer to that.”

I got up from the couch to walk down the hall and heard Jenny say, “Mom, you don’t deserve the dad you got.”

I turned to look at her and said, “You don’t deserve the dad you got either, honey.  I guess that puts us in the same tippy boat.  We’re in good company!  It’ll be a fine ride as long as we have chocolate milk, coffee and Twizzlers.”

I headed back down the hall and heard her yell, “I’ll help you paddle!”

The post In Good Company appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

I’m on my way to a dentist appointment.  I’m wearing a cotton skirt, sandals, a faded denim blouse and a smile.  I can’t remember the last time I wore nylons or had a manicure.  I’m thinking about how much more garden I have to turn up before we get to start planting. I make a mental note to stop at the hardware store after the dentist.  I’ll get washers to fix the hose, check out the bedding plants and grab a bag of briquettes.  It’s warm enough for burgers on the grill tonight.  The sun tea should be ready in time for dinner.

The elevator doors close and a woman in a tailored business suit turns, looks me up and down and says, “So what do you do?”

“Hi.

Um.

Well…

I guide two outstanding young people through the minefield of dealing with a narcissistic parent.   I homeschool, practice living on a budget, and work from home.  I wrote a couple motivational books for those in difficult relationships, and I’m working on a novel.  I blog about narcissism to shed light on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).    Through stories and pictures, I show how good life can be when brave steps are taken to leave an abusive relationship.  Creativity, humor and harmony are on my list of priorities, right after my kids, reading and sleep.  I drink too much coffee and try not to take myself too seriously.

Thanks for asking.

What do you do?”

The doors opened.  As she stepped one heel out of the elevator, she looked over her shoulder and said, “Are you hiring?”

The post My Elevator Pitch appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

She is standing at the stove when he walks in.  “Mom, when’s dinner gonna be ready?”

“Soon, honey.  The sauce is ready.  Salad’s in the fridge.  Garlic bread is in the oven.  There’s nothing more for me to do besides cook the pasta.  I’m just waiting for the water to come to a boil for the spaghetti.  We’ll eat when dad gets home.”

“K.  I’m just gonna get my soccer stuff for the game tonight.”

With his gym bag hanging from his shoulder, he passes her on his way out, “A watched pot never boils, mom.”

“I know.  Grab an apple to tide you over.”

She stirs the sauce with a wooden spoon, and adjusts the temp on the burner for the water.  She looks at the clock.  He’ll be home soon.

She stirs the sauce again, even though it doesn’t need it.

She takes a sip of wine.

She wonders how many times she has stood at this stove wondering when things will change.

Her counselor has told her that there is little to no chance that a narcissist will change.  The blogs she reads tell of stories of those who make the choice to leave after having tried everything.  Surely her situation is different.  Certainly he will see what they have and make their relationship a priority.  Divorce happens to other couples.  Divorce happens to women who don’t try as hard as she does.

She has tried.

She is still trying.

She is the only one trying.

She adds salt to the water.  Don’t they say that salt brings water to a boil quicker?

She stirs the sauce and takes another sip of wine.

She waits for the water to boil.

She waits for her husband to change.

She has invested so much in this marriage.  She can’t just quit.  What about the kids?  Shouldn’t she stay for the kids?  Won’t the kids be better off if they stay together?

She knows the answers but she’s afraid to admit it.  She knows that he won’t change.  He doesn’t see the need for change.  He believes he is fine the way he is.  When she speaks of their issues, he says the issues are hers.

She knows that the kids see this dysfunctional relationship for what it is.  She doesn’t want them to believe her marriage is any kind of an example of a healthy relationship.

She knows all these things and still she waits.

What is she waiting for?

She wishes he’d leave her for another woman; then she wouldn’t have to be the “Bad Guy” and make the choice to leave.  The decision would be made for her.

She has even wished for a car accident – that he’d be hit by a car and that would change him.   Maybe a car accident would teach him empathy, kindness, and compassion.  Of course she couldn’t admit that to anyone – not even the counselor.  What does that say about her?  Is she the one who is crazy for wishing her husband would be hit by a car?  How did things get so bad?

She grabs the wooden spoon meaning to stir the sauce, but she dips it into the not-yet boiling water instead.  She puts the spoon down.  Should she pour out the water and start with a fresh pot?  Should she boil the pasta in this mess?  Will this water ever come to a boil?

Does any of this even matter any more?  How much longer will she cook dinner for a man who doesn’t see her?  How much longer will she wait for the water to come to a boil?

She hears the screen door slam.  “Mom, why are you still standing at the stove?  Are you okay?”

“I’m still waiting for the water to boil.”

The post Still She Waits appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

In the old days, I’d have let out a scream.  I learned to stifle screams at a young age.  The best deterrent for a little girl is to have her dad make fun of her when she screams at a big hairy spider.  (Those screams inside my head were louder than the ones I dared to let out.)

More recently, I would have grabbed a shoe and attacked the critter.   If Jenny had been standing there, I would have gone into action and saved the day.

I pulled the shower curtain closed, leaving the spider to crawl up the damp stall.

I got to thinking about what scares me now.

I’m not afraid to travel alone with two kids.

I’m not afraid of heights, but I do hang on to Will and Jenny when they venture too close to the edge.

I’m not afraid of the dark or spiders or monsters under the bed.

I’m not afraid of strangers or big cities or camping in the woods.

I’m not afraid of wrinkles or gray hairs or mirrors.  (I am making progress on getting over my fear of swim suits.)

I’ve lived with narcissists.

Not much scares me any more.

The post Spiders Versus Narcissists appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

She will exclaim at the wonder of being surrounded by family members who think she is wonderful.  She will not guard against snide comments. She will wear her hair however she chooses.  She may not even pack socks.  She will smile until her cheeks hurt.

He will laugh louder and not worry about saying the wrong thing.  He may not have to accommodate for several days because he will be with people who love him even if he doesn’t spend each moment trying to please them.  He will pull pranks and howl at the moon.

You will relax knowing your kids will be respected, enjoyed and nurtured.  It’ll be okay if they are loud and a little messy.  You won’t have to coach them about what to say and what not to say.

There will be no need to pretend.

Sleep will come easy.  Laughing will be the order of the day.  Acceptance will define each moment.

__________

As the plane comes to a stop, he’ll get his first text.  ”Keep in touch. I love you guys. Love dad.”

And so it begins….

There will be texts and messages ranging from:

“Please call when you have time.”

“I sure do miss you guys.”

“Are you having fun without me?”

“Let’s make plans for when you return.”

“Hey, how about we head to the swimming pool when you get back.”

You will say to everyone within earshot, ”How come he doesn’t text or call this much when we are home?”

Your mom will say, “Honey, I just got an email from your ex.  He hasn’t emailed me in a couple years.  He sent a picture of himself with the kids.”

Is it a coincidence that the narcissist emails your folks while you are on holiday with them?

Does the narcissist suddenly find extra time on his hands to correspond with his kids and ex in-laws?

Should you be surprised that the narcissist would try to grandstand about his excellent parenting skills while you are staying with your folks – the people your kids most prefer to be with?

Your vacation has presented him with a prime annexing opportunity.

__________

Annexing and grandstanding occur each time we leave town.  We know to expect it, and yet it still catches me off guard when we receive that first text.

The second text arrives and I laugh to myself and remember the script – the gushy I love yous; the mushy I miss yous; and the I-can’t-wait-til-you-get-backs.

This doesn’t mean we should never leave town.

We’ll still laugh a lot, smile until our cheeks hurt and enjoy the long stretches of happy days that aren’t scarred by a pending dad visit.

Now that we know to expect the annexing and grandstanding, we have that much more to laugh about.

The good thing is that when we return, we won’t hear from him as much, because he won’t have an audience.

The post You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide From a Narcissist appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

Have you ever stood outside waiting for the 4th of July Fireworks to start while swatting mosquitoes and listening to the bats as they whiz by your head?  The first chrysanthemum explodes and your kid says, “Mom, how will I know when it’s the grand finale?”

“You’ll just know.”

I’ve stood there through twenty minutes of ooooos and ahhhhhs saying, “No, honey, that’s not it.  Nope, Will, that’s not it either.  Jenny, put your hood up so the mosquitoes can’t get to your ears.  Nope, not yet, Will.”

“Mom, will I know it when it comes?”

“Yes, honey, there’s no doubt when it’s the grand finale.  It’s not like the others.”

When to Leave

What is the last straw?  Does he walk away from you every time you start to tell him how you feel?  Is that the last straw?  How many more times will you allow her to demoralize you in front of the kids?  Does she degrade you in front of your family?  Is that the last straw?

When will you know you’ve tried long and hard enough?  Is there a specific number of counselors to try before you can say you’ve given it your best shot?  How many “Save My Marriage” books must you read before you decide there’s nothing worth saving?

How much more can your body take?  Is there a magic prescription that will make all this tolerable?   Is tolerable good enough?

Can you look your kid in the eye and confidently say, “I promise that I did my best and tried my hardest, honey”?

Is it time to leave when you can’t drag yourself out of bed in the morning?

If you sit down to write a pro/con list and the cons outnumber the pros by four to one, does that mean it’s time to leave?

When he doesn’t leave you with bruises, how do you know that it’s bad enough to go?

If she hasn’t spent your every last dime, is it bad enough to leave?

Can you walk away knowing you can’t do any more, and not look back?

If it looks to everyone else like you lead a charmed life and scored the perfect guy…

If she charms all your friends and family, but turns on you when you are alone…

If he looks perfect on paper, but won’t look at you across the dinner table…

How do you decide if it’s time to leave?

How will you know when it’s time to go?

You might ask your mom.  You could ask your girlfriend.  You might have too much wine and get up the guts to ask him if he thinks it’s time you both called it quits.

You could ask a counselor, your gynecologist, someone from the church or the mailman.

No one can tell you when it’s time to go.

You’ll just know.

The post On When to Leave appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

I wiped off six years of dust and handed the jar to Jenny.  As she took the rocks out, one by one, she commented on their smoothness and wondered where I’d found them.

“Your dad and I used to fly fish before Will was born.  I was always on the lookout for rocks when I wasn’t casting the line.”

“How come you hardly ever fish anymore?”

“Well, things change when you have babies.  Someone needs to tend to the baby and that leaves the other person free to fish.  I was tending to babies, your dad did the fishing.  I guess I got wrapped up with kids and forgot I liked to fish.”

As she handed me each rock, I saw how the rocks represented feelings from my married life – feelings that started out good, turned hard and got buried under more hard feelings.  For a long time, those feelings bumped around inside my head like so many river rocks.

“Mom, look at the colors in this one.”

She handed me a piece of glass.  The edges had been tumbled smooth.  The faint hint of green showed buffed scratches.

“This one has layers.  Look at this one with the white lines running through.  How come you never showed me these before?”

“I don’t know, honey.  I guess I don’t think about them anymore.  They’re just rocks in a pretty glass jar.  I didn’t think it was important.”

She handed me the jar and said, “Let’s put ‘em back up on the shelf.  Here’s the lid.  Better twist the lid on tight so the rocks don’t fall out.”

“That’s a good idea.  Wouldn’t want any of those rocks to fall out.”

“What else should we clean?  Do you want me to dust?  I’m good at that.”

“We’re done here.  Let’s head down to the river and throw a line in.”

The post On Spring Cleaning, Fly Fishing and Hard Feelings appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

“What I’d like to know is how old does a person have to be
before they get to do all the fun stuff?”

“One of you grab the iPad and look up stele.  Check out the images.”

“Can we read another chapter?  Please?”

“You’ve gotta get on your list if you wanna have time to hang with your BFF.  Same for you, Will, if you want to make a tee time.”

“Can drawing a stele be on my list today?”

“After worksheets are done, you can draw.”

“Mom, I still have that Starbucks Gift Card.  Can we go by there today?  I’ve been thinking that buying a bag of beans is smarter than three lattes.  It’d last longer that way.”

“Good thinkin’.”

“Can that be my math for today?”

“Nice try.”

“Can we discuss reading?”

“This is a good time.  Get Will to come out to the living room.  I want him to listen, too.

Will, we are reading in Jen’s history section today.  Now I don’t expect you guys to memorize dates or names.  It isn’t necessary to memorize that The War of 1812 happened in …”

“1812?”

“Right.  Good one.”

“Or that the Union side of the Civil War was led by …”

“Grant, right?  He was the younger one who drank and cussed. Right?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“And Lee was the proper one who was in charge of the Confederates.  Right?’

“Yes, my point is that you don’t have to have names and dates memorized, but you need to have a general understanding of the cause of these wars and what brought them to an end.  You can use iPhones and iPads to look up dates and names.”

“When can I get a phone?”

“Can we focus here?”

“Can we pick a science experiment today?  I wanna do the one that’s on the internet about the empty soda bottle and the deodorant.”

“What’s that about?”

“It turns the plastic soda bottle into a torch.”

“Did you Google what happens when you turn the bottle into a torch?”

“No.”

“Do that now.”  (I Googled while he Googled and decided there was no way in hell we were going to risk losing eyebrows or worse.”

“Mom, I found some stuff that says that deodorant/soda bottle thing is pretty dangerous.  I think I better find a different experiment.”

“Good idea.”

“Mom, I drew some steles.  Can I scan ‘em and turn ‘em into a collage in Picasa?”

“Do you need my help for that?  I have to discuss math with Will, and this isn’t a good time for me.”

“No, I remember how to scan, and Picasa is easy.”

“How are you guys doing on journal entries?  Jen, what are you thankful for this week?  Will?  Please tell me you are thankful for something besides skiing and golf.”

“Can I crochet with that new yarn we got?”

“Is your reading done?”

“Yes, and I finished my worksheets.”

“What are you going to make?”

“A scarf for Nina.  She needs more bling in her life.”

“Mom, I was looking at the forecast.  It looks good for tomorrow.  Can you get tomorrow’s list done tonight so I can work on stuff in bed?  That way I could set an earlier tee time.”

“I like your time management.  Jen, if that works for you, we could cut out the lining for your duster and maybe get to sewing it tomorrow.”

“Yeah!  That works for me.  I’ll get tomorrow’s reading done tonight.”

“Go ahead and make a tee time, Will.”

“Cool!  I’ll set a time for 1:30 for tomorrow.  If it’s 3:45 right now, that’s 21 hours and 45 minutes from now.”

“Seriously?  You did that fast.”

“Does that count as tomorrow’s math?”

“Nice try.”

The post Lessons From a Day in the Life of a Single, Stay-At-Home, Homeschooling, Happy Mom appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

I notice the way you won’t let me talk when others are around.  I know you are afraid that I could say something that will make you look bad.

Do you think I don’t see you roll your eyes when I show you my drawings?  There are lots of ways to draw trees, you know.  Your way isn’t the only way to draw a tree.

Do you think that I don’t notice the difference between how you treat me and the way you treat an adult when they walk in the room?  How come you are all nice to the grown up and you are impatient with me?

Do you even know that my feelings are hurt when you say we’re going to have a visit, but you go skiing and don’t invite me?  How couldn’t you know that?  Wouldn’t that hurt your feelings if someone did that to you?

I guess you love your girlfriend more than me cuz when she’s mean to me, you don’t even say anything to her.

I’m not stupid you know.  I can see how you smile when I wear the clothes you bought me, even though I would never pick them out for myself.

I see how you brag to someone when I do the things you want me to do, but how you can’t think of anything nice to say when I do the stuff that I love.

I know what it’s like to feel like an inconvenience – that’s what it feels like when I ask you another question and you make that loud sighing sound and you look at me like I’m stupid.  I thought I was supposed to ask you all my questions.

How come it mostly feels like you don’t even want me around?

How come I feel like you’d rather be doing something else than spend time with me?

Why did you and mom even have me if you don’t want to be with me?

When I grow up, I’m going to have kids and I’m going to love them.  I’m going to let them wear whatever socks they want.  I’m going to tell them they draw the most beautiful trees in the world, because they will.  They will know – down to the tips of their toes – that they are the best part of my day.

I’m going to try my hardest to make sure my kids know they are important to me.

Thanks, dad, for showing me how not to love.

The post On Narcissism and Unconditional Love appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.

“Mom, how old do I have to be again before I don’t have to visit dad anymore?  I have already made my decision that I want to live with you.”

“You do live with me, honey.”

“I know, but I mean all the time.  Every spring break and winter holiday and summer vacation.”

“But then you won’t see your dad.”

“Yes, but we have the memories…”

It doesn’t matter how much I reinforce that it is important to have a relationship with his dad.  Nor does it matter that he doesn’t complain too much out loud.  These conversations reinforce what I already know.

He is struggling inside.

Oh, how I know about that!

I know what it’s like when it’s all confused and churning inside, but on the outside it doesn’t appear that anything is wrong.  To think that I have to wait a couple more years before he has a voice for himself makes my insides knotty.

I wonder to myself, why wait?  But I know the system.  I know it has to come at a time when it is right and unfortunately, something has to happen on the outside for them to listen.  You can’t use history because they believe it will be different this time and as long as the stage lights are on, it may be.

But inside it won’t be.

The post How Old Do I Have To Be Again? appeared first on Surviving Narcissism.