Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter. I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself. With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year. I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”
I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.” All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.
No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment. And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.
“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates. A nice big box of ‘em. And there’s a card in there somewhere, too. Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”
Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites. Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.”
Mark says, “No, son, your mom likes these chocolates. Just ask her.”
When Will turned to look at me, I decided to go out on a limb and say, “Well, actually, I have never liked caramel milk chocolates. Will is right. I guess you forgot that I like dark chocolate. That’s okay. It was sweet of you to think of me.”
Then Mark curtly says, “Well, I can’t be expected to know what you like if you are always changing your mind. Since you suddenly decided that you don’t like these chocolates, I guess I’ll have to take them back.”
There was no point in explaining that I hadn’t changed my mind. There was no point in trying to pretend that I always loved the chocolates. It was best to just say thank you, pick up the contents of the grocery bags, and get back to preparing dinner.
That was the first year that I decided to buy myself a Valentine’s Day present. I’ve not done that since. I felt the need to see what it was like to receive a gift, knowing that the person who had picked it out had actually thought about me while they were making their selection.
I picked some fine dark chocolate and, because I was the accommodator, I got some caramel chocolates for Mark, too.
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, humor, narcissism, narcissistic behavior, NPD
I think you’ll appreciate this given you writing about gifts from an N. My MIL gives the kids ornaments every year. On the bottom of each ornament she paints Grandma and the year she gives it to them with their name. Needing attention much?
It’s wonderful you got your own chocolates :) We all deserve to get what we actually want.
Jenn,
And with a narcissist, you can wait around forever for them to give you what you want/need, and it’s never coming.
… even if you tell them what you want. ;)
Good thing my DAD sends my favorite chocolates every year for Christmas. He never forgets….
But this time of year, I always ruin it for myself with memories of returned or taken back gifts. (N baggage) There is none of that now, so why do I torture myself with it? Everything under the tree now is exactly what I wanted…even if it is nothing. :)
Z,
Bless your dad, and bless you, too.
I’d tell you to quit torturing yourself, but I know how that is.
As for me, sometimes…. the feeling sorry for myself for all those lousy holidays can be almost as sweet as my favorite dark chocolate.
I know. I have work to do….
I’m so glad to have found this website! Both for my clients and myself..rich and personal and insightful…
All the comments strike me as I can find examples of them in my own life…my Nana, my mother, my ex-husband and his mother…The awareness I found in the 3 years since my divorce has been full of good lessons.
My ‘favorite’ memory of a ‘gift’ was during a Valentine’s Day blizzard…I worked a double shift with my husband at our pizza shop on Valentines Day…I thought it could have been fun and romantic…I gave him his card and treat bright and early that day…he sulked and remained distant most of the day…as we were pulling out of the parking lot at 11:30pm he reached down under some trash in the front passenger side of the truck and pulled up a dirty card, “Oh, here..I almost forgot..happy valentine’s..” My guts plummeted at the time, but now the story actually cracks me up!
The lightness of being alive when you come out from under their cloud is extraordinary!
Hello Elizabeth!
Welcome to the conversation.
I can tell you have lots to share. ;)
One of these days, Hallmark will come out with a card that a Narcissist gives to himself on Valentine’s Day.