Surviving NarcissismLife After a Narcissistic Relationship

My brother has these big, chocolate brown eyes and when he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else.  His gaze is warm and welcoming.  He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated. Rather, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted.  My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dog’s name, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball.  He can be intense – in a good way.  You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.

People often tell me things that they normally wouldn’t mention in casual conversation. (I have the same brown eyes, and the same intensity as my brother, but I’m the first born, so I’m not as gregarious.)  I do thrive on conversation with others, even strangers.  I get energized from connecting with people.

Okay, I will admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled.  I know, I’m supposed to do that from within.

My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll find a clerk.  Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …

As we are walking out of Target with our new widget, my kids will say, “Do you know her?”  And I’ll say, “Nope.”  And they’ll look at each other and shake their heads.  I think that’s why they don’t like shopping.  I can’t get out of the store without hearing some person’s life story.  But I love that.

I love connecting with people.  I am interested in what goes on in other lives.  I’m not nosey.  I don’t even have to ask a leading question.  The stuff just pours out of them, when they feel someone cares and is interested.  It’s a function of being accepted and listened to.  We all crave that.

The deepest hunger of the human soul is to be understood.  The deepest hunger of the human body is for air.  If you can listen to another person, in depth, until they feel understood, it’s the equivalent of giving them air.

…from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Have you ever been listened to, understood, or even heard by a narcissist?  I doubt it.  Narcissists will make eye contact.  And they will look like they might be listening to you.  But, you can tell, from their eyes, that they aren’t listening.  Their brain is churning with all the things relating to them, the things about them, the things pertaining to them.

When you connect with someone who cares, you can feel it.  You actually feel warmth.  You feel like you matter.

The narcissist is busily figuring how they can manipulate you, or how they can turn the conversation into something about them.  After a “conversation” with a narcissist you feel drained and empty.  You feel as though you would have been better understood had you been talking to a wall.

Have you also noticed that when you are conversing with a narcissist, they don’t respond specifically to what you say?  They can’t seem to stay on a topic.  They are hard to follow.  That’s because they aren’t listening.  They’ll even ask you a question, to be polite, and after you answer, they’ll say something like, “I didn’t hear what you just said because I was thinking about something else.”  And then they won’t ask you to repeat the answer.

You can’t connect with a narcissist.  But many of us find ourselves clinging to that relationship thinking that one day we will find a way to establish that connection.  If we just worked a little harder; dressed a little better; said the right thing, maybe we’d actually get through to them.  It can’t be done.

You cannot connect with a narcissist.