Jenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on. (We’re working on that.) I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.
Last night was no different. And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.
Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:
“God. Do something with that hair.”
Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”
Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips? Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth. What’s your problem?”
I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…
“Give It A Rest!
Let this woman be.
Can’t you see she’s trying?
It’s the middle of the night! Can you let up on her for one minute? Why do you always have to find the negative? How about saying something kind, for a change?”
And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.
This is where it went…
- Stop those mean thoughts. Right now.
- Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
- If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
- Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
- Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
- Go for a walk.
- Smile at yourself.
- Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.
Question: Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman? Or are we all this mean to ourselves?
Tags: child of narcissist, humor, life, love, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting, survive
Lovely piece, Jesse. If challenging those negative, pessimistic, unhealthy, denigrating thoughts isn’t a daily (hourly?) task–I don’t know what is…Ugh!
Nice reframes–especially the Monster Spray:).
I wonder if it’s sold in California?
Have a lovely weekend:)
We’re all this mean to ourselves. The good news is, we can all stop!
Linda,
It could be that we all have to make our own concoction. ;)
Susan,
That fallback position is pretty ingrained. I hear my daughter saying stuff that she hears me say about myself.
Hate that.
That’s my biggest reason for stopping the mean voice.
It’s amazing how your insides reflect the outside even if you don’t change a thing. I tested this in the bars after my separation with a couple of friends that were also newly single. We had a lot of fun, loved the attention, but I knew it wasn’t sustainable…the going out. Now the loving myself, I maintain, but have to check myself every now and again because I am the harshest critic. Just yesterday I was contemplating the Whitestrips….
And now I’m crying… :)
Read this in the middle of an email to my BF about everything that’s wrong with me … though I can never understand why he doesn’t see it. So worn out from the beating I give myself.
Think maybe I’ll give him, and me, a break from the email. And the chatter and do something nice for myself instead.
Thank you.
Zaira,
I wish I had the confidence to go out. Maybe the Whitestrips would help.
Shannon,
Thanks for stopping by.
Sorry I made you cry.
Listen, if you really are going to do something nice for yourself, make it extra-special nice. ;)
Jesse
We are all this mean to ourselves! Thanks for the reminder to be as nice to myself as I am to my kids – except for when I use the mean voice. I really don’t like myself then!
Kate,
You know me – I don’t talk in Godspeak – but I have to wonder what God is thinking when he hears how hard we our on ourselves.
I think He said what you concluded in the middle of the night. How else are we to hear Him? When we hug ourselves is when He is smiling. Faith in Him gets me through, but I do believe whatever you may believe or call Him (God, Lord, Yahweh, Allah, mother nature, yourself, your gut) it is all the same. It is just hard to pay attention to that when we are busy cutting ourselves down.
Zaira,
I think you are right. After a difficult evening – last night – I woke with the comforting thought that I’m doing right by Jenny and Will.
Another message from Him/Her/Universe?
Funny how those messages come in the night – better than not at all. ;)
ITYS (I Told You So)
Pat,
I know. I know. ;)