Posts Tagged: NPD
16
Oct 11
Ignorance is Bliss
Children’s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
- Maya Angelou
14
Oct 11
A Different Version of Normal
At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes. Continue reading →
10
Oct 11
Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?
As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.
“Hey, you!” Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.
She said, “Hey, yourself! I never walk this time of the day.”
I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”
She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”
*Gulp!*
(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.” I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”
__________
She is an acquaintance and a published author.
While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.
I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.
Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format! The quotes and pictures round out the whole message. How is it selling?”
*Gulp.*
Then she said, “Your message will find the right people. You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last. You showed how that balance is necessary. There’s a lot written about that right now. It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”
We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.
__________
As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”
Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening - I said, “Huh? Who?”
She said, “The narcissist. Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”
My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”
What other sane reason could there be?
This time I didn’t offer that explanation. I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”
She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”
3
Oct 11
Serendipity in a Story
Through tears she asked, “How come he says other kids do things well, but he can’t say that about me? How come he doesn’t think I’m great? What do I have to do to get him to say those things about me?” Continue reading →
28
Sep 11
Sound Advice
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
- If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
- If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
- Your gut always tells the truth.
- If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
- If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
- Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
- Respect has nothing to do with age.
- It doesn’t need to be this hard.
- If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
- If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
- It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
- It’s okay to not like everyone.
- If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
- Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
- Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
- They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
- Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
- Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
- There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
- There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early. (See above on sleep and makeup.)
- Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
- We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
15
Sep 11
I Am Not A Goddess
“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time. Continue reading →
6
Sep 11
It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone
When he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business… Continue reading →
26
Aug 11
Secret Makings of a Happy Ending
The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop. The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue. The cue was the sound of the garage door opening. Continue reading →
15
Aug 11
Walls, Fences and Structures
An excerpt from Seeing My Path.
… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.
The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.
I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.
. . .
The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.
On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.
What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?
What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?
Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?
Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.
*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.
It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)
