… before you were married, he said flattering things about the way you dressed and the clever way you put yourself together. After marriage, he tells you how he never liked boots with skirts, and that you shouldn’t wear your hair short because it makes your face look full. Continue reading →
Posts Tagged: marriage
6
Mar 12
Listening To My Body*
I walked out of the doctor’s office and ran across the street to the drug store where everyone knew me by name. I was out of Pepcid. I had a box in the bathroom, two in the kitchen cupboard, one in the office desk, and one under the car seat, but the box in my purse was empty. Continue reading →
24
Jan 12
You Can’t See Me Until I Do
There is an undercurrent of truth seekers in the river of life. Continue reading →
13
Jan 12
Tales From Moving On
She hadn’t written him a letter explaining. She hadn’t told him she was leaving. She didn’t realize – until she saw her hands putting her journal, a laptop, and some clothes in a box – that she was leaving. Continue reading →
5
Jan 12
The Day She Gave Up On Herself
She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself. She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.” Continue reading →
10
Oct 11
Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?
As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.
“Hey, you!” Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.
She said, “Hey, yourself! I never walk this time of the day.”
I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”
She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”
*Gulp!*
(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.” I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”
__________
She is an acquaintance and a published author.
While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.
I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.
Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format! The quotes and pictures round out the whole message. How is it selling?”
*Gulp.*
Then she said, “Your message will find the right people. You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last. You showed how that balance is necessary. There’s a lot written about that right now. It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”
We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.
__________
As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”
Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening - I said, “Huh? Who?”
She said, “The narcissist. Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”
My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”
What other sane reason could there be?
This time I didn’t offer that explanation. I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”
She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”
28
Sep 11
Sound Advice
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
- If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
- If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
- Your gut always tells the truth.
- If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
- If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
- Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
- Respect has nothing to do with age.
- It doesn’t need to be this hard.
- If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
- If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
- It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
- It’s okay to not like everyone.
- If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
- Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
- Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
- They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
- Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
- Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
- There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
- There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early. (See above on sleep and makeup.)
- Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
- We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
23
Sep 11
To Parents of Daughters
We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her ~ a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her ~ a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly ~ a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her ~ a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man.
– Unknown *Thank you, Kate.
– Unknown *Thank you, Kate.
6
Sep 11
It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone
When he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business… Continue reading →
