The Making of a Passive-Aggressive

you-bore-me“Dad’s here!”  Instead of heading to the door to greet him, she ran to her bedroom to change her shirt.  As he walked into the living room, she came walking in from the hallway wearing a hand-me-down t-shirt.  She smiled up at Mark, and said, “Hi, Daddy!”

I don’t think he noticed her shirt.  If he did, he didn’t say anything.  If he did, he certainly wouldn’t have thought it applied to him.

After he left, I asked her why she’d decided to wear that shirt.  She stretched the shirt out in front of her so I could read it better.  She looked up at me and grinned.  She didn’t say anything.  She didn’t need to.

I didn’t discuss the appropriateness or inappropriateness of her choice.

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I won’t be surprised to see her pull out that shirt when he tells her, “She’s the cutest little squirt on the planet,” when what she wants to hear is that she’s smart and funny and talented and good at skiing or riding a bike or throwing a football.

I imagine she’ll reach for that shirt after she shows him her drawing of a unicorn and he tells her that the flanks of a horse don’t look like that, and then offers to show her how to correctly draw a horse.

She’ll probably wish she was wearing that shirt when he says, “Isn’t that silly that you have baskets hanging in that tree.  I didn’t know girls liked to climb trees.  Don’t get dirty.  Have you brushed your hair today?”

After she tells him of her latest art project – where she winds embroidery floss to make expressive faces – and he asks if she’ll make one of him, and make it the prettiest one of all, she’ll run to her bedroom, and pull the shirt out of the dirty-clothes basket.  She’ll walk out into the living room with sloped shoulders and sad eyes.  She’ll flop on the couch and start making an embroidery face of her dad, only she won’t enjoy the process.  She’ll complete it begrudgingly, and toss it in the closet, along with the other art projects and papers that her dad never asks to see.

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Do I tell her that it is destructive to be passive-aggressive in relationships?  Do I explain that she ought to find a healthier way to deal with her hurts, angers and disappointments?

Is it safe for me to assume that her adoption of this passive-aggressive stance is a form of self-protection?  Her attempts at expressing herself have always fallen on her dad’s deaf, disinterested ears.

Should she let those hurts bottle-up, only to have them come out in some self-destructive behaviors?

Is the wearing of the shirt akin to letting a bit of steam out of a pressure-cooker?

Is there an appropriate time to be passive-aggressive?  Do some situations warrant this approach to relating?

Do narcissistic parents raise passive-aggressive children?

Will she be passive-aggressive in all her relationships?  (Will is probably thinking he’d prefer a little passive-aggression instead of a full-on, stick-up-for herself, 50 pound  tempest!)

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On the evening of a recent Mark visit, when Jenny was wearing the shirt, we had been invited to dinner at Aunt Pat’s.  We were about to get in the car, and Jen said, “Wait!  I can’t wear this shirt to Aunt Pat’s.  That would be rude.  I’ll be out in a second.”

She knows what is appropriate and inappropriate.


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12 comments

  1. “Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict.”

    I think the shirt is Jen’s peaceful way of saying what she feels. If she said it out loud, that would be an explosive situation. With the shirt, she is expressing how she feels, without causing any conflict.
    I really think you are teaching her already that its not ok to be passive aggressive in a relationship, but it’s different when dealing with a parent.
    I love how she has decided to handle it!

  2. Kath,

    I love that quote! So appropriate.

    I’m encouraged by the fact that she’s coming up with some creative ways to deal with her dad.

    Thanks for commenting. I’ve missed you. ;)

  3. Is there any other way to handle a narcissist? My ex mother-in-law’s way of dealing with her son was to say nothing and let him think he was always right. It avoids conflict, but facilitates the progression of the disease. When I followed her advice for a while, I found myself believing that it was me that had to change, taking the blame for his behavior, and him loving that! It was when I stood up for myself, even passive-aggressively, that I found the courage to do what was best for me and my kids. I applaud Jenny for standing up for herself and expressing her true feelings even if it has to be through a tshirt.

  4. Zaira,

    I spent years saying nothing, and in the end, that seemed to contribute to the impenetrable fortress of the narcissist. When I finally spoke up, the reaction was often, “What’s the matter, I thought you were fine with all this?” Sure, I’d let him believe that for a long time. By the time I finally started using my voice – sticking up for myself – the ship had gone to far and there was no turning back.

    I see many passive-aggressive tendencies in myself – a counselor once told me that was how I’d managed to survive.

  5. We adapt to certain behaviors as to be comfortable in the moment, and to ultimately get through it. It is so true the observation the counselor made. It is like you were in survival mode. Being passive aggressive is a way to cope with the external conflict. I have done this also.

    I think Jen’s handling of the situation was great. She was able to convey a message to her dad without yelling it, screaming it, or being inappropriate. It really is not about her father getting the message in that moment, rather its a way for her to send a message w/o verbally having the same conversation. That in and of itself can be exhausting. It is her way of taking a stand I think. Her ability to understand what she is trying to say speaks volumes. You can be very proud of raising a daughter who clearly understands the difference between appropriate and inappropriate. She is definitely one smart cookie :)

  6. Kira,

    Thank you for this comment.

    I am so proud of both of them. It saddens me that they’ve had to grow up so quickly, but I know they’ve learned so many survival skills that will serve them their whole lives.

    I hadn’t thought of it being more about Jen being able to express herself. I see what you are saying, and that makes complete sense.
    I can’t wait to share the lesson in your comment with her.

    Thank you,

    Jesse

  7. I love the quote from Kath as well. Jenny is an amazing girl to distinguish so clearly between emotionally healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Kids are amazing at seeing through facades. She expressed herself in such an intelligent and really humorous way as well. Good for her.

    There is no easy way to deal with a narcissist. Expect anything, speak slowly and concisely, know your own boundaries and stick to them, and try to detach as much as possible from their actions and words. It is tough and painful.

    I am sorry for all the kids who have narcissists as parents. It is very hurtful.

    Peace and healing to all of you . . .

  8. Lynn,

    Thanks for writing. Your comment comes at a perfect time.

    Jen and Will are going with Mark tomorrow – to a town 3 hours away, to see another relative and spend the night. This is their first trip with him in quite awhile. It’s interesting to see where they are at this point. They know to be prepared for anything – as much as they can be. They find strength within themselves and with the company of each other.

    But still… I wouldn’t attempt to predict how it will go.

    Thank you for the encouraging words.

  9. Jesse,

    I will be praying for your kids and you over the weekend. I hope you have something planned for you that might ease your mind and spirit while they are with their dad.

    You are giving them incredible tools and skills by loving them as you do and by the example of your strength.

    Take care . . . Be well . . .

  10. Lynn,

    Thanks for the prayers – much appreciated! ;)

    They just drove off on this rainy, gray day. Will had been complaining of an upset stomach and Jen was close to tears.

    15 minutes before Mark arrived, I put some Darius Rucker on the CD player so we could dance, and get ourselves out of a funk.

    I reminded both of them that they are in control of their moods – they can decide to have fun – it’s not up to dad to make the fun.

    I think they were a mix of excited and apprehensive when they left.

    And yes, they have a cell phone!

    As for me, I cleaned the house with nervous energy, so there’s nothing left to do but work on the book. Yay!!

    Enjoy your weekend.