The leather gloves next to the stove, and the fire within, are the only indications of steady use. The wood stove is free of ashes, spent embers, bits of bark and any other signs of use, yet the fire roars continuously. The glass door is spotless as if he replaced it yesterday after he’d slammed the door too hard in a fit of anger and frustration.
It’s a difficult job keeping the fire stoked in an effort to heat the whole house and make sure his family sleeps warm in their beds. The house does not have a furnace.
As he sits in the broken rocking chair – the Throne of The Fire Tender – he contemplates the turns his life has taken. He ticks off the series of choices that led to his current position. Every winter night that he spends tending the fire, he has an opportunity to re-evaluate the decisions he made.
He validates some choices while picking apart others.
The list never changes.
If he manages to stay awake until 2:30, he can pile enough on to keep the fire going until 6:00 a.m.
He rocks his chair in between sweeping the hearth, and restocking the box of wood. The stove is meticulous because he takes pride in his work.
By midnight, he has completed the attacks on himself. He will have successfully beaten himself up for all the missed opportunities, the failed promises, the missteps. That leaves a little over two hours to cover the lengthy list of What Could Have Been.
He could have gone to technical school to be a Diesel Mechanic. He has a knack with machinery – an innate knowledge of what makes an engine run. His dad was quick to point out that you can’t get in to a trade school just because you have the money, you need to have the brains, too.
He could have taken the job with the benefits, the promise of a healthy future and longevity. But his dad laughed and said, “What the hell would make you think they’d hire you over any other kid in the state? What’s so great about what you have to offer?”
He might have been smart enough to stay on at the factory in the big city. He’d managed to find a niche for himself, was well-liked and performed the job well. Each time he called his dad to share the stories of his successes, his dad pointed out that blue collar work didn’t have a future and that he was wasting his time.
He vividly remembers the night – in his senior year of high school – they were sitting at the dinner table and he excitedly told his folks about the technical school he’d checked out in the town a couple hours away. He’d visited the school. He’d saved the money. He liked the course offerings in subjects where he had some talent. It wouldn’t cost his folks a dime. This was something he could do. He had it all mapped out.
They talked over meatloaf and baked potatoes.
He remembers pushing the peas around his plate with a fork as his dad delivered yet another lecture on how only smart kids go to school; only competent kids spend their money on an education. His dad said, “You’d do better to stay here working for me. You’re thinking like a fool.”
___________
It’s now 20 years later. He doesn’t have a career or an education. He doesn’t even have a job, unless you count the job he holds as Fire Tender. The pay sucks and the hours are long.
No matter how much wood he puts on the fire, it never generates enough heat to warm that spot on his back – the spot where his dad should have patted him on the shoulder and said, “You can do this son. I have faith in you. You can do or be anything.”
And so he tends the fire.
Tags: child of narcissist, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting
Last night I watched a fairly new production of “Where the Red Fern Grows.” It is such a lovely story of family strength and support through hard times – even tragedy. The boy in that story will never be a Fire Tender.
Dabney Coleman played the grandfather. It was so unlike other characters he plays, but he was a sweet, perfect grandfather!
That was great. Heart-wrenching, and so achingly sad, but totally real. Well done. You, my friend, have the talent. You are a very, very good writer.
Thanks for sharing.
Bruce
Pat,
We’ll have to check that out. Will loves that book.
Bruce,
Thank you, friend.
Wish I could say that it was fiction, but it turns out that I know the Fire Tender quite well. I wish I could have spared him the heartache.
Another thing to keep me awake at night.
Could you gently remind the Fire Tender that it’s never too late to do what he wants to do with his life? It’s hard to imagine how beaten down he must feel even now. It sounds like he has talked it over with you. If so, he appears to recognize where he is in his life – and that he COULD be somewhere else. It’s up to him.
I’m reading a book for book club about writing the story of your own life. If the current story is not something you’re happy with, then the author must write a new story – and LIVE IT! I hope the Fire Tender can write a new life story.
Pat,
Yes, over the years, I’ve attempted to support and encourage the Fire Tender. We are able to talk openly of his situation and his relationship with his father.
However, like you said, yourself, in a recent comment, we receive messages only when we are ready to hear them.
It is a mystery to me how the human spirit can be so deflated, defeated and beaten down.
There is a pattern that I see in the children who have a narcissistic parent:
If the child of a narcissist is removed from extended family, isolated from many friends or outside support, they struggle to make healthy choices. They are told what to do by the N parent, and they don’t develop tools to make choices. They don’t get an opportunity to try, fail or succeed, learn and try again. Everything they try to do is shot down. The Fire Tender makes strange choices. Even Will pointed out that it’s really not the Tender’s fault because he never learned how to make choices.
If the child of a narcissist has the opportunity to bond with an outside friend or extended family member – favorite uncle or grandparent or special aunt – that child has an additional lens for viewing the world. They see that others see them in a more positive light, even if their narcissistic parent does not. They make choices, and even if their dad thinks they are an idiot, their grandfather applauds their choice, or helps redirect them, if need be. They have an outside source who doesn’t judge them harshly.
It’s the fear of the harsh judgments that causes the paralysis and the inability to make any choices at all.
Excuse me for being so wordy. Can you tell I feel passionate about this topic?
“It’s the fear of the harsh judgments that causes the paralysis and the inability to make any choices at all.”
This is my oldest son. He is a Fire Tender and despite being away from the criticism now, it is hard to make the paralysis go away. I hope that it is just like any neuropathy and is just taking it’s time to heal properly. :'(
Zaira,
The fear seems to run deeper in some than in others.
Hope that’s not the case with your son.
More than anything they want their dad to be proud of them! To support them in their choices! To say I am proud of you son! They yearn for that acceptance and it holds them back when they don’t get it. They believe when their dad says you don’t have what it takes for that job or that school. Even though they have others around them saying you can do it, go for it try it.
I always thought everyone wanted their kids to succeed, then I learned there are parents out there who seem to enjoy bringing their kids down and holding them back.
I always told my kids “They were the makers of their own destiny” .
The trick is getting them to see past the negative parent and moving on with the knowledge that if it makes them happy they have succeeded.
Kath,
That was a huge eye-opener for me. I didn’t realize it was possible to NOT want the best for your own child. That’s when narcissism really borders on evil.
I can’t begin to understand what goes through his mind that he’d want his own child to look bad in an effort to make himself look good.
So beautifully written! So very sad.
Excellent post. It is on the same topic as that posted today on another blog I follow titled “You Don’t Have to Dance For Them” – her post today is called “Enlightened Witness”. The blogger quotes another author:
“…the adult who has grown up without helping witnesses in his childhood needs the support of enlightened witnesses, people who have understood and recognized the consequences of child abuse. In an informed society, adolescents can learn to verbalize their truth and to discover themselves in their own story. They will not need to avenge themselves violently for their wounds, or to poison their systems with drugs, if they have the luck to talk to others about their early experiences, and succeed in grasping the naked truth of their own tragedy. To do this, they need assistance from persons aware of the dynamics of child abuse, who can help them address their feelings seriously, understand them and integrate them, as part of their own story, instead of avenging themselves on the innocent”
This was so “on point” that I had to share it.
Reese,
THANK YOU for sharing. I’m headed over to that site next.
Wow, Jesse. This is powerful. I’m taking a “mental health” afternoon off and the 2nd thing I did (first was sit in the sunshine and eat my lunch) was peruse through some of my favorite blogs. Yours was the first and I needed to hear this. It reminds me of a quote that my daughter sent me not long ago: “If you don’t like how things are, change it! You are not a tree.” (Jim Rohn) She knows me well. Thanks for sharing your gift with us.
Hey Peg!
I got chills reading your comment, first because I realized that I miss chatting with you, and second because your quote is so appropriate.
Thanks for sharing.
I’ll come and see you guys soon. ;)
Wow. Again I stand in awe of your talent!
I’m also a fire tender. Or at least I was. Inner child therapy helped a great deal, along with seminars.
The thing is, if he doesn’t move now, he will be in the same place 5, 10 or even 20 years from now. There are people and places that can offer emotional support, but there needs to be some initial steps on his part.
Also, we believe the dad is the bad guy here. I’m betting the cycle didn’t start with him, but his father, and his fathers father.
He needs to break the cycle.
The world needs him to break the cycle.
Tell him that he IS loved and that we are rooting for him.
Donna,
I can’t believe you were a Fire Tender. Look what you’ve done! Look where you are! Fantastic!
You are right in that it didn’t start with the dad. There is a history there.
People break cycles every day – when they are ready to break those cycles.
I’ll share your wise words with him.
Dear Jesse,
I found your blog and have been lurking through your archives. I found this post today, and I am writing with blurred vision from tears that won’t stop coming.
This is me. I have been stuck and paralyzed for so long. I went to law school and took on debt and and spent years in a career I hated and ultimately spit me out because I did not belong there. Struggling to fit where I don’t belong has been painful and a waste of time. The saddest part is that I was never going to be loved, he would never be proud of me.
As a result of being a fire tender, my finances and marriage are in a precarious state.
I think your words have broken something deep inside me. I must start the journey to be a parent to myself and warm the “spot on my back” myself.
Thank you for your words.
Dear Kay,
First of all, I’m giving you a warm hug and a tender pat on the back.
I’m glad you found us. There are some encouraging, compassionate folks here.
I have to tell you that I recently discovered that the pat on the back is always there, once I realized I needed to rely on myself for it.
When I came to that understanding, things opened up. There’s less hurt and resentment.
And you said it perfectly – be a parent to yourself. I don’t want to get all squishy and mushy on you, but it helps me to visualize my little girl self. Seriously. In my mind, I wrap my arms around her the same way I do my kids. I send encouraging thoughts back to her. It makes a difference, Kay, it really does.
Thanks for writing.
Stick around. ;)