No One Believes You

A couple weeks ago the kids and I went to Starbucks for a rare treat.   I saw an acquaintance that I’d not seen since I had left Mark.  The fellow commented on how he hadn’t seen me in awhile, and he guessed that I was focusing on raising kids.

I explained that I was divorced, and that my circle and routine had changed.

I enjoy seeing the looks on the faces of those who are just discovering that I am divorced.

This fellow said, “On the list of unexpected news, your divorce is tops.  I would have never guessed that would happen to you.  You always made marriage look easy.”  With coffee in hand, he walked out shaking his head.

__________

Narcissists are always concerned with appearances.  Others never have a clue if there is trouble in the narcissist’s home.  And, the narcissist’s lack of empathy prevents him from having any idea that his spouse is unhappy.  If his spouse bravely mentions her unhappiness, her issues will never take center stage long enough for any solutions to come about.

If the focus is always on the narcissist,  he will  forget that his partner has any issues with him.  Or, he’ll simply say, “Your issues are about you, they have nothing to do with me.”

__________

Shortly after leaving Mark, I was at the grocery store with Jenny and Will.  A woman I’d known longer than I’d known Mark came up to say how stunned she was when she’d heard of our separation.  She started to ask me what had happened.  I certainly wasn’t going to share the details with her, especially in front of the kids.  As I started to find an appropriate response in a way to change the subject, she cut me off saying, “Oh save it.  I don’t want to hear it.  I’ve always liked Mark, and that’s not going to change.”

Only a survivor knows the strangeness of life with a narcissist.  Everyone else thinks you are exaggerating.  Narcissists are so charming, that they have everyone convinced they are fabulous.  All those who have been duped by the narcissist’s charm are slow to believe any stories to the contrary.

__________

Since discovering NPD, I’ve  re-connected with a couple friends – friends who I was prevented from maintaining relationships with while I was married.  Their marriages have ended, too.

We ended up re-connecting the way divorced people often re-connect.  We had this common ground to explore together.  There are the inevitable questions of, “Are you doing okay?  When did you know to quit trying?  How’s your health, now?”  Those conversations took an amazing turn when one of us would recant a bizarre story of the treatment that resulted in the decision to call it quits.  There would be a shared look.  Either I would say, or she would say, “Do you know about NPD?”  “Do you know?”

We are kindred spirits.

We are members of a secret clan.

We should have a secret handshake or a special code that only NPD Survivors understand.

More than that, there’s the comforting knowledge that you’ve found someone else in the world that – without having to explain every detail –  knows exactly what you’ve been through.

Survivors don’t have to be convinced.

They get it.

Survivors believe you.

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21 comments

  1. I believe you – more than you know. I’ve lived this strange nightmare too… You are not alone. :)

  2. Fellow survivors validate your experience and there’s just no way to describe how good that feels.

  3. I had no idea there would be so much comfort in sharing with other survivors.

  4. You are the bravest woman that I know and I enjoy your writing. I am ever-amazed that you are so well-balanced now. I am sorry that there are others out there going through this… maybe not even on as big a scale as you did. This is really a debilitating disease for the survivors in a lot of cases. Since the Narcicist doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them, it’s your fault, right?…. NO!!!
    Keep on writing!!!

  5. I love the secret handshake idea… with what I know, what I’ve been through, how brave I was to leave, I can only shake my head when asked “why did you leave?” I can not grasp the audacity of aquaintences who ask me questions; show obvious doubt right in front of my children. After 2 years I am still asked if I will go back to him, if I’ve come to my senses. This whole experience has been surreal. When I say the word “narcissist” people think I’m weird. It doesn’t matter, nothing can compare to the misery, despair, confusion of living with one. I don’t even try to explain. I nod my head, agree, humor everyone; smile like “I know, I must be crazy to leave a 2.5 million home, 3 beautiful kids, nannies, housekeepers, club memberships, new cars, jewelry…” I must be on drugs or an alcoholic or ?? I don’t care, it doesn’t get to me anymore. Why would there be a narcissist survivors website, along with all the other sites that come up when you Google narcissist. Thank you for this, it validates all I’ve been through; I’m ok. I am happy, I don’t have to live with him anymore.

  6. A lot of people don’t get it but I have found I was equally surprised by the people who weren’t surprised. When my first marriage ended, I got a call from my minister who’d heard the news from a neighbor. I thought I’d get an offer of counseling or some sort of lecture on the sanctity of marriage. Instead, I got an offer of emotional support and a promise that life would get better “now that it’s not all about him.” I still wonder what it was he saw that so many, myself included, did not.

    I agree on finding community. I am sad to realize there are others walking this path – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone – but the journey is much, much easier once you realize you’re not alone.

    I think we should have a special pin, like the mockingjay pin from Hunger Games. It could be our secret symbol and our gold medal, too :-)

  7. Sprung…

    Right before I married Mark, at least three people were brave enough to try to talk me out of it. They couldn’t tell me – specifically – why they thought it was a bad idea for me to marry him. Now I believe they saw him for who he is but that they couldn’t explain it to me. I wouldn’t have listened anyway. I was naive enough to think that through our love for each other we could work through anything.

    Jenny and I have talked of making a survivor pin. I’m thinking of some kind of bird. The pin has to have wings, dontcha think?

  8. Interesting. None of my friends saw it beforehand with mine (or if they did they didn’t tell me). But my best friend called me when my first husband took off and apologized to me … because her husband had tried to talk her into talking me out of it – HE got a “bad vibe” but couldn’t put his finger on it. She was so taken with my ex, she refused.

    I agree on the bird pin! A phoenix seems like it might be a good metaphor for the secret society …

  9. Sprung,

    Yeah, most of my female friends thought I’d landed a good one. So did I. ha.

    It’s a sign! Jenny has been going through a Phoenix Phase – drawing them with amazing colors. They inspire me. Thanks for that!

  10. One friend tried to warn me and I didn’t listen because she couldn’t really articulate what it was about him, but I still hear her voice, “He will make your life hard.”

  11. Z,

    … and that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

  12. A Pin! They have this wonderful clay stuff with lots of colors and very little mess that I think you can bake in the oven!

    I think Jenny should be hired to make it.

    All in favor, say “AYE”! :)

  13. Donna,

    AYE! We have some of that polymer clay. Great idea!

    That’ll be on tomorrow’s school list.

  14. My mother is probably a narcissist–or has BPD or something similar. And the very worst part of it, for my entire life, has been not being believed. She’s charming and extraverted and pretty and was a school volunteer, so all my friends knew her “well” when I was a child.

    Some people believe me up to a point, but most often, people smile and shake their heads and say “oh, mothers and daughters!” dismissively.

    After every therapist I ever had asked me who was the alcoholic in my family, I gave up and went to a 12-step meeting for families of alcoholics, even though no one in my family drinks more than once a month and not enough to get drunk. But I found an awful lot of commonalities with the group and ever since then (more than a decade ago) when I really need someone who believes me I turn to my 12-step friends.

    It really is a relief.

  15. Lucy,

    That is such an intriguing point. Thanks for sharing.

    There is nothing quite like finding another who understands.

    Dr. Karyl McBride wrote an excellent book about daughters of narcissistic mothers titled, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

  16. Will I ever be good enough? The question I asked every morning during my childhood years. Although you know the answer is “NO!”, your one goal throughout the day is to accomplish it. I will hear the words….”I’m proud of you, I am proud of who you are becoming.” Only to go to bed once more in total disappointment. Fail again!

    The world is still convinced that my parents are fabulous…..except for the survivors.

    Did you ever make the pins?

  17. Steph,

    I recommend a book by Dr. Karyl McBride: Will I Ever Be Good Enough – Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

    Jenny and I have been working on the pin. I’m excited about her ideas. We’re hoping to complete something once school is finished for the year. We’ve been Googling the healing properties of metals and gems. We want the pin to represent strength, peace and endurance – all the qualities that survivors possess.

  18. Oh god, it is so relieving that others have experienced this. My husband is so sweet and charming, and self deprecating that people always believe that I am the one to blame. Over our ten year relationship, he abandoned me in chicago (not at all familiar, and far from home) after an event we attended with no warning, at night (I have a great deal of trouble driving at night) alone to drive home, so that he could spend the weekend playing with friends.

    He left me in the hospital alone after delivering his youngest child without even calling to see how my surgery went, because I asked him to go home and check on the other three kids. It seems he wanted to stay at the hospital and get the atta boy daddys.

    When I was released from the hospital he drove me home then left me alone with 4 kids (one a newborn), surgical wounds, and no phone, so he could attend a concert with his friends. He was gone for two days.

    When I was put on a medication that caused me to be unconscious at night he actually raped me in my sleep then lied about it until I presented proof…

    I got him to get help by threatening to leave if he didn’t. It didn’t work at first, until I actually left then he pretended that he was going to kill himself in front of the kids, and was admitted.

    Once admitted, he raged and lashed out, actually hurting one of the nurses and had to be placed in restraints.

    He was diagnosed at that time with BPD and NPD.

    He came home, then started going to therapy to appease me.

    His therapist said that he doesn’t have PD, he is just depressed because I manipulate and abuse him…

    I feel so alone.

  19. Brooke,

    I’m sorry you feel so alone.

    I hope that you have read some things that show you the common patterns that narcissistic behavior follows. Narcissists want you to be isolated. They want you to look like the cause of the problems. They want to appear as if they are infallible.

    It is all crazy making. It takes strength and determination to continue to believe that you are not the crazy one. Many times it helps when you find others who have felt like they were the one who was crazy. It may take awhile to find someone close to you who will believe you. There are many sites on line full of people who have experienced what you are going through. Those people believe you. They understand.

    They know that a narcissist will show you their civil/polite/charming side when they feel like they could be losing you. That polite side never lasts.

    Many counselors are charmed by narcissists. They are quick to blame the narcissist’s spouse. I hope you continue to search for a counselor who is wise to narcissism.

    You are not alone, Brooke.

    Sending hugs to you and your children.

  20. Brooke, you are not alone. We get it. Keep talking, it helps. xx