I spent some time on the sidelines. I was too close to the game, and couldn’t see the action well. I moved to the stands. I can see the game better, and it’s a lot more comfy here, too. It’s best that I’m further from the action. They can’t hear me when I fail at keeping my mouth shut. I’m sitting on one of those cushions with the attached back. There’s no one sitting in front of me, so my feet are up. I’ve got popcorn and an icy cold beer. Continue reading →
Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior
9
Jun 10
The Narcissist’s Instincts
I woke to the sound of our cat crunching on her breakfast. We buy her the good stuff. I’m sure that’s why she’s so nice to us. Then I heard her claws click across the hardwoods as she made her way down the hall and across my bedroom. I heard that pause right before she jumped on my bed. She snuggled in for a morning nap after filling her belly. My bed sets beside a sliding glass door that looks out on the Poplar in the back yard. Just as the cat closed her eyes, I saw a Robin land on the shed roof next to the Poplar. The Robin was probably a teenager. It didn’t have the downy fluff of a new bird, and it didn’t have the red breast of a young adult. It had the speckles of an adolescent Robin that’s just learning to fly. Continue reading →
5
Jun 10
Sitting On The Sidelines
Sometimes I have wished that I could take the messy parts of life, put them in a cardboard box, seal the box with packing tape and put it on a high shelf in the garage. It isn’t realistic to send the box out with the trash. Oh, if we could just get a reprieve from thinking about that stuff. I’d label the box with a thick, black Sharpie - “Do Not Open Until Mentally Prepared to Deal”. The box would collect dust. I’d move it occasionally. I’d take it down and think I was ready to open it. I’d take a box cutter and slit the tape and just the opening of the top would let a vapor into the garage. The vapor would cloud everything, and I’d grab the tape and hurriedly seal the box back up. I’d put the box back on the shelf, wait for the vapor to dissipate and tell myself that in another couple weeks, I’d better be able to handle the contents of the box. Continue reading →
31
May 10
homekeeping 5
I did it. Saturday night I dropped some plates. I’m not proud of myself, but there it is. Actually, I didn’t so much drop them as fling them against the wall. Only two of ‘em. I can’t glue them back together. I will carry on with the four remaining plates.
29
May 10
Venting Prevents Action
“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.” Continue reading →
27
May 10
Beauty Through the Act of Loving
Yesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am. It was a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where it came from. Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed. Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop. Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet. I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on. The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid. In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me. This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth. Both of those expressions are over-used. But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be. Continue reading →
26
May 10
Beauty, Insecurity and Denial of the Feminine
I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. And of course, I was probably swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted. But I felt beautiful. Continue reading →
25
May 10
Narcissism and Lip Service
Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’. Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists. We all give things lip service. “I’d love to meet you for lunch.” “Love that new haircut.” “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.” “Your new boyfriend is very charming.” Continue reading →
19
May 10
The Flow Has A Plan
When I tuck Will in at night, he wants to know how many pages he should read before he turns out the light. He wants to know the plan for the next day. He wants to know if he will be allowed a cup of coffee. He wants to know what we’ll be doing for learning work, if he’ll have time to golf, and what we’ll be having for dinner. (I should clarify that he doesn’t need any kind of approval from me on all these things - pages read, golf time. But some things like coffee and dinner and learning work, he does need to hear from me.) When I tuck Jenny in, she is busily putting jammies on her Barbies and barely makes eye contact long enough to say goodnight. Continue reading →
6
May 10
Trail Guide
“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.” That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today. Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids. She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment. Continue reading →
