Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’.  Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists.  We all give things lip service.  “I’d love to meet you for lunch.”  “Love that new haircut.”  “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.”  “Your new boyfriend is very charming.”

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Mark was dying to see the kids when we returned from vacation.  He has since tried to see them every stinkin’ day.  We have not received any sort of formal wrap-up from the counselor on where we are headed in terms of how all parties might try to better get along. The kids are acting like, “Whoa!  Hold on a minute.  What has changed?  Why so many visits, so soon?”  Is it silly to even expect a wrap-up from the counselor?  I’m still not real sure what we were trying to accomplish with the counseling sessions.  I get the feeling that Mark was making a show of working on things.  He now thinks that we are believing that he is working on things.

Cross that off the list.

Resume regular visits.

Huh?

The first day he saw them, he took them for ice cream and then to the park.  Will called from the park and asked what time they needed to be home.  I said, “As long as you are all having a good time, you can stay as long as you like.”

The next call I got was from Will.  He was locked inside the bathroom at his dad’s house.  “Mom!  I didn’t know we were going out to dad’s.”  I felt the plates begin to rattle.  I took a breath and said, “I didn’t know you were going to dad’s either.  Let me talk to him.  WAIT!  Don’t hand my phone to dad, he’ll get mad that you have my phone.  I’ll call him and ask where you are and what the plan is.”

I called immediately and asked him if he could tell me what he had planned for the rest of the visit.  “Will needed to use the bathroom, so we came out to my house.”  His house is 20 minutes from town.  I have to imagine the Dairy Queen had a restroom.  “Why didn’t you feel it was necessary to tell me, or the kids, that you were heading out to your house?”

“We always do what Jen and Will want to do.  Today I wanted to take them to my house.”

Note to self:  Remember that you are dealing with a 6 year old.

He said, “If you saw them right now, you’d see Jen picking flowers and Will shooting hoops.  They are happy and content here at my house.  The counselor said that part of the parental alienation is that they feel that they need to be loyal to you.  They don’t feel comfortable telling you that they are having fun with me.  They feel they are betraying you if they have a good time with me.  That’s why they always tell you that they don’t have fun with me.”

I can see that.  I know how tight the three of us are.  I can see them not wanting to hurt my feelings by telling me that they’ve had a great time with their dad.  However, each and every time they do something with their dad, I eagerly listen to how the visit went.  I ask questions with a smile on my face, an open heart and a relaxed demeanor.  I’m not scowling, with my arms folded across my chest, waiting to roll my eyes at the slightest suggestion of fun to be had with dad.  On the contrary, I encourage them to tell me the good stuff, the fun, the ice cream stories, the football passes, the Candyland games.

Of course Mark doesn’t believe this.

I asked him if he had made plans for dinner.  “It would be considerate of you to tell me (and the kids) that you are taking them out to your house.  It would be considerate to ask if I have made plans for dinner.”

“I would love to have them stay for dinner!”

I steadied my plates and said, “Did you ask them if they want to stay for dinner?”

“Here, I’ll ask them now.”  And he shouted to Will and said, “Hey, Buddy, wanna stay for dinner?  Mom doesn’t have any plans.”

I asked to talk to Will.  On the outside chance that Will might think he’s betraying me by staying at his dad’s for dinner, I started by saying, “Will, it is absolutely fine with me if you want to stay at your dad’s for dinner.  And if the three of you are enjoying each other’s company, I think it’s a good idea.  Remember, we are all trying at making this work.”  He hesitated and said, “I don’t really want to stay any longer, since I didn’t know we were  coming out here to begin with.”  (Will likes to know the plan.)  I suggested that he stay and see how things go.

It went okay.  No one cried.  No one played the martyr.  But, it’s not like the kids can hardly sleep because they can’t wait for the next visit.

It’ll take some time.

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There have been plenty of visits since we returned.  They aren’t all sunshine and roses.  But they aren’t grey skies and crab grass either.  It’s more like partly cloudy and marigolds.  (Marigolds are pretty but they don’t smell so great.)

We presented Mark with our version of a workable visitation schedule.  The kids agreed on Tues./Thurs. with phone calls the other three days of the week, and an occasional weekend day if he has something fun planned.  (We were throwing him a bone by including the phone calls.)  He came back with Mon./Wed. and a full weekend day and sleepovers when the kids are ready.  He wants to be with them the better part of the visitation days, so that it’s not just three hours at the park.

I can see that.

Of course the kids can’t see that.

We came back with Mon/Wed, noon – eight.  We’ll see how it goes, and when all parties are happy, we’ll take on a weekend day.  The kids are not to a point where they even want to talk about sleepovers yet.  Way too soon.

He agreed to Mon/Wed, and said he wants to be involved in their homeschooling, too.  They balked at that.  I think it’s a great idea for him to see what they do.  Prior to this point he hasn’t asked to see anything.  We talked that he could come earlier on this first Monday to see how we do learning.  He said he was excited to see that.

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One of my girlfriends said, “I’ll give him two 8-hour days, and I bet he’s done.”

Another said, “I’ll give him two weeks.”

Grandpa said, “Stick to your guns, and the schedule.  He’ll burn out fast and decide it’s more work to get their sourcing than it’s worth.”

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Mark ‘forgot’ about coming early yesterday to get familiar with the homeschooling process.  He was done with his first visit by 7 o’clock.  When he dropped them off he said, “Hey, if the weather isn’t good for golfing on Tuesday, I’d be willing to skip the Wednesday visit so Will can golf.