love « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: love

A Day in the Life of an Anxious Attacher

“Focus, already!”

“You’ve heard from him. Knock it off.”

“There must be something wrong. I sent him that email 20 minutes ago, and still no response.”

Such are the words inside the mind of an Anxious Attacher.

She might start the day optimistic. She’ll have her to-do list ready, her projects prioritized, her appointments scheduled and her coffee consumed. She’ll be heading down a productive path that gets things crossed off her list, helps her feel positive and full of energy, and then… she gets an email where he sounds a little off. He sounds like he might be out of sorts. He may not even be out of sorts, but she so adeptly reads between the lines that she’ll be convinced he’s out of sorts by the fifth time she’s reread his email. Continue reading →

On Dating With Kids

“Okay you guys. What do you think? Any red flags? Let me have it.” (I’m not sure I can trust myself to see things clearly.)

Kids are like pets. They know who to steer clear of and who to trust – instinctively. Come to think of it, adults probably have those same instincts, but they long ago stopped listening to them – or at least I did.

Will laughed and immediately said, “No! No red flags. You’re kidding, right? Why?” Jen smiled and shook her head.

“Come on Jen, are you holding back? You can tell me. It’s okay.”

“No, mom, really. I don’t see anything.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 8 Comments
11
Mar 15

When the Other Shoe Drops

Hank had finished polishing the bar when two women approached and perched on adjacent stools. He waited for a pause in their conversation before asking what they’d like. He heard the brunette say, “Well, you know that I’m always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. It’s the way I’ve always been.”

The blonde laughed. “I know, but you have had the shoe drop in pretty much every one of your relationships.”

The brunette said, “Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” She looked at Hank. “Hi, I’ll have the house cab. How are you?”

The blonde said, “I’ll have the same. Thanks.”

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 Comments
26
Feb 15

On Lost Souls

“Gladys, dear, I’m serving up some cherry pie. It’s still warm. Will you have a slice?”

“Margaret, it’s too early for pie. It isn’t even noon yet.”

Jon road up on his skateboard, “Since when do we have to worry about the time on this side? I’d love a slice of your pie, Margaret.” He leaned his board against a grave marker, “Actually, I think I’ll have pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That is if yer making it, Margaret.”

Margaret handed a slice of pie to Jon and giggled, “That’s the nice thing about this side. We’ll never run out of pie.” She scraped the server against the pie plate. “Gladys, if you don’t mind, dear, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question.”

Gladys sat down next to Margaret. “Go ahead. Ask away. Although I don’t know what I could possibly know that you don’t know.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 8 Comments
11
Jul 14

On What’s Missing

A typical day finds me juggling agendas:

Will’s involving all things golf with segues into fly fishing or spincasting or minnow catching (aren’t they all the same thing?) and begrudgingly mowing a few lawns to keep him in golf balls. (Did I mention I’m glad we’re done with fireworks season?)

Jen’s involving ways to gut a stuffed animal, fill it with tubing so as to mimic the digestive process of a ‘real’ dog (without the mess), trips to the craft store and coconut oil treatments on blisters created by spins on the horizontal bar that now graces the back yard.

Mine involves tending a belligerent garden, stopping up water leaks, pretending to write on a third book, finding new things to grill on the Weber and repeatedly washing the same three golf shirts.

Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 2 Comments
20
May 14

The Hungry Boy

I was cutting grass, head down, thinking about how the warm weather had finally gotten here as he wheeled around the corner on his scooter. I looked up to see a seven year old wearing a wrinkled, too small t-shirt and an expectant look on his face. I quit cutting and said, “How are you this morning?” He bounced in place, hopping on and off his scooter, “I’m okay. I wish I could play with my friends that live over there.” He pointed to a house a few doors down. “I bet you do. Maybe they like to sleep in on Saturday mornings. A lot of folks do that. It feels good, don’t you think?” He looked at me as he thought about it, “Yeah, I guess it does.”

And because I wanted to get my chores done so I could play in the sun, I went back to cutting the grass. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me until he gave up and went back home.

A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of a basketball being dribbled around the corner. The sound kept getting louder. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t look up at him. I can give you all the reasons why I didn’t. I’m not convinced that I could justify my reasons.

I kept cutting grass with my head down, listening to the basketball, afraid to strike up another conversation. If I chatted with him, he’d end up hanging in our driveway, drawing chalk smiley faces, eating cinnamony toast and finagling an invite to lunch. Only that’s not what he was hungry for. I know what he was hungry for. He was hungry for attention. Why else would a seven year old bounce a basketball in front of a middle-aged woman that he didn’t know – for what seemed like five solid minutes? Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 4 Comments
9
May 14

When History Repeats Itself

“Margaret, just a skinny sliver. Please! I wish I’d never discovered the deliciousness of your pies.”

Margaret chuckled and handed Gladys a plate with the smallest slice of lemon meringue. “Gladys, why do you still worry about your figure? Is that not one of the bonuses of being on this side? By the way, dear, what is your favorite kind?”

“Well, are we talking pie or men?” Gladys laughed as she watched Margaret wince.

“Oh, my! Well, I never. Well, sometimes I do. Oh! listen to me. I’m all flustered and Jon and Basil aren’t even here.” Gladys wiped the pie server on a cloth. “Since you brought it up, dear, what is your favorite kind – or is it type – of man?” Margaret fanned herself and adjusted her apron.

“Relax, Margaret. The guys won’t hear us. And so what if they did.” Gladys dabbed the corner of her mouth with an embroidered napkin. “In my experience, women and men have a type. No matter how many relationships they may have, their partners usually fall into the same category. Maybe he prefers brunettes. Maybe she prefers the quiet type. He needs to be mothered. She keeps trying to find the guy just like her dad. We all have a type.” Gladys reached for her bag to find a cigarette. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 6 Comments
3
May 14

Show Them the Love You Want Them to Find

Dear Jesse,

I like how you set out to read more and then started reading more. I watch you walk into the library. I know you are planning to look for some fantasy fiction or maybe a good mystery. I see you standing in front of the ‘New Books’ section. I see your eyes scanning the shelves. I watch as your hand reaches up to grab yet another non-fiction about narcissism or relationships or parenting.

Dear heart, you’ve read enough. You’ve seen the patterns. You know that the reason you keep ending up with narcissists in your life is because that’s what you learned as a kid.

Yeah, I know you are gun-shy about getting into a new relationship. That’s certainly understandable. All the reading in the world won’t prepare you for the next time. Your heart will know when it’s time. I can’t tell you how a new relationship might turn out. That’s not my job. It’s your job to get out there and keep trying.

When you are ready to try again. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories / The Bartender — 3 Comments
13
Apr 14

A Little Jack Daniel’s and A Lot of Advice

“What’ll ya have?”

“Jack on the rocks. And some advice. Please.”

“Well, the Jack is easy. We’ll see how I do on the advice. What’s up?”

“I’ve been seeing an amazing woman. She’s smart, funny, beautiful, independent. She has friends and she’s tight with her family. She’s had a few relationships, so she’s already worked through stuff. Thing is… I dunno.”

“Ah…. sounds like I better leave the bottle of Jack right here. I’ll be back.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 2 Comments
2
Apr 14

“Why Are They So Angry?”

“Have you noticed the anger coming out of them? They are all mad.” Gladys reached into her beaded bag for a cigarette.

Jon squirted oil on his bearings and gave the wheel a spin. “Why are they so angry? They’re alive. Isn’t that enough to keep ’em from being mad?”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you, Jon. But all of them are angry. Some of them keep the anger bottled up. Some of them explode at the first provocation. It’s a shame, really. And by the way, I’ve made some fresh pie today – French Silk. That was my husband’s favorite. I made French Silk for every one of his birthdays. In fact, I often made him French Silk when he was angry about something. That’d do the trick every time.” Margaret reached behind to re-tie her flowered apron.

Jon put down his board and walked to Margaret’s side, “My mom made a chocolate pie. Is that what that is? I’d love some.” He takes a slice and leans against a grave marker. “So, Gladys, what are they mad about?”

Gladys exhales and says, “It’s more about who they are mad at. They are mad at their boss, or their boyfriend. Most often they are mad at their husband. A lot are mad at their mother or father. Hell, they’re mad at everyone.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / Words Got Her Home — Comments Off
22
Jan 14

Fanfare is for Narcissists

Fanfare is for narcissists.

That’s why – without all the folderol – I’m telling you that my books are available for free on Smashwords.com. Visit my page on their site and click through to enter the codes*.

Seeing My Path is a series of conversations I have with myself over a few road trips to a plateau outside the town where I live in Montana. Sometimes humorous and often self-deprecating, the conversations are an assessment of some of the crappy choices I’ve made. The convo progresses to the wake-up call that sends me in a new healthy direction. I’m still heading in that direction today. (Thankfully.)

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code LU97P for Seeing My Path.

Words Got Her Home is a compilation of quotes and pictures that motivated me to get off the old path and stay on this new one. It’s a quick read that I still refer to on some of my “down” days.

When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code RN36H for Words Got Her Home.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, I think you’ll enjoy the books.

I’ve been on this path for awhile. I’ve learned a lot about narcissism – enough to help myself and my kids learn to live a thriving life even while still dealing with narcissism.

It’s my goal to help others dealing with narcissism – especially kids.

The codes will be effective until February 22.

Please.

Get the books.

I hope they shed some light and encourage you on your path.

Thank you for being here.

*You can either visit smashwords.com and search for Jesse Blayne, or click on my page.

Guest Posts / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 16 Comments
7
Jan 14

You and I – A Glimpse at a Healthy Relationship Beyond Narcissism

Guest Post by Zaira

You and I

You may never know how deeply I was affected when you came through the door at 7 a.m. Then you crawled in my bed, noting I hadn’t slept, and held me tight. You told me you couldn’t live without me, that you will always love me – your best friend.

You may never realize how you opened up your soul this morning or how much trust it takes to do that. Or maybe you do. Maybe that is the problem. I can’t give you everything, but I can give you a lot. A lot that your heart needs.

You may never know how much it took for me to write that text. The one that said not to call me today. The one that I wrote not knowing what you would do when you got it. The scary one.

You may never realize how much I appreciate you kissing my tears away when you don’t know what to do and how it is the perfect response. How much I need your honesty. Your unconditional love. Love that I haven’t had before. Love that can’t exist with a narcissist.

You and I may not be perfect. We may be indecisive, impulsive, and unsure. Our feelings are difficult and unmanageable at times. But this love and friendship we built is one thing we did right… you and I.

Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
25
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 4

The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.

He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.

Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.

Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Quotes — 15 Comments
6
Nov 13

Changing Her Own Life

I read and walked for miles at night along the beach,
writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly
for someone wonderful who would step out
of the darkness and change my life.
It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.