in search of self « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: in search of self

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
24
Aug 13

Born With Fine Wings

She was born with wings – just like everyone else in the forest. Like theirs, her new wings were tender, fragile and craving the warmth of the sun.

In those first few years, she’d been fortunate enough to dance in the sun on the light side of the forest. She didn’t spend a lot of time on the light side, but when she was there, she felt her wings stretch and reach and show their splendor. She would crave that joyful feeling her whole life.

Most days she could be found tiptoeing under mushrooms on the dark side of the forest. She kept her wings folded close to her back. When her wings were tucked in, she felt protected and safe from harm.

When she wasn’t exploring under mushrooms, collecting rocks or planting seeds, she would venture out to see what she could see. There she would find others – some with wings tucked in, and others with their wings spread. Those with spread wings moved about talking of the shapes of mushrooms or the colors of moss or the mess of pine needles covering the forest floor. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — Comments Off
13
Jul 13

Passion-Driven

I whisper as I nudge his shoulder, “It’s 6:30, honey, time to get up.”

He rolls over to pull the covers over one shoulder, “Okay. I’ll get up in a second.”

I walk out to the kitchen and put some water on to boil. It’s hard for me to be up this early on a Saturday. I don’t know how an almost 15 year old does it.

This is his fourth day in a row.

As I sprinkle coffee into the filter, I can hear rustling coming from his bedroom. I marvel at the fact that most days, I don’t have to nudge him more than once.

He’s got it down to a system. He gets his clubs ready the night before. He lays his clothes out, gathers his wallet, phone and golf journal. In the morning, he needs enough time to shower and get dressed. I can be seen following him around nagging him to take another bite of bagel or drink more water.

We get in the car and we are off.

Depending on whether he golfs 9 or 18 or 27, I won’t hear from him again until he calls to tell me he’s on the tee box of his last hole. This from the boy whose hip has been connected to mine for 15 years. This from the boy who likes to know where I am at all times.

Golfing is his passion. When he’s golfing, he is in his zone. (When he’s not on a course, he’s practicing his swing, Googling other golfers’ swings, learning about new equipment or making a tee time.)

When he’s in his element, he isn’t worrying about what I’m doing, what’s for dinner, whether he has disappointed his dad, or what his sister might be getting that he isn’t getting.

When he is in his zone, he is free to be who he is without the influences of his life.

Who wouldn’t get out of bed at 6:30 on a Saturday to get to a place where you can feel like that?

Random Observations — 12 Comments
12
Jun 13

“Hey, Lady! Back Away From That Black Box!”

It might have helped if I’d known more before finding myself teetering on the railing of a bridge, clutching a Black Box of cabernet.

Had I known, I wouldn’t have felt the need to write about how worthless I feel.

If I’d been told, I wouldn’t have frantically searched the yellow pages looking for a therapist to tell me that I wasn’t having a nervous breakdown.

It would have helped to know before I found myself wrangling with either wanting to jump my manfriend’s bones or figure out why he was trying to ruin my life with his very existence.

If I had known, I’d have understood why none of the usual words weren’t helping. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
7
Jun 13

Put The Shovel Down

Put the shovel down and appreciate the progress made.

The endless lists – not just the ones posted on the kitchen cupboard, but the ones cataloged in her mind – had helped to get her here. Those words had changed her. She’d certainly improved. When comparing herself to where she’d been even six years ago, she’d come a long way.

Breathing was easier. Sleep was deeper. Certainly her kids were happier. But why was she still dealing with an ever-present dark shadow? Why would she wake enthusiastic and light-footed only to run headlong into the shadow by day’s end?

She’d stop long enough to sit with an iced tea and settle her mind – to the extent that she could. She’d approach her thoughts like an efficient, eager-to-please administrative assistant organizing piles on her desk into Handle Now, Needs More Info, Suspends, and Circular File.

Which of the thoughts were coalescing into the dark shadow? Which thoughts continued to haunt her? Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support / Tools / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
1
Mar 13

Help In The Night

She wanted to switch on the light, but she didn’t dare wake him. On those sleepless nights, if the moon wasn’t too bright, she could see stars through the skylights above their bed. Maybe one day, when she was free to pursue her own interests, she’d learn the constellations – Cassiopeia, Orion and the others. The names made her think of possibility.

Possibility was what she needed to believe in right now.

Was it possible to feel good again?

Was it possible to create a healthier life – better than this life full of fears and disappointments and anger?

She gently turned back the covers and stepped out of bed. She had tiptoed down the stairs enough times in the dark to feel her way down without bumping into anything. Once downstairs, she could turn on a light, slide out the drawer in the office desk, and reach into the back for a small, innocent-looking spiral notepad. The pages were worn. The pad was almost full. She had turned down corners on pages that held the notes that touched her most deeply. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations / Stories — 8 Comments
26
Feb 13

On Packing Light

Meet me on the hill – the one where
we used to start at the top and race to the bottom.

Remember how we’d pick the sunniest day
and wait until after lunch
when the grass had sunned enough to be warm.

We’d start at the base of the biggest tree,
lay on our sides,
stretch our lean bodies and scream as we rolled,
mowing over dandelions and Johnny Jump Ups.

We’d make crooked zigzags all the way down,
and for the length of the ride,
the world turned into a blur of puffy clouds and green grass.

We’d reach the bottom,
gasping and laughing.
We wouldn’t even brush off our knees
before we started back up again,
pumping skinny arms and legs to reach the top. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 4 Comments
15
Feb 13

Words Got Her Out

A few more boxes to pack and load into the car and she’d be done.

She thumbed through magazine clippings that had been filed in an office drawer. Some clippings dated back to her college years – that dreamy phase of, “When I grow up and marry, I hope my kitchen has …..”

There were clippings of herb gardens, bathroom paint colors in sage and mint, examples of open shelves instead of upper cabinets for the ideal kitchen, and nursery ideas.

__________

Her girlfriends thought she was crazy for not wanting upper kitchen cabinets. She loved how open shelving prevented her from collecting junk. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 34 Comments
5
Feb 13

When to Stay Away

The thing is, most of the time I know when to stay away.

When she says, “Ewwww! Mom, remember that experiment where we made the smoothie for Twilite? You know the blueberries, grass and banana drink? It’s still in the fridge! Come smell it!”

Yeah.

No.

I know to stay away. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories — 15 Comments
15
Jan 13

The Jigsaw Puzzle

She was too exhausted to untie the bundle. He stood next to her and excitedly pulled at the bow that was wrapped tightly around the four corners of the blanket. His hands were shaking. He fumbled a bit, but the blanket fell open to reveal the most precious gift. He gently placed the baby in her arms. They didn’t notice the green organza bag that fell out of the blanket to the floor.

They cooed at the baby while the nurse placed the green bag inside an overnight bag.

__________

A couple days later a tired, happy, new mom unpacked the overnight bag. Inside she found the shiny green bag. Was it a gift from the hospital? In her exhaustion, had she forgotten who’d brought her this unusual gift? She opened the bag to find seven brightly colored pieces from a jigsaw puzzle. Surely there was a puzzle somewhere that was missing important pieces. Who could this belong to?

She was too tired to sort out the mystery, so she placed the green bag on the shelf above the changing table. Continue reading →

Quotes — 2 Comments
11
Jan 13

Life Happens In The Ricochet

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy
or introspectively passive and sad.
Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.

– Sylvia Plath

Parenting / Random Observations — 21 Comments
9
Jan 13

Who Are You Mad At?

Are you mad at the clerk because of her surly attitude, or was she surly because you loudly chatted on your cell the whole time she rang up your groceries?

Are you mad at the unfortunate soul who answered the phone when you called to complain about your bill, or did you forget to greet him politely?

Are you mad at the guy at work because he had the nerve to ask you to make his project a priority, or are you mad at yourself because you didn’t say no?

Are you mad at her because she says you are too sensitive, or are you mad at yourself for not sticking to your boundaries? Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations — 13 Comments
30
Dec 12

New Growth

Lose weight.

Exercise more – hell – start exercising.

Quit smoking.

Start walking.

The Lizard Brain Runs Amok

The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry, and horny.

– Seth Godin

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
11
Dec 12

On Default Settings and Choice

Stumbling in the dark, hoping to avoid stepping on the cat on my way to making that first cup of coffee in the morning, I do not have the presence of mind to plan on having a happy day. Once I’ve had those first sips and my eyes start to focus, I am not any closer to consciously thinking, “Today is going to be really happy.”

Will is six-month-old puppy-happy every day, and even he doesn’t get out of bed and announce, “Today I’m going to be really happy.” He just is. That is his default setting.

My setting is more in the range of – get along; don’t rock any boats; hope to get a few things done and feel like I’m a decent person by the end of the day kind of setting.