Posts Tagged: all about me


24
Mar 10

The YCMTSU File

YCMTSU stands for You Can’t Make This Shit Up.

I just got off the phone with my dad.  To be honest, he called yesterday and I didn’t pick up.  I hear you gasping.   A couple months ago when I did pick up he was having some financial problems, so I was a little gun-shy yesterday.  But because I am a bad Catholic daughter, the guilt got the best of me today and I picked up.

He said he’d tried calling yesterday.  I said I was skiing.  That was a lie.  (Told you I was a bad Catholic.)  He said, “I didn’t know you were a skier.”  I said, “Dad, I’ve skied with you.  You know I’m a skier.”  He said, “I don’t have any short term memory anymore.”  I said, “Dad, I’ve been skiing for 37 years.”

He called to share a story with me.  It seems that yesterday he’d decided to “end it all”.  He’s sick of the weather, his car broke down, his renters aren’t paying and he’s done with the whole damn thing.  (Please understand that I have heard the “end it all” talk my whole life.  First, I heard it from my grandma, then my dad.  This talk is attention-getting at it’s worst.)   I reminded him that the Catholic Chrch wouldn’t really take too kindly to his committing suicide.    He said, “Well, yes.  I would go straight to hell.”  I said, “What’s the point of being a good Catholic all those years only to end it with suicide and go straight to hell?”  He said, “Well…….”

I said, “Geez, Dad, at least you could wait until the end of golf season.  You’ve got at least one more good season in ya.”  He said, “Yeah, you’re right.  I’ve been swinging really well.  I’ll rethink this thing in October.”

I said, “So did you call to give me the story of “Ending it all”?  He said, “Oh yeah, that’s right.  So I was walking to meet my buddies for lunch at Burger King.  You know, since my car broke down.  And as I was walking across the street I saw a big semi and some trucks heading for me and I thought, ‘I could do this right now.’  So I stopped in the middle of the road.  And you know what happened?  The truck in the front stopped and the semi stopped and everybody else stopped.”  I said, “Well, Dad, I guess God put his big hand down to direct traffic, huh?”  He said, “Guess who was driving the first truck that stopped.”  I said, “I don’t know, Dad, tell me.” Continue reading →


24
Mar 10

Narcissism And Prayer

Sometimes I think that just not thinking of oneself is a form of prayer.
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

17
Mar 10

I Am A Liar

st-paddys-dayThis morning we woke to broken shortbread cookie bites and green sugar sprinkles strewn across the kitchen counter and along the floor.  A confused Barbie was standing erect in Will’s leprechaun trap.  More cookie bites were laying around Jen’s upturned trap.  No luck.  They still haven’t managed to catch a real leprechaun.

Since Will was five, our home has been annually visited by Larry the Leprechaun.  He leaves apples in Jen’s Crocs, stuffed animals in the fridge, bananas on the T.V., tips the furniture and generally wreaks havoc in a playful, good-spirited nature.  A couple years ago, the kids collaborated on a pretty brilliant trap.  The bait was a pile of coins.  On the morning of the 17th, we could see that the money was gone, and all that was left was a pair of leprechaun shoes.  That’s the closest they’ve ever gotten to actually catching Larry.

Will is a very literal fellow.  He has a single-mindedness that drives him to excel at skateboarding, skiing and golf.  It’s that same single-mindedness that makes it almost impossible for him to see the forest for the trees.  Trees, hell, he pretty much focuses on the pine needles or the dust on the  pine needles.  Jenny has a pretty broad lens.  She’s four years younger than her brother.  She’s going to figure out that Santa and Larry aren’t real long before her brother does.  I keep thinking Will is going to catch on and figure out that I’m really Larry, Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.  But last night, we were getting ready for bed, and Will panicked.  “Dang.  Tomorrow’s the 17th and my trap isn’t done!”  He scurried around, grabbed a decorated paint can, a gawdy St. Paddy’s Day necklace, a handful of coins and some duct tape.  He definitely works better under pressure.  Jenny’s trap was completed a week ago and has been hanging – in the middle of the walkway between kitchen and dining room – from a nail.  She loaded it with a – now stale – slice of whole wheat bread and a piece of biscotti.  I figure I’ll wait a few years before telling her that the better enticement for a leprechaun would be a mug of beer.

As I’m watching Will race around the house, scrambling to put his trap together, I was asking myself some serious parenting questions.  Am I perpetuating a fun myth and prolonging the fantasies of childhood, or am I out-and-out lying?  I think I have been assuming that he would figure these myths out on his own.  At this point, I picture him looking in the mirror while shaving, and having the sudden realization that his mom is really the guy in the big red suit.

I think it’s safe to say that most parents lay awake at night contemplating their parenting skills.  I have a tape running through my mind that asks, “How much money should I be setting aside for the inevitable counseling they will need?  Was this a good idea to home school?  When do we have the sex talk?  Should I tell him about sex before I tell him about Santa?” Continue reading →


11
Mar 10

Lemonade, Rocks and Books

rock-saleSo now what?  I know how I got into these relationships.  I know what to do differently once I’m in one.  I am learning new things about myself; what I want; what I don’t want, and what I will compromise on.  I know the sweetness of the good parts, and I know the sour of the parts I won’t live with.

It’s time to come down from the roof.  I can’t spend my whole day drinking coffee, no matter how good it is.  (Although, it’s good to allow myself a couple days of spoiling, reflection, whimpering and chocolate.)

Got an email from a girlfriend last night.  (Thanks, Kath — seriously.)  She said, “Go out to dinner with the outdoorsy guy.  What have you got to lose?  You gotta keep the door open.”  Yuk.  I’m just fine with the door closed for now.  And I’m not missing the emotional roller coaster one bit.  (Guess she didn’t read the post about how much I don’t like shopping.)  Even if I do drive a car with a stick, I’ve no desire to shift gears that quickly.

Jenny set up this cute little rock selling stand a couple days ago and it got me thinking.  We are going to make lemonade from the lemons, sell the rocks from our shoes, and I’m going to seriously work on the book.  And for the day-to-day survival, we are going to schedule a whole bunch of things to look forward to, otherwise known as distractions.   Here’s my plan.

  • Yesterday I booked the cruise for the second week of May.  I’m lousy at keeping secrets, so I told the kids even before I booked it.  Hell, by now I’ve figured out that the best part of any vacation is the anticipation of it, so now we can have fun anticipating together.
  • Next week we will plant Sweet Pea seeds, prepare for the arrival of Larry the Leprechaun, and attend the Best Little Western Art Show in the World.
  • Ski season is winding down, so we’ll hit the slopes a few more times.
  • The kids and I will finish “The Great Tree of Avalon – Shadows On the Stars”.  This fun book includes wonderful lessons about karma, tenacity, the struggle for good over evil, and a lot of humor, even if it’s a bit violent at times.
  • I’m going to enjoy reading “The Girls from Ames”, “Do One Thing Different”, and “Marriage and Other Acts of Charity”.  Never have been able to just read one book all the way through (unless it’s an Elizabeth Berg) because my mood changes from the time I wake until the time I hit the pillow again.
  • We are still deciding on a dog.  At this point, we’ll fall in love after the cruise.
  • Kids are signed up for some art lessons.
  • I am working on the book.
  • Golf season overlaps with ski season.  I have new divots in the front yard before the grass has had a chance to green up.
  • And just yesterday, Jenny learned to ride a two-wheeler, so that opens up a whole summer of riding bikes along the river.
  • Continue reading →


10
Mar 10

Understanding Ourselves

Everything that irritates  us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

5
Mar 10

Recipe For Moving On

cup-o'-joeApparently life is not waiting for me to catch up.  It’s time to put an end to my little pity party, round up the soggy wads of kleenex, wipe the mascara from under my eyes and move on.

Ever since the kids could walk, I’ve asked them to get a kleenex when they see someone is hurt or crying.  It’s not because I wanted them to wait on me, but handing someone a kleenex when they are crying is a great way to show you care when you don’t know what the hell to say.  It’s better than standing there waiting for the sobbing person to tell you, “Could you get me a kleenex, already.”

Tuesday night, Will wised up and brought me the whole box.

There’s too much to do, too much to plan, and too much to anticipate to spend any more time licking my wounds.

Enough is enough. Continue reading →


28
Feb 10

Let Me In

paw-printsThese prints belong to Nina, the world’s most patient cat.  She left them on the front step while she patiently waited for one of us to remember to let her in.

I hope this last day of February finds you happy and healthy.

I hope you have let in those you love, and that those you love have let you in, too.


26
Feb 10

Narcissism Sucks

A wise woman once said, “narcissists suck.”  I’ve spent some time on her blog.  It’s a deep, dark, cavernous hole of information.  I would caution you to be careful before spending much time there.  You may learn more than you really want to know.

Tonight I am really thinking that narcissists suck.  I have a little girl who hasn’t been feeling well.  She will be fine.  But for right now, she is depleted.  She wants to cry and she can’t.  She actually told me that she, “wants to let the tears out, but she can’t.”  When I ask her why she can’t cry, she explains that she’s been practicing not crying in front of her dad.  She doesn’t want to cry in front of him because he treats her like a baby.  So now she thinks she’s forgotten how to cry.

In the meantime, Mark has not come by to check on Jenny.  You see, he skied on Wednesday and Friday.  And he’s leaving town after work tomorrow for a convention in the sunny Napa Valley.  He can’t afford to come by and check on his daughter because he doesn’t have time, and because he wouldn’t want to risk catching her bug before he leaves town.  (So how about calling to check on her?)

Narcissists suck.

——————- Continue reading →


25
Feb 10

Narcissism and Annexation

I was up all night with Jenny.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but she was afraid of falling back to sleep for fear she’d get sick again.  I held her pretty much all night long while she drifted in and out of sleep.  I looked at her long lashes and perfectly arched eyebrows, her long delicate fingers and the wisps of hair around her forehead.  She’s not a baby anymore, but when she’s not feeling well, she seems as fragile and vulnerable as when she lived in my arms.

I had a lot of time to think last night, and Jen’s being ill reminded me of the scary time she spent in the hospital with pneumonia.  She was four years old.  It was the last weekend of ski season.  Jenny’s fever started Friday afternoon.   Mark worked his usual Saturday shift, and by Saturday morning I was running out of the fever fighting duo – Tylenol and Motrin.  I called him at the shop and asked if it would be possible for him to leave to bring us some medicine.  He said that he could leave long enough to run and get it, but that I would have to come down to the shop and get it from there.  So I got two kids out of bed, buckled them into their cold car seats and made the 20 minute drive to the shop to get the meds.

He did come out to the car to make a show of checking on his daughter, and then we zoomed back home.

That afternoon, he was able to get out of work early enough to head up to the ski hill.

When he got home from skiing, he found me sitting on the couch next to a lethargic Jenny.  I was able to manage the fever, so at this point I felt we were just letting the bug run its course.  Quite frankly, it was easier to care for an ill child if Mark wasn’t around demanding to be center stage. Continue reading →


24
Feb 10

The Search

I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.
Michel de Montaigne

21
Feb 10

A Bad Day Doing Anything Is Better Than A Good Day With A Narcissist

His knees make this strangely hollow sound when he smacks them together.  Imagine taking two 2×4’s wrapped in fleece, and hitting them against each other.  Will is a thin 11 year old.  He doesn’t have a lot of padding, especially around his knees.  He’s gone through an interesting series of nervous ticks.  I don’t think of the knee-knocking as a nervous tick, but I’ve noticed that he does this when he’s playing a game on the computer, or when he’s talking on the phone with his dad.

We went skiing with grandpa yesterday.  It was another great day at the ski hill.  As tired as I am of the snow, it has made for some amazing conditions this year.  Jenny and I don’t feel the need to ski every single day.  Will doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with skiing every single day.  As we were driving home from the hill yesterday, we were talking about what to do on Sunday.  Will has a standing invitation to ski on Sundays with Mark.  (Jenny sort of has a standing invitation.  That means that Mark has invited her to ski on Sundays, but has implied that it will really be more fun for her when she can ski the more challenging runs.  “Daddy loves to ski with you on the days you go with mommy.”  That means he makes an appearance on the green run, exclaims loudly how his little girl is skiing so beautifully, and then ditches her for the black diamond runs.  We all know that Mark won’t sacrifice a full day of skiing to spend it with Jenny on the easy stuff.  The only reason Will has a standing invite is because he can ski everything on the hill now.)  Jenny and I had made plans to go to the library this Sunday.  Will was saying that he felt like maybe he should stay home and go to the library with us.  Grandpa couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and he said, “What?  You can’t decide between skiing and the library?  Are you feeling okay?”  Will knows that sounds ridiculous.  You’ve heard the expressions:  “A bad day of golf is better than…”   “A bad day of fishing is better than…”   We always say, “A bad day of skiing is better than a good day of staying at home.”  It’s more than a little embarrassing for Will to weigh the prospect of skiing versus a trip to the library.

Will called his dad last night, knees knocking, and he couldn’t decide what to do.   “I can go skiing with dad and the snow will be awesome.  I can practice those jumps I’ve been working on.  The moguls on Muley will have a fresh dusting of powder.  I know it will be great.  But dad will make fun of me and hurt my feelings.  I don’t want to deal with that.”

Here’s where I say all the mumbo jumbo that I’m supposed to say to help my son deal with a narcissistic dad.  “Try to develop a tougher skin.  Let what he says ping off your coat of armor.  You can’t limit the things you do in life because you are afraid that someone will say something that hurts your feelings.  Focus on the good/fun part of the day.  Let what he says role off your back.  Or, better yet, actually come out and tell him that what he says really hurts your feelings.  Stick up for yourself.  Be tough.  Be like Bode Miller.  Be strong and ski like crazy and ignore your dad.”

In addition to the knocking knees, I’ve noticed that Will always asks his dad if anyone else will be going with them on Sundays.  I don’t know if Mark has noticed that Will only likes to go with him if someone else bums a ride.  Will doesn’t like to be alone with Mark.  Will and I talked about how dad says his sarcastic, cutting comments when no one else is around.  No one else hears those comments.  That’s why it is hard from grandpa to believe that Will wouldn’t want to go skiing.  That’s why the guys at the ski hill may be thinking that Mark is a pretty good guy.  They don’t hear what Mark says to Will on the chair lift when no one else is around. Continue reading →


20
Feb 10

It’s All Talk

Big hat, no cattle.
Unknown

19
Feb 10

Narcissists and Rules

  • cowboy-hatDon’t touch a cowboy’s hat or a lady’s hair-do.
  • Don’t ask anyone how many acres they have, how many head of cattle they own, or how much money they have in the bank.
  • Do not ask a lady how much she weighs or how old she is.
  • Never ask a big lady when her baby is due.
  • Don’t tell anyone your social security number, your pin number or your locker combination.
  • If you eat the whole bag of Fritos, keep it a secret.

These are social norms or rules.  They aren’t laws, but they are so ingrained that they might as well be laws.  Some are as old as dirt, and some are relatively new.  The Frito rule might be specific to my little family.  There are a lot of rules that kids need to learn, and a lot of them can sound kind of silly.  Now that Will is older, he understands the one about a cowboy’s hat.  He still doesn’t get the one about a lady’s hair-do.  Maybe that’s because I don’t really have any sort of hair-do, and I don’t personally adhere to that rule about my own hair.  Will is a literal fellow, and I can remember that it took a lot of explainin’ to get across the point about not asking how many cows someone has, or how much money they have.  If he was quick to tell someone how many pennies he had in his piggy bank, why wouldn’t they say how many dollars they had?

Last night Mark was over.  The visit included the usual high-pitched, sing-song voice, the faked appreciation of the kids’ artwork, and tediously exaggerated tales of his grandeur.  When Mark left, Will told me, “Dad gave Bob our locker combination so Bob could wax my skis.”   I have met Bob only one time.

The kids and I have been invited to share a locker with some other family members.  (These family members are extended family, and they are not part of Mark’s extended family.)  The locker is not ours.  The locker combination is not ours.  Perhaps you may even be able to hear my fingers slamming the keys of my keyboard at this point?  At the beginning of the season, Will had gone skiing with Mark.  When Will couldn’t get the locker open, he shared the combination with his dad, hoping his dad would be able to get the lock to cooperate.  That was an innocent move that any child would make — even a child who is beginning to grasp the rule about not sharing your locker combination, pin number, or social security number.

Over the course of my ‘relationship’ with Mark, I have seen many instances where Mark has not followed rules.  It wasn’t so much that he fudged a little, or that he was in a hurry, or that he figured he could bend a rule just this one time, he firmly believes that rules don’t apply to him.  Just because a sign says “No Parking”, that doesn’t mean he can’t park there.  You would think there would even be some fine print on the bottom of the sign that read, “But it’s okay for you, Mark.” Continue reading →


13
Feb 10

Narcissism Pisses Me Off

dropping-keysToday we skied like we could be Olympic contenders – in our dreams.  We laughed, inhaled fresh mountain air, and got that really good tired.  Then we came home and made fajitas, sat by the fire and watched amazing athletes compete on T.V.

It was a stellar day.

Why am I so agitated?

In the last few days, I’ve gotten emails from a woman who is agonizing over the chaos in her daughter’s life.  Her daughter divorced a narcissistic man five years ago, and this man is still making her daughter’s life a living hell.

I’ve gotten an email from another woman who found the courage to leave her narcissistic husband, but she doubts her decision on a daily basis, because this man continually tells her that she’s making a monumental mistake. Continue reading →


11
Feb 10

Come And Tell Me Why Yer Leavin’ Me

The first time I set foot in our little house, I got teary.  Granted, I wasn’t very emotionally stable at the time.  I had decided to leave my husband.   I had been living at my mom’s for a couple months.  I had to get my kids settled, and the weight of the transition was heavy on me.  The realtor unlocked the maroon door and we stepped into the open living room/dining room area.  I took one look at the wood stove, glanced at the dark red walls in the kitchen, and I knew it would be our home.

I always wanted a wood stove at Mark’s house.  I’m always cold, and I wear layers, even in summer.  We deal with a lot of winter, and a wood stove provides a comfort that you don’t get from an electric blanket or forced air heat, or a narcissistic husband.  Besides, I love the ritualistic aspects of burning wood.  There’s the physical labor of finding and cutting and hauling and stacking the wood.  And there’s the continual feeding of the fire.  Will and I even cleaned our chimney this year.  I don’t care that it’s messy.  I love the smell as much as the warmth.  It’s basic to survival.  It connects me to the process of life.

Mark doesn’t like burning with wood because it’s messy, smelly, and hard to control.

__________

It was our first winter here, and I jumped up to put another log in the wood stove.  Without realizing I was doing it, I started singing a song from my college days. Continue reading →