This is the beginning.
This is where I start to sort out what it means to survive narcissism. I am still coming out on the other side of this relationship. I’m not sure anyone knows how long it takes to make sense of the experience. Maybe I will always attempt to make sense of it. But with lots of humor and the help of great friends, I’m beginning to see what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn about why I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.
Now I can say that it continues to be an entertaining journey. I’m not sure I would say that if I hadn’t gotten out. When I was in the relationship, I was too busy looking at the trees to see the forest. From this new perspective, the forest isn’t scary anymore. And the trees weren’t that difficult to cut down. I’m braver than I thought I could be. Now I can see that those trees were comical, not menacing. I’m sure it sounds crazy when I say the trees were comical, but if I hadn’t laughed at the bizarreness of those episodes, I’d still be there, struggling for my next breath.
I gained a lot of confidence from educating myself about this disorder. This blog helps me to vent, make sense of, laugh at, and maybe even help someone else. This blog will not be clinical, or negative, or cynical. There is a time when a survivor needs to commiserate, and feel sad, and lick wounds. This blog is about how crazy, funny, insane and ridiculous it is to live with a narcissist. It is that humor that made me realize that my relationship was not normal. His behavior was too strange. It was not because I continued to screw up. His behavior WAS NOT NORMAL. I’ve got a lot of stories. Maybe those stories will shed some new light on this disorder. At any rate, it’s always good to share stories with other survivors. There’s nothing quite like that moment when a survivor looks at you and knows exactly what you are talking about because they’ve been there. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having all this craziness understood by another in a way that only happens if that person has experienced the same thing.
Revision (2/5/10)
I just reread this post…
Who was I kidding? While this blog isn’t clinical, it is at times negative, somewhat cynical, and definitely sarcastic. I’m still packing my chainsaw, just in case.
Tags: divorce, humor, life, narcissism, narcissistic behavior, NPD
I really like this website. I am currently going through a divorce was a “N”, and while I am happy that I am getting out of this situation it is still very daunting. I have a 5, 3, and 1 month old baby and he walked away from us like we don’t even exist anymore. He’s living with another woman and won’t even be honest about it.
I tried to call and talk to his family and his mother told me she doesn’t believe anything that I am telling her, she is mad at me for divorcing her son, and she thinks I am mentally challenged.
So on days like today it is nice to read this blog and not feel crazy or alone.
Thanks for posting this. I am just coming out of a three year very crazy bizarre relationship with a narcissist….so bizarre I could not even see how bizarre it was.
Deanna,
Welcome. Glad you found us. You know that we know how you feel.
Jesse
I had no idea I was in love with a narcissist until I started to realize that this relationship was so unhealthy, I was in the emergency room 3 times within a year with anxiety and panic. My body was shutting down because I was not allowed to be myself in this one-sided relationship. It was devastating that this man had no regard for me or even valued what I brought to this relationship. I was with this man for 4 years off and on and then when we finally got together and I moved in with him, did he show his true colors. After I finally left and picked myself up from this fake relationship, I got a call from him telling me that his teenage son, whom I loved very much, committed suicide. I am still picking myself up off of the ground from what this man did to me. These people need help.
Denise,
I’m glad you found us. I hope you find some comfort here. I completely agree with you, that these people need help. However, I don’t believe that a narcissist ever comes to the point of realizing that they need help.
Jesse
You are all so right. No one understands unless they have been with one. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until I educated myself online about it at (http://liftedhearts.com).
I met him on eharmony. He was so perfect, or at least the fake personality of him was. We dated for almost a year and were planning on marrying. But like Denise above said, your mind shuts down in the one sided relationship and you lose yourself and your self-esteem at the same time. It is confusing and deeply disturbing. Then he and his mother dumped me over the phone over a lie his mother told. (yes, M. Jones, research narcissism and you will find it is brought on by the mother!) . When I tried to disprove the lie, he turned away and never spoke to me again. I was erased and ostracized like I never existed. That is part of their self importance.
I hope he and his mother will be very happy together. It has taken me 5 months to start to see clearly that they both did me a favor. I knew something was terribly wrong, I just was so brow beaten by then I couldn’t see clearly. I’m finally getting ME back and have learned a valuable lesson of life.
Take the time to visit that website. There are online books and articles that helped me tremendously. Good luck ladies. It is a horrible experience, but you are so much better to be away from it. I hope someday I can trust again.
Doreen,
Thanks for finding us. And thanks so much for sharing the link.
I didn’t know what a narcissist was either. And I know what you mean about hoping to be able to trust someday.
I’m still thankful that I discovered NPD, so I could quit thinking I was the one that was the problem.
Hi Jesse,
I was mousing over websites in the comments on a recent post at Cleavage, and yours caught my eye. I read enough here to say, with reasonable certainty, that I get it. I don’t talk about it so much anymore, but let’s just say that my blog on communication has a lot to do with my experience with a passive-aggressive ex-husband with hints of narcissism (somewhat similar or frequently go together, seems to me), but by the time I figured out what was going on with the PA, I was too exhausted to give a hoot about whatever else his problem is. But finally seeing what was going on and why gave me enough sanity to get out.
No, you weren’t the problem and neither was I. I take full responsibility for my choices (I see patterns) and full responsibility for things I did or said that weren’t right or healthy or decent by any standard. But I wasn’t responsible for or the reason for his behavior. That’s a separate entity that exists independently of me.
Best wishes and good luck!
Leah
PS I saw something about “word soup” or a “word salad” in one of your posts–yeah, I know! lol OY
Hi Leah,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Just hearing the words ‘passive-aggressive’ makes me want to bury my head under the covers.
I’m looking forward to checking out your blog.
It’s funny – ha ha – that you use humor as a coping mechanism because I did too. DID! Past tense.
In one of the first counseling sessions I had with the narcissist I knew, the (excellent, wise, experienced) counselor said to me, “I notice you use laughter to deal with this. Do that more often. Use your laughter.”
It was wonderful to have laughter validated as not only something that feels so GOOD and healing but is a valuable tool to preserve the inner self against damage.
Flora,
I don’t know what we’d be doing right now if it weren’t for our ability to laugh at the situation. And that is definitely the positive side of all this narcissism business. Those senses of humor will serve us well all our lives.
And the quickest way to get us out of a funk is for one of us to crack a joke.
It can be pretty fun around this joint!
In my bleak moments of a year or two ago, all I wanted was someone to make me laugh. I couldn’t reach inside far enough to bring up a joke. But I sure knew one when I heard it! It made me feel so much better. It really is the best medicine.
I am new to your site and wanted to thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am currently in a very difficult relationship with someone I believe may be narcissistic – I have definitely had one of these relationships before, although I didn’t realize it until I broke free and reclaimed my sanity, although not completely by confidence! I think I may be there again. But am not sure if it’s this or maybe bipolar disorder? He is suffering from serious depression at the moment after having great stress and a fall out with his family. Can N have depression? I am trying to provide distance between us, but don’t want to let go just yet, not sure why that is? Anyway I have read a lot of your new blogs and decided to start right at the beginning. Thanks again.. If anyone can tell me how to distinguish the two conditions it would be greatly appreciated..
Hi Nicki,
Welcome.
I have not read much on narcissism and depression. My gut says that since Ns believe they are perfect, they would never consult to find out they have depression, because they would never suspect such a thing.
However… in my case, he would often tell me that there was a history of depression in his family and that he made his choices (set up walls, spent time away from me and kids, orchestrated routine and activities) in an effort to ward off depression. It would often sound like this, “I have to do this without you so that I can protect myself from sinking into depression.”
I believed him for a long time. Now I think it was his way of never having to bend to my choices or schedule or activities.