It turns out that he wasn’t wearing a Kevlar Vest after all.
She thought that was it. She thought that was the reason that she couldn’t get close to him.
She was mistaken.
__________
They met several more times on the playground, played some games that neither of them knew the rules for, and ate more strawberries.
When she asked him why she felt like it was hard to get close to him, he said he didn’t know. He said he’d never felt closer to anyone before her. He kept telling her that he had nothing to hide. He tried to convince her that there were no secrets.
He told her he loved her, and while the words sounded good, she couldn’t feel it.
She tried to explain that while, in her head, she knew he had said that he loved her, her heart couldn’t feel it. He munched on another strawberry and said, “I don’t know what I can do about that. There must be some reason why you don’t feel love.”
When she left the playground to go home, she wondered if he was right. Maybe she wasn’t capable of letting anyone love her. Maybe she was the one wearing the vest. Maybe she wouldn’t let him in.
But on her long walk home by herself, she thought of all the times she told him what she needed, all the times she found the courage to say, “This is how I feel love. This is what I need.”
She thought of how she talked about her feelings and how it made him uncomfortable to have those conversations.
Should she stop talking about how she felt?
Should she assume that he loved her even though her heart felt empty?
The last time they were at the playground, he promised that they could have a fine future together. He said they could read books and go on trips and swim in the pond and eat spaghetti and hold hands. He said they could take care of each other.
Shouldn’t that be enough for her? Shouldn’t that make her feel loved?
__________
That day at the playground, she was wearing new shoes. He didn’t notice her shiny new shoes, so she pointed them out to him. He said, “Oh, those are nice shoes.”
Then she told him that she had gotten her hair cut, and he said, “I see that now. I guess I didn’t notice before.”
She told him that she was feeling sad and he said, “Some days are like that.”
She hoped he would ask her why she was sad, and when he didn’t, she noticed his glasses. He was wearing dark glasses.
How had she not noticed the glasses?
He could not see her.
No matter how many times he told her that he loved her, she couldn’t feel it because he could not see her. How could he care for her if he couldn’t see her?
She began to wonder if he loved the idea of her. Maybe he loved the future he’d dreamt up and she could be plugged into the place held by the partner.
Shouldn’t that be good enough?
Wouldn’t that be good enough?
__________
She stayed away from the playground for awhile.
She needed to think. She needed to feel what she felt.
She worried that she might be alone and lonely, but she knew that there was nothing lonelier than being with someone who couldn’t see her.
She wondered if it was enough to have company to eat strawberries with and take long walks with and talk about books with.
After staying away from the playground for a few weeks, she realized that she was fine eating strawberries by herself, walking by herself and reading by herself, because at least her heart didn’t ache from not being seen.
Her heart knew the answer, even if her mind tried to convince her that she could be happy with a future where she wasn’t seen.
Heck, she could see herself, wasn’t that enough?
Could she be in this version of a future with him and have it be enough to only be seen by herself?
It is enough.
It is exactly enough to be seen by herself.
Even if she is the only one to see herself.
She never went back to the playground, and he never came looking for her.
Tags: in search of self, life, love, survive
This was a great post Jesse.
I believe deep down we know when it is right. We tend not to have so many question marks, and both our heart and head are in sync.
I get cynical sometimes in terms of relationships and love, because my experiences have been very hurtful. My expectations of that person fell short, and I was left empty by what I received. In saying that there is another side that believes in genuine love, that person who compliments you. They truly see you, no blinders present. Everything about you is crystal clear, visible. Your heart is at ease and you are at peace. I think we should not accept anything that does not make us feel safe, protected, wanted, and truly loved.
I think there is great joy in discovering this for yourself first, and worthwhile when another person can compliment that. We should not settle for less than, because we are deserving and good enough to truly be seen.
I am pretty content with doing things on my own. In moments when I feel alone, I realize that it’s only temporary. I take the time to love and nurture myself, and am patient for the person who will truly see me & love me beyond measure.
Wow! Chills. Yep, that is what it is about….
I see a pan of biscotti in the near future. Well, maybe not biscotti from my oven … maybe from the supermarket
His loss is in not looking for her, because now he will never know what an AMAZING, WONDERFUL, KIND, GENEROUS, LOVING, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, BEAUTIFUL, ….. (i truly could go on forever) partner he could have spent the rest of his life with.
Again, his loss and don’t you ever forget that.
much love
Kira,
Beautiful comment! You are so right. And I am completely in agreement with you on the NOT SETTLING!
Whoever that person is for you, well, they are going to be very blessed, indeed!
Pat,
I would love that.
Debbie,
I couldn’t read this without crying, but then you probably already knew that.
thank you
Thank you Jesse, & likewise. Whoever this post refers to does not know what he’s missing!!! I completely agree with Debbie!! He should have went after her.
We spend a lot of time wondering why they didn’t. As I ponder this more closely I can’t help thinking that maybe in some way him not coming after her is because he is not meant for her. This is not meant in a negative, rather the universe knows what she needs, just as much as she does.
There could be someone else walking her same path. That person will be someone who truly sees her, who won’t allow her to walk away & who steadies her heart.
Kira,
I cried at your comment, too.
I think you are correct on the role the Universe plays in this scenario.
The hard part is trusting heart/gut, but I always come out better in the end when I do.
Sometimes life is in the words of a (sassy) song….
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ out
[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I’m so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I’m gon’ always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now
So sad, you’re hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don’t deserve my tears
I guess that’s why they ain’t there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
Baby good lookin’ out
[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I’m so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
I said, you turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I’ll never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now
I know you want me back
It’s time to face the facts
That I’m the one that’s got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye
[Chorus]
I used to want you so bad
I’m so through it that
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the, best thing you never had.
Best thing you never had!
Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Beyonce Best Thing I Never Had lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-best-thing-i-never-had-lyrics.html
Beautiful post! So true and it makes me sad, because I so desperately wanted to believe that my N friend was “like family” that she cared about me “more than anyone” and that she really loved me. She said the words. But then I’d be completely baffled when she would make a negative judgment about me or my husband or (God forbid) my sweet KIDS & I’d just be so confused. She had no boundaries, could say or do whatever and it was supposed to be instantaneously forgiven. But if I dared step outside the invisible boundaries that were constantly changing? Then a payment was due. You’re so right. She never really saw me for who I was at all. That’s when I started to get a clue, when my other friends, family etc. would hear the things she’d say to me & say “I’ve never seen that in you, I don’t think that IS who you are, you’re not like that at all.” and then I learned about narcissism. And then I walked away. And THEN, I got it.
I love your writing Jesse, it’s like a poem, so pretty and so poignant. Have a great day.
Hugs, NM
Zaira,
I checked out the video. Gotta listen to her to do the words justice.
So true.
NM,
It’s so important to have the grounding that comes with the history we have with family and friends. We forget we have good benchmarks with that history. It’s easy to get so sucked in by the ways of the N. We know who we are, and if we get lost, we can just ask those who’ve been there with us all along.
The Ns are masters at confusing us – getting us to believe the worst of ourselves.
Then when you finally ditch the N, you suddenly realize that you always were and continue to be a bright shiny example of a fine person.
Have a shiny day. ;)
It is very important to fully trust your heart/gut. It is the most important thing, but also the most difficult. You are right they tend to never steer us in the wrong direction. Ironically even when they bellow loudly at us that something is wrong, or this isn’t right, we can tend to avoid that voice. We end up doubting instead of trusting. The universe is very good in regards to sending us signs, messages when we need to hear them. One just has to be still and truly listen, or at least I try to listen :). I am not really good at the listening part!
Kira,
It has taken me awhile – for sure. I still tend to ignore what my mind says and discount what my heart tells me, but I’m noticing that my stomach gets quite painful. I think it’s saying, “Hey, you may think it’s okay to not listen to mind and heart, but I’m here to get your attention. You are headed in the WRONG direction.”
As soon as I acknowledge the pain and the message, it subsides. The pain will pass by the next morning.
I’m not kidding on this.
Once I recognized the pattern, the listening (to my stomach, at least) got easier, probably because it’s unavoidable.
Now, everyone isn’t going to “feel” messages in their stomach. Another might experience neck pain, repeated sore throats, back pain, chest pain, headache. I’m not a genius, but there has to be something to the chakra stuff. (Note to self: explore chakras!)
But I am convinced that if we pay attention, we will see the results of indecision or harmful choices manifested in physical pain. This isn’t new. I’m just seeing it first hand and I am amazed at how real it is. I see it in my kids.
We need to listen to our bodies – really listen.
The body does find a way. Ignoring one thing, leads to a second indicator & so on. I have had the knots in stomach, which usually is never a good sign. More so lately it has been back pain, nerve issues & so on.
So I can completely relate to the physical pain stuff.
I almost wonder how much of my own discomfort is because of stress, anxiety, worry, or my indecision. My doctor always tells me stress, especially immense stress can cause an array of health problems. People don’t think it can, nor do we believe our environment & people around us influence a great deal of how we feel. The interesting thing is how everything manifests physically. It is very true. There are external things that can automatically provoke anxiety, or some reaction (e.g headache, knots in stomach, Nauseous, nail biting, feeling shaky or uneasy, etc).
I definitely understand you seeing certain examples present with your children. I am sure it’s a constant struggle for them to rationalize their father’s behavior. They have their own feelings about that relationship, that thankfully they express to you verbally. In the same breath you also see how it effects them physically, which I can only imagine is very hard. The good thing is they have you!!
We do have to truly listen to our bodies, because the warning signs are really screaming,” intervention needed!!& pay attention”.
Hopefully we can learn to be more in tune with our head & heart, so our bodies don’t have to do so much work :). Easier said than done. I am so looking into “chakras” as well.
Kira,
Your comment reminds me of all the health issues I had before I left my Ex. I’d gone to several doctors to find some answers. There wasn’t a conclusive cause of the problems. At one point, a family practitioner said he suspected stress and I laughed at him. I actually said, “I have an ideal life. I have a nice home, I get to stay home with my kids, my husband doesn’t cheat or gamble. He’s a wonderful provider and he’s always around.” The doc said, “Yeah, but does he listen to you?”
I know I had these thoughts running in my head that were something like: “Stress is for people who work too much. Stress is about obvious difficulties stemming from trauma or health problems. I’m tough. I don’t have stress. If there was anything difficult in my life, I could certainly handle it. This is embarrassing. I don’t have health issues because of stress.”
I asked another doctor if it was a good idea to have to take a prescription (anti-anxiety, anti-depressant) in order to stay in my marriage. She said, “I think you know the answer to that.”
Stress is different for everyone. Some can handle so much more than others.
Harmony is a huge thing for me. I avoid confrontation at all costs. There was no harmony in my life because I spent all my energy avoiding confrontation, not saying what I needed to say, and not being heard.
My body couldn’t take it any more.
I love what you said about getting in tune with our head and heart so our bodies don’t have to work so hard. Our bodies can only take so much.
I had a view of depression like you did, Jesse. I actually did start taking an anti-depressant, and I told my doctor that I just didn’t understand how I could possibly be depressed? I told her that my stress was “regular” stress. I have a good life.
Only after I ended the relationship with my N did I see what a major beating it had given me over the years. I have always believed in a mind-body connection, and it was interesting to me that once I tuned into my body more & started taking care of it, well that was when I started to really notice that this relationship was suffocating me, squeezing my soul to smithereens. Got in tune with my body, started eating healthier and exercising & then realized the other “junk food” that was affecting my spirit. I couldn’t have a healthy body and an unhealthy life.
I agree with you, Kira. If we don’t deal with the problem, our bodies will find a way to express that stress, anger, and hurt.
I’m still taking that anti-depressant. But I know that I’ll get off of it someday. Someday soon. :)
Have a great weekend, all. Zaira, that song is awesome, I think I’ll download it.
NM
I am sing songy this week…. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DyCC_b5WHLX0&v=yCC_b5WHLX0&gl=US
I so agree with you in regards to disliking confrontation. I strongly dislike it. I avoid it to the best of my ability. In my last relationship I had so many regrets, the biggest one not speaking my mind. I never called him out on all of the things he did wrong. As to not upset the balance of things I pretended a lot of the time that other stuff made the relationship not so bad. I spent a great deal of that time in tears. A good friend of mine had to sit me down and say, “you are being a doormat, you are internalizing way too much”. “You should be able to say how you feel?””Who cares if the other person gets mad, it happens”. “Where’s your voice, use it”.
I did get to my final straw when my body simply couldn’t take it anymore. I just got so tired, drained if that makes sense. I was done. The only regret was not ending it sooner.
Jesse, you were able to see it when you closely examined everything. I think your doctor asked the most pivotal question, then comes the moment for reflection.
I don’t think its all in vain, what we give up in a relationship. I think it’s learning lessons. We get stronger by our experiences, and hopefully bolder. We take the good from that relationship and run with it. I like to think next time around we will say everything we feel, regardless of conflict.
I know I have to do that next time, as the internal conflict is not worth the long term affects.
I think you are doing a great job in creating a harmonious, charmed life for you and your troop :). How incredibly freeing!! There’s a lightness that comes with seeking harmony everyday, can’t truly explain it, but I am sure you get it. Am hoping you feel better physically now as a result of your new path!!
Big thing to remember: we all have stress, it’s definitely unavoidable, but unnecessary stress from things or people are no longer welcome :).
NM,
I love that you bring a different perspective to this blog. Clearly, having a friendship relationship with an N can be just as devastating and harmful.
That stuff about Ns being vampires – sucking the life out of you – is hard for me to process because of the negativity, but it is so very true.
Enjoy your kids this weekend! I’m planning to do the same. ;)
Kira,
That’s the biggie – realizing that we can bar the door to those stress inducers. We just have to make the choice to do so.
But first we have to identify them.
That’s not always so easy.
Have a great weekend.
Well, it’s probably somewhat unusual to have such an intense and long-term “friendship.” So that’s probably more why I can relate. We had been friends for 24 years and were overly involved in each other’s lives, so it was way beyond friendship in many aspects. The N treatment and abuse started before we were teenagers. As we grew up, constant communication, several times per day, etc. helped the abuse along as well as my commitment to her and the friendship. It was more like a sister relationship, I would say. But, in the end, I had this epiphany that it was, simply, JUST a friendship, and that made it a lot easier to cut the cord. With the realization that I was involved with someone very sick, who abused me and wasn’t interested in changing made it easy to say “no more” and just never see her again.
So, I have a massive amount of respect for you ladies. Having to see your exes, ask them to leave, etc. I can only imagine what kind of fallout that would have with an N. I have had fallout too, but because there are no custody arrangements to battle out, and no one I have to see at family functions etc. it has been easier. Fortunately for me, none of my family or other friends could really stand her. (shoulda been a clue!) ;)
I asked a close friend of mine who is a practicing therapist why I did NOT marry someone who was an N, when I know my Dad was. She said it was because I was already playing out the N stuff with my friend. That most children of Ns do marry them as well. As you said earlier, Jesse, it’s that sense of “this is where I’ve been looking for love, I guess I should keep looking with the same kind of person.” That TOTALLY creeped me out when she said that, but because deep down, I knew it was true.
Kira, I think you’re so right! I DESPISE conflict and confrontation as well. Probably because I learned early on that there is no “winning” in conflict with an N.
Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! Hubby and I are looking forward to doing something fun with our kids :)
hugs, NM
NM,
This gave me chills.
First of all, when I left my Ex, many folks came out of the woodwork and said, “I never could see what you saw in that guy.” Yeah. I heard that a lot.
But secondly! Yow! That comment from the therapist, about how you played out all the N stuff through your friendship, really hit me. So glad you didn’t end up marrying one – especially for the sake of your kids. But you more than paid your dues in the 24 years with your “friend”.
Thanks, so much, for sharing here.
I’m continually amazed by what I learn from all of you here.
Thank you all!
NM continue taking care of yourself. We all need to practice self care. Remember it is in fact all about the mind/body connection. Hope you had an amazing weekend with your family :).
Jesse, hope you have been enjoying your labor day weekend with your family as well. Hard to believe fall is almost here!!
Thank you, Kira! My hubby had 4 days off, he took the boys fishing twice and we all spent a day at the art museum (and I went running twice too, woot woot!) A good time was had by all :)
Hope you ALL had awesome long weekends :)
hugs
NM