Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

I can’t sleep — again.  Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better.  Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to.  I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life.  A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing.  It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory –  it’s not an original theory.  It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul.  Some call the hole a void or an injury.  I don’t like “injury”.  It’s too dramatic.  “Injury” leads to the word “victim”.  I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim.  It sounds helpless and hopeless.

Our hole is brought about by not having our needs met in childhood.  A child who is physically abused has a cavernous hole.  A child who has parents that are wrapped up in their  careers has an equally cavernous hole, but for different reasons.  Some holes are smaller.  Maybe you had a decent parent that tried to make up for what the other parent lacked.

Everyday, we are motivated to get out of bed to fill our holes.  For some, the hole is so big, they don’t know where to start and they can’t seem to get out of bed.  For a lot of us, the hole is manageable.  We can function and lead relatively healthy lives, but there’s always a craving that nags us, just below the surface.

This explains how we all have different addictions.

If we can’t find a healthy way to fill the hole, then we gamble, drink, do drugs, shop, play games on the computer all day, run marathons, work out for two hours after work, or expect our partner to fill our hole.  None of these things fill the hole.  They distract us from feeling the hole.  It may seem like running marathons is a lot healthier than gambling, and of course it is.  But marathoning is still an addiction that masquerades a real underlying problem.

Sometimes we unintentionally make our holes bigger.  In an effort to fill the hole, we desperately reach out to our partner to get them to help us.  They are busy filling their own holes.  They can’t handle the pressure of filling an additional hole.  They might try to help us, but they can’t be there all the time.  Then we feel rejected, and our hole gets bigger.

Narcissists have really, really big holes in their souls.   Narcissists are insatiable.  They suck every bit of energy out of you in an attempt to fill their own hole.

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I’m reading an insightful book by Dr. Karyl McBride called “Will I Ever Be Good Enough.”  She also refers to the hole that is left by a lack of love in a child’s life.  She gives some great tools for learning how to fill that hole on your own.

Before you pick up the shovel and start trying to fill that hole, you need to figure out how it got there.  If you don’t understand the cause, then you might not be filling it with the right stuff.

Why have you found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist?  In my case, I had spent my young years hoping that if I was good enough, if I was pretty enough, if I helped enough, then I might earn the love I so desperately needed.  Because that behavior was my version of normal, it stands to reason that I would expect to have to do the same to get love from a partner.  It hadn’t occurred to me until very recently that I might be loved for who I am,  not what I could do for someone.

I’m going to attempt to fill my hole from the inside.  I’m not going to look to others  – a parent, a partner, or my kids.  And I’m not going to look at substances (red wine) or stuff (I hate shopping) or excessive exercise (that’s funny) to fill the hole, either.  Besides, if I can learn to fill that hole with love that generates from within, I’ll have a never-ending source.  And maybe, just maybe, I can get to the point where the hole is filled up and it stays that way.