Surviving NarcissismLife After a Narcissistic Relationship

I went skiing with Jenny and Will  It snowed all day, and it wasn’t too cold.  We all skied like we could be Olympic contenders.  Okay, that’s a stretch.  But Will could be a contender.  I’m proud of both of them.  We laughed, inhaled fresh mountain air, and got that really good tired.  Then we came home and made killer fajitas, sat by the fire and watched awesome athletes compete on T.V.  It was a stellar day.  Why am I so agitated?

In the last few days, I’ve gotten an email from a woman who is agonizing over the chaos in her daughter’s life.  Her daughter divorced a narcissistic man five years ago, and this man is still making her daughter’s life a living hell.  I’ve gotten an email from another woman, who found the courage to leave her narcissistic husband, but she doubts her decision on a daily basis, because this man continually tells her that she’s making a monumental mistake.  I’ve gotten emails from yet another woman, who finds it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.  She has been beaten down by the drudgery of a life lived with a man who can love only himself.

I’m agitated because I can’t do anything to help these women.  And at the same time, I can’t sit by my fire, sip a cold beer with my feet up and feel that all is right in the world.    Who am I kidding?  It’s not like I’m the Erin Brockovich for all the women wronged by narcissistic men.  (Somewhere in this blog, I have got to make the point that there are narcissistic women out there.  But right now, I’m just speaking for the women I’ve heard from, who have had relationships with narcissistic men.)  Why don’t I just ride off into the sunset and enjoy my contentedness?  Why don’t I just focus my energies on raising my kids, and establishing those necessary, healthy boundaries between my kids and their dad?

I know what it’s like to resign myself to a crappy relationship.  I know what it’s like to tell myself that this is the best it can be — that this is happy.  I know what it’s like to think that this might be what I deserve.  I know the struggle to get out of bed.  I’ve faked happiness for my family and friends, and even myself.  I’ve put on the pleasant face, because no one would believe me if I told them that this seemingly perfect man was anything but.  I also know that no one can tell you when it is time to make a change.  No one can fix it for you.  No one knows exactly what is going on in your home, your heart and your mind.

But I can tell you what it is like on the other side.  I can tell you that there are so many more good days.  I can tell you what peace feels like.  Peace feels like a hot cup of tea and a warm cat on your lap.  Peace smells like the lingering scent of spaghetti sauce after dinner with happy, contented children.  Peace is the knowledge that I am a good, kind, caring person — just the way I am.  I can’t keep my mouth shut and not try to help because I KNOW what it is like on the other side.  It is not scarier than where I was.  It is so much better.  Simply put, it feels better.  It is a tangible thing, in my very core.   In my marriage, there was this ever-present burning in my gut.  Whenever I’d feel the burning, I’d picture that corrosive gunk on the spark plugs under the hood of my car.  I’d have sworn that I had that same corrosive gunk inside me, slowly eating away at me.  And as it consumed me, I’d lose my energy and my spark, and finally myself.

I guess I’m agitated and pissed off because I know that it doesn’t have to be this way for these women that I’m hearing from.  How do we find an attorney that understands the caginess of a narcissist in a court of law?  How do we educate ourselves about the conniving ways that narcissists can manipulate us, and get us to change our minds about what is so necessary to our very survival?  How can we help each other through the scary process of leaving a narcissist?

I’ve been following ‘The Art of Non-Conformity”, an interesting blog by Chris Guillebeau.  Check out his Feb. 8th post on key-dropping and empowerment.  I’ve been trying to drop some keys.  I know that if a bunch of us dropped a bunch of keys, a bunch of us could be helped immensely.  I want to hear your comments.  If you aren’t comfortable  having the whole world see them, just let me know that you want to remain private, and I won’t publish your name.  Please share your thoughts.  Please consider dropping your keys in the comment box at the bottom of this post.