Mark and I hadn’t been dating long. One late summer evening we were taking a walk through a nice neighborhood I had grown up in. I was kind of hoping that I would see someone I knew so that someone I knew would see me with Mark.
I was in the googly-eyed phase of the relationship. I still couldn’t believe that a guy this handsome and this charming actually wanted to be with me. So, naturally, I wanted the world to see me with him. Then the world would think, “Wow, that Jesse is something, isn’t she. She’s with Mark.”
Even though I was so charmed by him and enthralled with the idea of being with him, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me. I felt petty for even mentioning it. Part of me was afraid that if I criticized anything he did, that he’d dump me. Maybe the thing that bugged me, wasn’t a big enough thing to risk sacrificing being with Mark.
I was almost 30 years old at the time. I was starting to understand how important it was for me to express my desires and be open in a relationship. We were strolling, holding hands, and I felt very close to him. In a very gentle, non-confrontational way I asked him why he often talked to me in a sing-song voice.
(This voice was kind of cute in the beginning. I had wondered if that was a voice that he used when he was finding his way in a new relationship. Maybe he didn’t know how to get close to a woman or be intimate, so he resorted to this patronizing voice. I hoped that he would get comfortable enough with me that he could drop the annoying voice.)
Mark wasn’t at all annoyed, and initially, I was relieved. But then he went on to say, “Oh, that’s the voice I use with all the people I love. That’s how they know that I love them. That’s just how I am. That won’t be changing.”
That voice lacks respect. That tone suggests that the person he is talking to is lesser in status or ranking than he is. Perhaps the only time that tone is appropriate is when talking to very little children. Even then, children deserve respect. The voice isn’t genuine. That tone is forced. A narcissist doesn’t have the tools for naturally relating to loved ones, so they fabricate gestures and voices that they think fit the situation or the person.
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The other day, Jenny, my 7 year old, was lovin’ up our cat. Poor Nina can put up with the smothering for only so long, and when she escaped, she left a pretty nice scratch on Jenny’s neck. Jenny wasn’t mad at Nina. She didn’t even attempt to cry. She was, however, very concerned that the scratch was visible. I explained that you could hardly see it. “Mom, if dad sees this, he’ll talk to me in that voice and treat me like a baby again. We’ve got to cover up this scratch.”
I have vivid memories of my kids sitting on Marks lap in what would appear to the rest of the world like a sweet display of fatherly love. I can remember the look in their eyes made me think of an animal with its leg caught in a trap. With his arms wrapped tightly around them, he’d tell them how he loved them in that suffocatingly sweet voice.
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic behavior, NPD
