We are not going anywhere tonight. No one is coming over. I’m going to cook a simple dinner. We have planned not to make plans.
Isn’t that how it is?
You plan not to do something so as to focus on what is at hand. Then, life gets in the way, and once again, you are afforded the opportunity to avoid what really needs to be addressed. And you are so thankful for that bump in the schedule, because you would give anything to keep from handling the real life stuff.
I see it all the time with my kids.
The light is blinking on the answering machine. In fact the light blinks on the four phones around the house. Uniden, the company that made our cordless phone, probably thought that was a great feature — a selling point. “Our phone will conveniently remind you when you have an urgent message that needs to be answered.” It’s enough to pretend that Mark didn’t call. We don’t need the phone to continually blink its little red light to nag us about calling him back.
We know.
So Jen and Will distract themselves with another half hour of ‘iCarly’, or another game of Uno, or a trip to the fridge, or an email to grandpa. And the distractions are a handy way of avoiding that unpleasant task.
The bummer is in the fact that after the distraction has been enjoyed, eaten, or watched, the task is still there — flashing its red light at us.
I can be overwhelmed by what is required to complete a task, and at those times it serves me well to avoid it until I have the energy to cross that task off the list. I might have a more pleasant voice on the phone, if I wait until I can summon the strength to make the call. If I give myself a break for a bit, maybe I can tackle that project with a clearer vision.
We all need distractions to spice things up a bit. The bright spots are what make life sweet.
The planned dinners with friends, and the unplanned company that shows up with a bottle of wine — these are the blips in the routine of normal life.
It can get pretty dull without the blips.
We have had a bunch of fun distractions recently. We’ve gone out to dinner, gone skiing, had friends over for dinner, watched the Olympics, and had even more company. During all this social activity, it has been nice for our brains to not have to deal with some unpleasant realities.
Distractions come to an end. Thank goodness they do end, because we are all tired from all the fun. When they end, it’s even more exhausting to wake up and realize that you still have that unpleasant task to tackle. The sink is still clogged, the taxes are still due, the phone calls need to be returned, and the laundry won’t fold and put itself away.
More importantly, we rely on distractions to help us survive the day-to-day of a lousy relationship. We look to food to distract us. We look to wine, or shopping, or an affair. The distractions fill the hole. But if we don’t address the difficult stuff, all the distractions in the world can’t help.
The distractions may help to pass the time, but after the great vacation, fun day at the ski hill, or the late night with friends, the relationship is still there… with red lights flashing.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, love, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, proactive, survive
