She was standing in the rice and beans aisle in the grocery store. She’d forgotten her list. She knew she needed some sort of rice or pasta or beans or some such.
All she could think about was buying a pack of cigarettes.
She wouldn’t smoke the whole pack. She wanted to taste one single cigarette – not even the whole thing – one deep, long drag. She stood there arguing with herself. The first thing the surgeon said when she came to, after heart surgery six weeks ago was, “Listen, if you want this to work – if you don’t want to see me again – you MUST quit smoking.”
For the first few weeks, she had no desire. Every single thought in her head was consumed with the act of survival. All she could do was breathe and let her body heal. She barely gave cigarettes a thought. Who was she kidding? She thought of them, but not with the desperation that she’d expected.
Now, on her first solo shopping trip, six long weeks after surgery, she was consumed with the prospect of buying and smoking one delicious, long. slender best friend.
…
“What kind of beans do you use for making ham and bean soup?” The voice came again, “Excuse me? I’ve never made ham and bean soup. I’ve no idea what kind of beans to use. Do you ever make soup?”
She turned to look at the voice, and all she could think was, “Lady, I don’t care about ham and bean soup. I don’t care about beans. Can’t you see what I’ve been through? Don’t you know I haven’t had a cigarette in six weeks? There is nothing else going on in the world right now except for my overpowering, single-minded desire to have a cigarette.”
But instead she tried to smile and uttered, “I always use navy beans. But I’m not sure it really matters.” She turned back to the pasta, rice, and beans. She tried to collect her thoughts.
The voice said, “Is it possible that I could use lima beans? Do lima beans work in ham and bean soup?”
“Sure, I suppose… yes. You could probably make ham and bean with limas. I’m sure any bean will do fine.” She reached for something, hoping the act of making a selection would get the woman to stop chatting.
The woman was on a mission. “You see, my dear friend’s wife just died of lung cancer. Poor man. His wife did all the cooking. He’s at a complete loss. He doesn’t know a sauce pan from a fry pan. I’m not sure he knows how to boil water. He told me he’d been craving ham and bean soup. I figured the least I could do, after all he’s been through, was to make him a pot of soup. They were married 45 years. He doesn’t know what he’ll do without her. My husband and I will try to see him as often as we can. He’s totally lost. Those damn cigarettes ruined her life and his life.” The woman turned to select a package of mixed beans, and she walked down the aisle.
She watched as the woman walked away.
She grabbed a package of lima beans.
She paid for the beans and drove home.
*true story
**happy (over-joyed, elated, delighted, proud) to report that ‘she’ is still NOT smoking.
* I thought it might be. Really well done.
Lovin the view from your window!
PS: Quit on May 2nd.
Don’t crave them or even think about them.
PSS: Metaphysically, lungs have to do with grief. I had some “stuff” triggered recently, and am coughing up “stuff”, interestingly enough.
So people smoke, or drink, or “TV”, or over-sex, or whatever to keep “stuff” stuffed down.
If you can just be honest about how you are feeling, that starts to dissipate the strong emotions and starts the healing.
Donna,
WOOOO HOOOO! I’m sure the Universe joins me in sending you a standing ovation on your choosing to quit.
Way-to-go!
Donna,
I can’t quit thinking about your comment.
I notice that some days I have this persistent cough. Wonder what I’m stuffing.
My friend has had a cough forever. Wonder what he’s stuffing.
Very interesting…
Beautiful story! I’m sure we overlook many distractions the Universe sends us when we’re caught up in any obsessive moment.
I had nightmares for years after I stopped smoking – my biggest fear was that I’d started again.
Xxx
Sandy,
Welcome and thanks for commenting.
Belated congrats for having quit. I’ve heard about those nightmares. What a relief when you wake and realize it’s a dream!
I’m amazed at how addiction leaves such a lasting imprint.
Love it! Congrats and thanks for showing that the universe CAN be trusted!
Hi Angel,
Thanks for commenting!
Sometimes I think the Universe has an incredible amount of patience with us – sending these messages repeatedly, only to see us walking around ignoring them all.
I don’t think we ignore them. I think we just don’t see or hear them at first.
Pat,
Personally, I have a LONG history of ignoring them.
See… http://survivingnarcissism.com/2010/10/08/what-was-i-thinking/.
I have read this post probably six times and every time I do, I sit here in a puddle… Your words… I am there in the aisle with them, I feel the cigarette, I can see the old man and his dear wife, your way of expressing everything. Plain and simple, this is what you are meant to do…
Annie,
Thanks, dear… and get well. Or is it, Be Well?
I feel left out when the Universe seems to talk to everyone but me (waaaaaaahhhh).
I just love your writing. As you know.
xo
Allison, Dahling,
I am speaking to you, Honey, through your people and the comments on your fine blog.
(She asked me to write that. ;)
First. congrats.
I quit when I was 28 and still have days that just ONE drag would seem really awesome.
And lungs are also connected to skin in some realms – (also kidney and liver). It’s all about getting rid of stuff.
I was a kid with a hacking cough, an often inability to speak without coughing and a chronic series of sore throats.
There was much of my story I wasn’t willing to own. I’m working on it.
Interestingly – the first 2 years after I quit I had the worst cough of my life.
Keep going.
I love your work and your ability to speak your truth. The cough will go away.
:)
And Allison – the Universe IS talking to you. right here. right now. ;)
(sorry to usurp in your comments Jesse!)
Hi Peggie!
Love your comment. Congrats on being a non-smoker.
As far as your comment to Allison, I don’t think of it as usurping, I think of it as contributing to the whole.
You are welcome any time!
p.s. The smoker in this post isn’t me. I have plenty of vices, but thankfully, smoking isn’t one of ’em. ;)
Cough, cough….hack!….cough…
My boss says…you didn’t take your allergy medicine, did ya? Doctors know EVERYTHING!