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Control

On Feeling Sorry for the Narcissist

She couldn’t help herself, she felt sorry for him. She knew the details of his childhood. She knew he’d been all but abandoned when he most needed caregivers. Each and every time she looked at him, she could see that hurt little boy who longed to be acknowledged, loved and cared for.

What kind of monster would she be if she didn’t feel sorry for him? She could be the one to show him love … finally. She could be the one to show him his worth. Someone had to do that for him. Why not her? Once he felt safe and secure in her love for him, all would be right. Then he would be whole, and he could give her what she needed.

He was drawn to her kind heart, the way dirt is drawn to that rubber floor mat you walk over as you enter from the garage. He probably wasn’t even aware of the magnetic attraction he felt for her. He didn’t realize that she was motivated by feeling sorry for him. Here was a woman who was willing to put herself aside for him. She would do anything to prove how much she loved him and that gave him power. Every time she felt sorry for him, he would glow in the focus of her attentions.

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Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
14
Jul 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Narcissist Quotes / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Jun 15

The Wake Left by the Controller

Controllers aren’t always* aware that their actions leave lasting scars on those they are controlling. The controller is so focused on his desperate attempts at micromanaging his universe that he can’t see the destruction left in his wake.

The Controlled Wife

It’s a wonder she hasn’t been scooped up by Hollywood. Her efforts at applying makeup are Oscar-worthy. Because her husband appears to find joy in criticizing her appearance, her skillful makeup application has become an attempt at defending herself from further jabs. But, trying to please a husband who cannot be pleased is an exercise in futility.

Perhaps more importantly, her artistic way with cosmetics gives her a measure of control over her own existence. In this way, she has an area of her life that is free from his manipulations. It’s behind the safety of the locked bathroom door that she is finally able to breathe. She’s gotten fast with the application, so as to spare herself from his complaints about the amount of time she spends in the bathroom. The downfall of her obsession with cosmetics is that further anxiety is created by her need to hide any purchases from the controller. Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
31
Jan 15

You’ve Been Gaslighted

You’ve been gaslighted if you feel backed into a corner and told you are “too sensitive” for your own good.

If you second-guess your thoughts, re-read your sent email file and wonder if you ought to try to be kinder …

If the mere thought of seeing that person gives you an upset stomach …

If you normally sleep well, but lately you wake in the middle of the night to re-visit conversations, wondering how you could have been so misinterpreted … Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him. He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving. How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving. I understand that you feel sorry for him. You’ve got the kindest heart. Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation. A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya? He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

He entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room. She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control. When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top. It’s just a glass of wine. Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters. One brought up the weather. Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school. It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations. He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school. He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children. (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them. “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.” If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

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Child of Narcissist / Control / Opportunistic / The Bartender — 12 Comments
20
Oct 14

The Poster Child for Narcissism

“Hey, you’re new in here. What can I get you?”

“Oh, just water for me. I don’t like to lose control.” He sits on a stool a couple spots away from a woman seated at the bar. “I think my ex-wife comes in here. I was hoping to run into her.”

The bartender laughed, “That’s not something I hear very often. You want to run into your ex-wife?”

“Yes. I’m selling my car and I’m hoping she’ll buy it for our son.”

The bartender slides a glass of water across the bar. “Tell me about this car.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
29
Jul 14

The Ending

Guest Post by Anonymous

It ended with a coat…

An argument between my 12 year old son and my husband ended my 20 year marriage – all over a coat.

It was the Friday after Thanksgiving. We had spent the better part of three days at our niece’s house, as I was helping her host her first Thanksgiving – for 20 people, no less. We returned home Friday afternoon after a two-hour drive. I just wanted some quiet time so begged off from a housewarming party we were invited to attend. Husband and son were preparing to go without me when a fight broke out between them over son taking a coat which husband deemed appropriate for the weather, one which son hated and refused to consider. The fight escalated into an ugly scene – son locked husband out of house after being chased around the yard by him, in the dark. Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / Stories / The Bartender — 2 Comments
8
Jul 14

“I Married My Mom!”

“I’ll have a Jack and Coke. Hold the Coke.”

“Was the long weekend tough on ya? How was the lake?” The bartender reached for a rocks glass, filled it with ice and poured a steady stream of amber-colored attitude adjustment.

“The lake was fine.” He reached for the glass and took a long sip. “I married my mom.”

“You what!? This weekend? You did what?” The bartender paused, bar rag in hand, waiting for an explanation.

“No. Not like that.” He took another sip. “No, I meant that the woman I married is exactly like my mom.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
20
Jan 14

“What About Jen?”

“Will, you’re blinking a lot. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Is it about the trip?”

“No. Yeah. I dunno… I guess.”

I put down my mug and said, “Tell me.” Continue reading →

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11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

Control / Stories / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
11
Nov 13

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 3

She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.

He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.

She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.

She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.

If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
20
Aug 13

Only If You Dare

Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.

Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”

You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.

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Child of Narcissist / Control / Homekeeping / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations — 18 Comments
23
May 13

Beware of Nice Narcissists

Nice feels good. Nice looks good.

Nice smooths rough edges, makes conversations less awkward, and hides ugliness.

There’s a plaque above my cupboard that says, Because Nice Matters. Another sign at the front door reads, Be nice or go away.

For a long time, I firmly believed that the world would be better off if we would all be a little nicer. What if we always made casseroles and brought them to those recuperating from surgery? What if we remembered birthdays and sent cards? What if we gave up our seat on the bus and held the door and remembered to shut our mouths when we couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

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