This is a difficult post to write because it brings back so many feelings of inadequacy. Phyllis sent the following comment, and I feel compelled to respond in this post.
“My husband emailed me last night. He is planning to start the divorce after finishing the 2009 taxes. He still “loves me.” Yeah right!”
This comment clearly illustrates the confusing nature of a relationship with a narcissist. In one breath he says, “I’m filing for a divorce.” In the next breath, hell in the same breath, he says, “I love you.”
This only makes sense to a narcissist.
When I was married, it wasn’t unusual for Mark to give me extra money for groceries, clothes for the kids, or something for the house. I did have my own checking account, and most of the groceries, kid stuff, and decorating things came out of my account.
It was understood, however, that I should not go out and spend extravagantly. I would have to explain the purchase of a new CD or a book, or the occasional box of chocolate.
Somewhere during the time that we were going to the marriage counselor, he came home from work and handed me a check. I put the check in my stack of paperwork, and figured I’d deposit it the next time I went to the bank.
Later that day, I got to shuffling through papers, and I glanced at the check, and gasped. Of course this must be some kind of mistake. I walked up to Mark with the check in my hand, and said, “Honey, this must be a mistake. You can’t have meant to give me a check for this much money.” He calmly looked at me and said, “I figured you’d need something for a down payment on an apartment, when you decide to move out.”
My world started spinning and a million questions ran through my head.
I thought we were working on this?
Is he kicking me out?
How can he actually kick his wife and kids out of his house?
How is it that he knows this is over, yet he’s still going to counseling?
How did he decide on such a large amount?
Do I cash this check and run with it?
How did I marry such an asshole?
At this point, we were going to counseling; he was still telling me he loved me; and he was offering to move us out and pay our first month’s rent on an apartment.
I felt I was drowning in mixed messages.
I’ve since read a lot about how narcissists quickly discard those they love.
Once they learn that their source is no longer interested in being a source, they are quick to move on and find a new victim source.
By handing me the check, he was attempting to get me out of the picture, so he could find someone new. But, he continued to tell me he loved me so as to keep the door open. I could come to my senses, realize that he was the best thing that ever happened to me; and make the choice to continue playing the role of source.