You can’t stand that sound anymore. It’s driving you crazy. The car has been making a noise – a thudda-thudda-ping sound. It’s been making that sound for awhile. The kids hear it over their arguments about which radio station to tune in. Your mom has heard it when you take her to lunch. The guy at the gas station has heard it. The neighbors heard it.
So you take it to a mechanic. He drives it around the block and says, “Ma’am, cars make noises. You can’t drive a car and not expect it to make a noise. I’m the expert, I know how cars sound. Your car is fine. This is what you should expect. Here are your keys.”
You start to say, “But, no, really. I can hear it. It sounds like this. It’s making that sound all the time. You really don’t know. You have to hear it.”
He loses patience and says, “Ma’am, cars are noisy. Have a good day.”
You get back in the car, and it makes the thudda-thudda-ping sound again, as you drove away in search of a new mechanic.
__________
I took my mess to an attorney yesterday.
The attorney asked if I was aware that my ex is entitled to visitations with his kids. She asked if I was preventing those visits. She asked if I’d had my kids in for counseling. She asked if I’ve tried talking to Mark, and explaining that we could avoid court costs by working on a fair parenting schedule. She dismissed my concerns that Mark really only wants his monthly expenses reduced under the guise of wanting to spend more time with the kids. She told me what her experience has taught her.
I want to pay for experience and knowledge. Those questions are what I should expect an expert to ask. I would also expect an expert to listen to what I have to say. I would expect a professional to want to know just what they are dealing with.
Wouldn’t any expert want all available tools, information and background at their disposal, before dispensing advice?
(A friend called a friend in the ‘biz’ to get a recommendation for another attorney. She came up with a name but also said, “Attorneys don’t like handling divorces. There’s too much drama.” Who can blame them. But in this case, the drama gives clues as to how to better handle the case.)
I would start to answer the attorney’s questions, but I couldn’t explain what the answers were without giving her some history. She’d get impatient, and start talking in the ‘I’ll-be-the-expert-here’ voice. I ended up sounding like the dithering idiot who didn’t complete her homework, showed up late for class, and forgot there was going to be a midterm exam.
I never lead with the ‘NPD’ card – not with acquaintances, and certainly not with professionals. I’ve found it best to build a bit of a relationship first. Let a person see that I have a modicum of intelligence before I spring the whole narcissism thing on them. I try to establish a little credibility before I take them to the dark side.
By the end of my meeting with this new attorney, I was feeling desperate. I looked at her and said, “I need to give you a little more background. Are you familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?”
She looked at me with eyes that said, “Oh, no… She’s not just a run-of-the-mill bitter ex-wife. She’s one of those conspiracy theorists with a larder stocked full of rice and beans in anticipation of 2012, and her own personal story of a close encounter at the base of Devil’s Tower. Here we go….”
She cut me off and said, “Certainly, I’ve heard of narcissism, but I really don’t have time for this.”
__________
The attorney has probably built a successful career dealing rationally with rational folks in seemingly irrational situations. I would guess she’s good at applying linear thinking to each and every case. She has years of experience and sees patterns that tell her that if Party A does this, Party B is going to do that.
None of this works when dealing with a narcissist.
I’m not crazy.
I need a mechanic who can hear the thudda thudda ping.
I also need an attorney who will take me, and NPD, seriously.
*Please do not send me hate mail if you are a conspiracy theorist, you are concerned about 2012, or you have been abducted by aliens. I’m not calling you ‘crazy’. I’m writing out of frustration and desperation, and I don’t have the patience for being politically correct.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD
I know there’s somebody out there. Keep looking.
What I am so amazed at is my experiences in dealing with my husband can be soooooooo similar to someone else’s. A complete stranger! The common denominator is that we are all dealing with an NPD person. This is so unbelievable, and actually so common. I am learning so much by reading your posts. Why is it then, that when something like this is so very common, that I can talk to a stranger and If her mother is one, or she’s married to one, she can finish my sentences after just 30 minutes and give advice that my gut tells me is very sound and from experience, but I can go to a counselor who says she’s very familiar with NPD and pay her $150 an hour and my husband and I can have approx 4 hrs a week with her for months now (separate and together) and she STILL has a hard time seeing the ill-intent and still isn’t sure if it’s NPD or something else!? This is exhausting. I remember when someone told me yrs ago that he sounded controlling. I thought they were so off base. This journey is so tiring and I have so many more years to go. Sometimes I feel I just can’t do this and reading here, I can see how common it is for people to just not “get it”. Only someone who has experienced this personally gets it right off the bat.
Oh, and I am one of those who stocks grain. I’m not offended in the least. It’s so much cheaper to buy it bulk!
Pat,
Oh… I will. Thanks for all your googling and searching.
love you
Hi Mia,
Hey… you have way more mouths to feed than I do. If I were you, I’d be stocking grain and canned goods, and probably whiskey, too.
I remember when I first started reading about narcissism, it felt like I’d landed on a planet where the inhabitants spoke the same language that I’d been speaking. And then when I re-connected (because I wasn’t really allowed to maintain relationships) with girlfriends who were in lousy relationships or were divorced, they’d comment on being surprised that I was separated. I’d recognize this look in their eyes, this desperate look that said they were hungry to be understood. I’d take a risk and say, “Ah… I’ve been reading about this thing called NPD, and ….” Before I could finish my sentence they’d say, “NO! Is that your ex? That’s mine! That’s what I’m dealing with.” And there would be this palpable flood of emotion because we both new EXACTLY what the other had been through. I can’t find the word to describe the feeling that I still get, when I meet someone or connect with another who KNOWS NPD.
To this day, I still marvel at how prevalent NPD is, and yet the ‘professional’ community still seems to be in the dark about the evil manipulative power of a narcissist.
I just had a thought…(I LOVE it when that happens!)
I would contact M. Scott Peck and see if he can recommend someone who understands what you are going thru. He has had experience. He has done the research. He has the compassion.
OMG! I just did a search for him so I could include a link to his site, and discovered that he made his transition in 2005.
Ok, next suggestion: find another expert on NPD. Someone who has written a book. Contact them and ask them for referrals. It doesn’t even have to be for an attorney: ask about people they know who may work in the public sector and have had experience with NPD. It might take some time, but it would be nice to have someone in your corner who does know what the deal is.
That attorney sounds like she was diagnosed with NPD!
Donna,
And I love when you share your thoughts on here!
In re: the attorney and NPD… I’m telling ya (although, you already know, full well) this NPD stuff is pervasive.
Thanks for the excellent suggestions. On Twitter I follow Sarah Tate who wrote about her experiences – just bought her book, “Web of Lies – My Life With A Narcissist”. I also follow Joe Navarro, an interesting fellow who is an expert in non-verbal communication and has written several books including one on borderline personalities.
Pat has been sending me some excellent links on lawyers and personality disorders – not necessarily lawyers who HAVE personality disorders, but how disorders are dealt with in a court of law.
I loved how you said, “he (M. Scott Peck) made his transition in 2005.” I’ve never heard it put that way before.
Mia,
I beg your pardon. I was thinking of you this morning, and realized you actually have NINE mouths to feed. Isn’t that right?
So I’m sending virtual bushels of grain, cases of canned goods and a good bottle of red, unless, of course, you don’t particularly like wine. In that case, I’ll keep the virtual bottle for myself and send you a virtual strawberry milk shake. Phyllis, a somewhat regular visitor to this site, highly recommends milk shakes.
Enjoy your weekend.
Donna, I know M. Scott Peck, but I’m a couple of crayons short in my box of NPD knowledge . . . well, maybe I actually have only a couple of crayons IN the box . . . whatever . . . what do you mean when you say Peck “made his transition”?
Pat,
I’m sure Donna won’t mind if I answer for her. “Made his transition” means he passed away.
Nice way to put it, dontcha think?
Unfortunately, that’s not a direct reference to NPD. ;)
It’s a PERFECT way to put it.
Hiya Pat!
Fortunately, Jesse is a genius, and she was right….it does mean he died.
I do like saying it that way. It means to me that life continues on and on and on…..
I highly doubt you are short of knowledge in anything!
Blessings to you and yours.
Oh, Donna, there’s SO much I don’t know. I LOVE the phrase “making the transition.” It so perfectly says what I believe also. Although I’ve always just said “he died.” Because to me that’s what the BODY does. But I know, without a doubt, the spirit within us does live on, and on, and on.
Jesse,
I’ve found in my very limited experience in working with counselors that there seem to be some who are aware that personality disorders are VERY prevalent and then there are others who think there are very few people in the world with personality disorders. It makes sense that others who deal with families (ie. doctors, lawyers, etc.) would have the same either or sense about them.
And yes I believe as Mia pointed out…if you’ve been through it you recognize it almost instantly. But…trying to explain it to others is like speaking a different language. And is very frustrating.
Hang in there….I think you’re on the right path for what you need to do. And I’ve learned so much interacting with you and all the thrivers here :) Just because the issues we’ve dealt with aren’t easily understood by professionals doesn’t give them the right to dismiss us.
Donna that is awesome advice and if I have to fight a legal battle with my N I’ll be following it!
Jenn,
Getting the word out there and shedding more light on NPD is why I am here. Kids should not have to deal with this.
Thanks for being here, too.