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Posts Tagged: survive
8
Dec 11
If It Isn’t One Thing, It’s Your Period
They could have banished me to the old white shed. Continue reading →
5
Dec 11
I Want to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy
It sat there for six days.
I couldn’t bring myself to put it away.
In my typical state of doing too many things at once, while talking to Will, brushing my teeth and straightening the bathroom, I almost tossed it in the cupboard.
But I stopped myself.
I had grown to like the look of it.
Really.
I’m okay.
I swear.
__________
I liked its simpleness.
I liked its sparkles.
I liked that it barely left a slight shadow.
I liked how it stood out amongst the things it sat beside.
I liked how it waited patiently until it was pressed into service.
I liked that it didn’t have an identity crisis, and knew completely and without a doubt what it was expected to do. It might be worn on a tiny wrist or twisted into a doll’s hair, but it had a single, primary function that it performed better than most anything else.
It didn’t care that it was no longer in style.
It didn’t care that it wasn’t used very often.
It levitated happily, in its place, letting its shiny threads brighten our day.
Oh… to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy.
30
Nov 11
What Do You Need To Be Happy?
I could have said, “Geez you guys! I can’t handle this stuff laying around everywhere!”
I could have said, “I want more time to do what I love, instead of having to pick up after you two!” Continue reading →
28
Nov 11
Ignore the Two Steps Back
One step forward, two steps back.
One step forward, two steps back.
One step for……
I know, already!
Yet I can be found grumbling, kicking rocks and beating myself up with each one of those steps taken back.
My cheerleader voice says:
“Focus on the progress.”
“See how far you’ve come.”
“Hello, Girl! You are way better off now than you were five years ago!”
“It’s okay to slip up once in awhile.”
And because I was never a cheerleader in real life – is high school real life? – I gravitate to the curmudgeon side of me that says:
“Why do you let him get to you?”
“Wow, Jesse, way to emulate grace and poise,” in a most facetious tone.
“Hello? Have you forgotten what the pattern is here?”
And then the wise old soul in me – the one who lightens up, the one who doesn’t take all this shit too seriously, the one gently encouraged by the Universe, the one whose cup is empty says:
“Jesse, it’s okay.”
“That’s what it’s like to be human.”
“Slip-ups happen on the way to progress.”
“You are showing your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, own it, and move on.”
“Remember that thing about the bitter and the sweet?”
“Just keep moving, honey, and don’t put so damn much emphasis on those two steps back.”
24
Nov 11
Appreciation for Blessings
Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.
Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.
I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.
- A safe, cozy home – free of judgment and negative energy.
- Family and friends who infuse our lives with love, humor, skill saws, plumbing knowledge and free labor.
- A cat who knows when we need extra attention, and doesn’t get too mad at us when we take occasional road trips.
- The opportunity to let kids be kids in all their exuberance, sweet messiness, and enthusiastically curious selves.
- The ability to let the kids pick the menu for today’s feast. (Pot roast, buttery noodles, lasagna, macaroni and cheese and Cheetos – cuz it’s about the getting together and not about forcing kids to eat stuffing made with chunks of gizzard. Sorry, mom. But I will miss your stuffing.)
- The chance to start a new day with grace and integrity even though I blew all my grace and integrity out of the water with Mark a couple days ago.
- The deep understanding that I am perfect in my whole unique self. I may have a long way to go, but it’s okay if I mess up, and the important thing is that I keep trying.
- The insightful, often funny, warm and encouraging comments from all the caring individuals who read this blog.
- Two amazing kids – one tucked under each arm – who chose to make this journey with me.
- That look in the eye of someone who knows you, understands you, and loves you anyway.
- Second chances.
- The quiet moment to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and laugh, after the mountain of holiday dishes are done.
- Leftover lasagna instead of leftover turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!
17
Nov 11
A Life Remodel
One day, I’m going to get an internship at the Behr Paint Factory. I’ll show up for work in jeans and sit in one of those spinning desk chairs that tip back. I’ll prop my feet on the desk and throw Nerf basketballs in the net above the coffee machine. I’ll spend the whole day brainstorming with my jean-clad co-workers about paint names. Continue reading →
9
Nov 11
Ordinary, Everyday Bright Spots
They are in there.
I promise.
You might have to train yourself to look at things differently.
Some bright spots may require a little effort on your part.
Some bright spots just happen.
Once you notice them, savor them.
- Perfectly steeped tea, toast with the right amount of seedless raspberry jam, a good magazine and a few quiet moments to read.
- A Jackson Browne song, followed by a Bonnie Raitt song, followed by Fleetwood Mac on the radio as you’re driving down a tree-lined street under a canopy of red, yellow and gold.
- When the kids enjoy working together to build a ginormous pile of leaves for jumping in; and the sound of their caring, cooperative voices laughing and happy.
- A canceled dad visit.
- An email from a friend that simply says, “I was thinking of you today.”
- The cat jumping into your lap, simultaneously warming you and slowing your heart rate.
- When she finds the perfect leaf engraved with the mysterious zig zag and sets about pressing it in waxed paper between two heavy cookbooks, and doesn’t ask for help.
- When he yells, “Thanks for washing my clothes, mom!”
- A long, hot, uninterrupted, steamy shower with time to apply rosemary-scented pumice foot rub on dry cracked heels.
- Spontaneous hugs and whispers of “I love you” from the child who didn’t use to be so demonstrative.
- When she says, “Mom, can I fold the towels? Please?”
- When, at 4:30, you call and invite someone for dinner at 6, and they say, “Yes! And I’ll bring the wine!”
- When you stop raking for a second, realize that it’s not windy, and you can hear the train rumbling along the tracks down by the river and the high-pitched sound of the wings of the Canadian Geese as they fly over head.
- That first sip of Merlot when the spaghetti sauce is simmering gently, the kids are outside rolling in the leaves and Dean Martin’s version of Sway comes on the iPod.
- That delicious place at the end of the day when all the doors are locked, the kids are tucked in safely, you lay back on a new pillow, open up a new book, and realize you have the freedom to read for as long as you want.
- The moment when you realize that all your choices have brought you to this place in time, and you discover that you are right where you want to be.
31
Oct 11
Scary
Scary is having your son’s 1st grade teacher ask you if there are problems at home that might explain your son’s nervous tic.
Scary is loosing contact with family and friends because your husband doesn’t like you to keep in touch over the phone or have company come for dinner.
Scary is not being able to sleep because you fear the treatment you’ll receive the next day because you will – once again – disappoint him and fail to meet his expectations.
Scary is believing that you have done something to bring about the treatment you are receiving.
Scary is staring out the window while sipping the morning’s first cup of coffee and realizing that the emptiness you feel every day is what you are going to feel for the rest of your life, if you don’t get out of this situation.
Scary is realizing you have forgotten who you are.
Scary is finally getting the courage to write him a letter explaining your fears and desperation, only to have him tell you that the issues are yours and he’ll support you in your efforts to fix them.
Scary is believing you don’t deserve any better.
Scary is knowing that your husband can’t see his own children for who they are, but tries to mold them into what he wants them to be.
Scary is knowing that if you stay, your children’s spirits will be snuffed out.
Scary is feeling so frightened and desperate that you pack your bags and leave the house you’ve lived in for thirteen years without having a backup plan.
Scary is knowing everyone thinks you are crazy for leaving such a wonderful person.
Scary is getting out, and fearing you’ll end up in another relationship with a narcissist.
25
Oct 11
Self Care In Stolen Moments
In an unexpected turn of events, both kids ended up at grandma’s.
She could do laundry, rake leaves, return phone calls or unload the dishwasher.
She could clean the cat box, change the water in the fish bowls, pick up the remnants of thread from last night’s craft fest, or run errands.
Without giving it any more thought, she jumped in the car and headed for the wine shop. She re-filled a bottle with basil-infused olive oil and selected an every-day bottle of red wine.
When she got home, she kicked off her shoes and ignored the mess.
She cued Nora Jones on Pandora and stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the crimson leaves waiting for a strong gust of wind.
She spied a ripe tomato on the windowsill and went to work.
She put a cast iron pan on medium heat; thinly sliced the tomato; thickly sliced the Monterey Jack, grabbed two slices of bread and butter. She gathered deli ham, balsamic vinegar, Italian Seasoning and a jelly jar.
She layered ham on one slice of bread, added cheese and tomato, and covered with the other slice of bread. She spread one outer side of the sandwich with butter and placed it in the warmed pan. She buttered the remaining side.
She kept the heat at medium so the cheese would slowly melt, sealing the tomatoes to the ham while the bread slightly toasted.
She poured an inch of cabernet in the jelly jar.
She turned up the volume on Pandora.
She glanced again through the kitchen window, took a deep breath and didn’t let herself think about laundry, raking, dishes or bills.
She flipped the sandwich and took a sip of wine.
She cleared a place on the kitchen table, moving things aside, not putting them away.
Once the sandwich was toasted and the cheese was melty, she moved it to a plate and separated the sandwich to reveal the warmed tomato slices. She drizzled balsamic and the basil-infused olive oil over the tomatoes, soaking the toasted bread. She dusted the tomatoes with Italian Seasoning.
After another sip of wine, she took her first bite.
__________
It’s not often that she has a moment to herself. She seldom takes the time to fix herself something yummy to eat.
As she savored the sweetness of the tomatoes, the richness of the cheese and the earthiness of the balsamic, she tried to direct her thoughts.
In her mind, she tied a wide, crimson-colored satin bow around the things she ought to do next.
She pushed them all aside.
Instead, she imagined opening a gift.
The gift was a present to herself. As she unwrapped the package, images began flying out of the box. The images represented all the things she was grateful for: her happy, healthy smiling kids; their cozy little home; good friends and family and her own health.
She took another bite as she visualized more images flying out of the package.
There were the projects she’d completed; the trips they’d taken; the book she’d finished; and the new goals lined out.
In this rare quiet moment, she had the space and time to take stock of, and enjoy her accomplishments. Instead of fretting about what needed to be done, she thought of the tasks and projects she’d managed to complete.
She allowed herself to be proud of those completed projects.
She had set her own goals and standards, and proved that she could meet them.
She could feel the momentum that comes from making changes and completing projects.
There was more to be done.
There would be more to be thankful for.
And then she heard their footsteps on the front porch.
The door burst open, letting in two kids and a flurry of leaves.
“What’s that smell? Mmmm…. Will you make me one?”
__________
Grilled Ham, Cheese and Tomato
- Italian Bread
- Deli Honey Ham – thinly sliced
- Monterey Jack Cheese – thick slices
- Tomato – from the garden, if you are lucky
- Balsamic Vinegar
- Basil-infused Olive Oil – Extra Virgin Olive Oil will do nicely
- Italian Seasoning – or Oregano
- Butter
Layer ham, cheese and tomatoes between slices of bread. Butter the top and place buttered side down in a cast iron skillet that has warmed on medium heat. Toast slowly to melt the cheese and warm the tomatoes. Butter top before flipping.
Once the sandwich is toasted, remove from heat and separate. Lightly drizzle the olive oil and balsamic over the tomatoes, letting some soak into the bread. Sprinkle with seasoning.
Take bites of sandwich and sips of wine while picturing all the things you are grateful for.
