From the nearest hilltop.
From a virtual mountain, if that’s your thing.
From the top floor of your apartment building.
From your desk at work with your mute button on.
From your shower.
With fists clenched and head thrown back…
“I am a good person.
I have a kind heart.
I have always tried to do my best.
I know I am responsible for where I have ended up.
Must I pay for my mistakes for the rest of my life?!
May I be done now?”
Straighten your blouse, brush your bangs to the side, glance around to see if anyone is staring and get back on your path.
*The desperate screams of a woman who fears she’ll have to deal with her narcissistic ex-husband for the rest of her life.
Tags: a girl can dream, child of narcissist, cuz I am Woman, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, survive
Jesse,
Wow. Even with great boundaries, it feels like we never really get away from the narcissist in our lives. I tell myself just what you metaphorically shouted all the time…and yet sometimes it feels like I’ll never escape the N in my life. But I’ll keep screaming it right along with you. Big hugs going out to you & the kids :)
If it’s any consolation (or maybe it’s the ultimate aggravation), it’ll probably be until your kids are out of the nest. Sorry to put that out there. You already know it.
As I am in the thick of court motions, mediation, appeals…YES! I AM WITH YOU ON THIS!
I know this feeling. Yuck! :( Another yucky one is “I thought I was further in my recovery than this. Why am I back at square one?” I hate the “why’s.” There’s no answer to the why’s!
Sorry you had this kind of day, Jesse. Hang in there! You have many friends, some of us are only an email away! Feel better and I hope the kids are ok.
Tonight I’m struggling with life/weight loss/art, why does everything take me 10 times longer to achieve, than it seemingly takes everyone else? Like you said, I feel like I do the right things. I feel my motivation and heart are in the right place, why can’t the things I’m striving towards fall into place? I feel I’ve done the hard things, made the tough choices and stuck to them, so WHY are things harder and not easier?
And my N crossed the line (as we both knew she would). Now she’s harassing my mother on Pinterest.
Trusting that we will both get there, eventually. In the meantime we can compare narcissists to natural disasters! ;)
Big hugs, NM
Jenn,
Thanks for that.
A new day brings renewed energy, a stronger will and a new plan…
I’ll keep you posted.
Pat,
My goal is to NOT let him mess with our healthy nest. When he does, this momma bird gets her feathers ruffled.
He is the Magpie that keeps pecking at his own babies.
Z,
I can hear you… clear across the country.
NM,
I’ll gently remind you that most of your energy is spent on your three beautiful boys, your husband and home. How can you possibly make ginormous strides on other areas when so much is directed at your family?
May I suggest that you pat yourself on the back for raising awesome kids, being an amazing wife and finding time to enjoy your creative pursuits?
One of my favorite motivational phrases is: Compare myself to me. Have I improved?
Try focusing on what you are doing so well, put more emphasis on that. I know… easy to say. ;)
Your N harassing your mom is further proof that there is NO level that they won’t stoop to. That’s disgusting.
YES! The National Weather Service ought to come up with a Radar specifically targeting narcissists!
Oh I am trying…… So frustrating sometimes! Working on just being my best me. ;)
I hope you remember that you are not paying for past mistakes. You are just connected to a person that’s very sick. It’s not your fault.
Let me repeat that again…. It’s NOT your fault that he is the way he is!
Hugs to all and your sweet kids too.
NM
NM,
Thank you.
I needed that.
The second wave just went off! Did you hear it?
…CAN I PLEASE BE DONE NOW???
I just wrote a 7 page pre-mediation statement about how narcissistic the ex is. I quoted the NIH statements of behavior, used them in examples, included ALL the issues going on at the same time now (custody appeal-him, foreclosure-him, civil suit for the front fee on the house-him, marital personal property dispute-him and I am filing a request for an En Banc review on Monday to dispute the order on the marital personal property…the judge was wrong!) and explained why previous mediation did not work.
This document is solely for the mediator to prepare for the session. It is confidential and no one else sees it, but I put it all out there so they can verify information if they need to. The limited info that gets filed in the court documents is ridiculous.
I am saving money by not having an attorney, but boy does this stuff take time to do and I am lucky that my attorney guides me through this mess!
Thanks for the rant! I have to get it out in order to stay sane. Now, time for a beer and a swim then 2 more documents to write. :)
Z,
When you are done, AND you succeed (you WILL) you will be able to write the book on how to navigate legal proceedings when up against a narcissist.
I predict it will be a bestseller.
Good luck!!
I would buy ANY book that teaches me how to handle a narcissist in ANY way! I’d definitely buy any book Zaira wrote. :)
Hang in there.
When I was looking into the restraining order and possible lawsuit against my N friend a few months ago, the thought of trying to battle this person in court made me nauseous.
You are all STRONG and SMART. Making all the steps you’ve made thus far shows that to me. If you were not strong, you would still be in that relationship.
I like to swim too, Zaira. But last night I discovered that for me it was NOT a good idea to have my sangria BEFORE the swim. Can you say slow? I really did sleep good, though! ;)
Hugs to all.
NM
NM,
Thanks for that laugh… Sangria and swimming sounds like a great combo. ;)
Thanks. I am not sure I know much, but there is one thing I don’t find others do in the process, which is show him empathy in negotiations as it appeals to his inner child. Believe me, it is a struggle to balance that with my bottom line, but it is the only way to get him to compromise (boy, he would be upset if he realized that is what he was doing!). The strategy is to keep the decision OUT of the hands of a judge. Since the judge changes with every court date and they all have their pre-conceived opinions about the case before you show up, the only thing you can do is hope they are on your side. You may be able to sway them a little in testimony and get a little movement back, but they will still rule on their personal beliefs. This works for my situation, not for all, but using the information and techniques (without emotion) that I gathered when we were together is my only defense. I wish anyone else in this situation the best of luck!
Z,
Are you saying that you have to present things to your Ex in a way that would be best received by his inner child – as in his 6 year old self? More clarification on that one, please. It sounds like you are on to something…
In my limited experience, the more emotion I left out of attorney meetings, briefs and mediation, the better I did. “Just the facts, ma’am.” That is not easy to do!
My attorney always wanted me to cry on the stand. Lol! I didn’t, but there was enough emotion in my voice and pauses to organize my thoughts that the judges have treated me with respect at least and I think it swayed them a bit to my side even though he called the ex a good parent. I maintained custody!
Yes, I present them in a way that seems as if I am giving more in exchange for what I want. He has to see it as fair or winning. It is kind of like when your child has a dollar and you trade FOUR quarters for the ONE dollar. For example, the last negotiation was the custody case. He never wanted custody so we were negotiating the visitation again. He wanted make up days for the overnights he was missing because I moved and it was impractical for him to keep our son on Sunday nights when he had school the next day. Fine. I didn’t argue, but he wanted every spring break and the whole summer to make up with no relief for our son to be himself. Not happening. So, I gave other days…Thanksgiving break, every other Christmas break. It may have been more days, but my concern was the extended period of time, not the number of days. The order was written general enough for me to still be able to control the lengths of time. He thought he was winning and I still protected my son.
There was one point at the beginning of the negotiating when he was digging his heels in and my attorney was pushing him to give in. That won’t work, so I stopped her and gave him part of what he wanted. It was amazing that he actually softened. The tantrum subsided for a bit and we got through the rest of it almost amicably, with little attorney involvement, when he was ready to move it to the full blown trial.
So, now he is appealing the order because it included the two week limitation and he says he did not agree to that. He did, but he doesn’t remember it that way. We will be back in mediation with the court of appeals in a week and a half. This is much better than him having my son for the 8 weeks straight AND I am saving $300 an hour for an attorney. Keeping my fingers crossed that we settle it and he gets tired of the process or at least paying for it.
Haha, NM! I beer and FLOAT! And thank you for the compliments. I don’t know if I will ever get around to that book, but I keep notes just in case. ;)
Zaira, Sadly, it seems that anyone who’s not (physically) beating up their kids would be called a “good parent” by the court system! :(
Oh yes….. I can identify with what you’re saying just from arguing with my N friend through the years. At one point, we were going to meet to discuss our latest problem (near the end of the friendship, there was some sort of major argument every week…. Only because I had finally begun to stick up for myself instead of just tolerating her attacks) and she made some comment about how she didn’t want to be “misrepresented” in the argument. I replied, “nothing to worry about, I’m bringing your email, and will respond to it, exactly as it’s written. You can read it out loud if it makes you feel better.” Because she could say whatever nasty things came in her mind to me, but surely I would ‘exaggerate’ the situation. As if I would have needed to exaggerate anything! The things she said were so awful, that I didn’t need to!
It’s all good advice, whether or not the book ever gets published. Jesse and I think that we need a service like the National Weather Service to identify each Narcissist and their potential destruction. It would be excellent and alert others to possible danger. ;)
Well, lets just say my Sangria was small, but mighty. I had plans to meet a friend, or I may have bailed on swimming altogether. I was sharing a lap lane with her, and having a bit of a hard time staying on my side! Also, each lap was taking me a full minute longer than normal! Ha! ;) I think beer and floating sounds lovely, though. :)
NM
It helps to have someone witness the conversation too. He would never have been so civil if he didn’t feel like there was someone to impress in the room. He had to keep his composure in front of the attorneys. We are in court all the time because he cannot accomplish this rationale agreement between ourselves and he feels that the court can make me give him something. Yes, they can, but they don’t because we always end up settling. It is really dumb, but that is part of the disease.
That is funny, the NPD radar. I have it now and avoid those people if at all possible!!!
“One of my favorite motivational phrases is: Compare myself to me. Have I improved?”
Thank you. I need to have this phrase tattooed on my arm.
I’m a first time commenter to your site, although I’ve been reading for quite some time. My life has been an anthology of narcissists, and your site is one of a few I go to for therapy. After learning all I can about narcissists and their behaviours, I can finally say it does get better. Please keep writing, Jesse!
Z,
This reminds me of the literature I’ve found that suggests that dealing with a narcissist is like dealing with a six year old. Think of the tantrums, the pouting when they don’t get their way, playing favorites, the way they believe everything is and should be about them.
It sounds like you are finding some levels of success when you treat him like he is six.
I also think of one of my favorite parenting tricks for six year old kids…. distraction. When he/she would be unreasonable, insist on having a tantrum, would not listen when told to quit doing something… I would introduce something new – a toy, a book or I’d grab him by the hand and take him away to show him something interesting.
The distraction that works with a narcissist is to make them think they have the upper hand. The other no-fail distraction is a compliment. (They can’t hear that you don’t really mean it. LOL!) Lord knows they can’t get enough compliments
Z,
Just this week I was telling someone that I’m ready to start recording phone calls because what he says to me when no one else can hear him is unbelievable. But if there is an audience, he’s incredibly charming.
That – again – is why no one believes us when we talk of narcissism.
Narcissists are fantastic actors.
Melissa,
Welcome, and thanks for writing.
And isn’t it funny that while we are concerned with improving, the Ns in our lives would never give that a second thought.
Thanks for reading.
I bet you have a lot to share here. ;)
Currently hoarse from screaming.
Uh oh :( I hope you and the kids are ok. If you need to vent, I’m here for you.
NM
NM,
Thanks. We are ok.
I’m furiously typing out the exchange that just took place. Got to record all those convos.
It’s a great way to vent at the same time.
My poor keyboard……
Ironically, today is the 6th anniversary of the day we moved out.
The lesson here: DON’T MARRY A NARCISSIST!
Or become friends with one. Yuck.
:( I am sorry that is ruining an anniversary of a GOOD thing, not easy I am sure, but still good. 6 years is a huge milestone. Be proud of how far you’ve come, and don’t let him get to you. Easier said than done, I know…..
Typing it all out is really therapeutic though. I have also found that writing angry letters I never intend to send helps me release some of that rage.
And, just because it bears repeating, this is NOT your fault. You did not know he was a Narcissist when you married him.
Hang in there.
NM
NM,
Thank you so much for being there with encouragement when I need it most.
Seriously… if that’s what we do for each other on here, it’s worth every minute I spend on this blog.
I feel my heart rate settling a bit. It helps that you all are out there and you know exactly what this is like.
Thank you, again.
Hug your gorgeous kids.
You hug yours too!
I’m happy to do it. You have helped me through several rough spots, all of you have really. Hang in there.
NM
Thanks so much for this blog. I kicked my husband out. Enough is enough after 6 years of marriage. I loved with all I had and gave it all away and I am left with but a shadow of who i was.
This blog gives me hope. I am a lucky one. My husband signed over full custody, no visitation for our two year old son. I no longer deal with him at all. I hurt, I cry, I rage, I love, I forgive, I heal and I move on. I needed to learn too about self-care.
I deserve better and my son deserves better.
I WILL SCREAM IT! I pray I wont pay for my mistake…
Julianne,
Thanks for writing. I’m glad you found us.
I admire your bravery.
Your son is blessed to have such a wise and courageous mom.
I love your words: “I hurt, I cry, I rage, I love, I forgive, I heal and I move on.” And you will because you and your son DO deserve so much more!
I hope you’ve gathered – from reading here – that it does get better.
Sending encouragement and hugs.
Jesse
Did you know that your blog opened my eyes to see a narcissist in my midst? She’s an unbearable person who completely fits the definition of a narcissist, and it makes perfect sense now why her presence always felt so uncomfortable and soul-sucking. That being said, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, you have to deal with that man until your children have reached the age of majority — but after that, he’ll be a fleeting issue. After that, they can choose to keep him in or reject him from their lives. You keep doing the awesome mom thing, and they’ll keep growing into great people.
Meredith,
Thanks for writing.
Isn’t it interesting when we finally understood why that person is so difficult to be around. I don’t know about you, but I always wondered what I was supposed to do differently to make those encounters more comfortable.
Turns out there was nothing I could do.