My heart was in the right place.
But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.
Only I’m not sure how to get back there.
It was decidedly un-INFJ of me to sandwich a vacation that was two years in the planning between the kids’ birthdays, thereby making it virtually impossible for me to be fully present on either one of their special days.
There was nothing INFJ about packing so many places, attractions, and activities into a vacation that included driving 3000 miles round trip in eight days. It’s all a blur right now. All I can remember is a really good cup of coffee outside of Sacramento at a convenience store at 6:30 in the morning. Yesterday, I found some sand on Will’s Tevas, but I barely remember being at the beach. If it weren’t for pictures, I’d think the trip was a mirage.
I was pretending I’m not an INFJ when I ate fast food eight days in a row and drove straight back from San Francisco (20 hours) because the kids were missing their cat, and I wanted to prove I could still drive like a mad woman.
I was pretending I’m not an INFJ when, upon returning and sleeping for only five hours, I hit the ground running, unpacking, handling laundry, buying groceries, but avoiding answering emails, replying on Twitter or even writing a post for the blog.
It was un-INFJ of me to think it was at all responsible of me to be out of town while extended family cleaned up after my recent plumbing disaster. Yes, I’d already reserved yurts, rooms and cabins for the vacation. Yes, I left the plumbing project (which I clearly could do nothing about) in more than capable hands. The point is, INFJs do not like to impose, and now my stomach is paying the price.
Losing my patience with Jen and Will is not me. That was my first clue that I’d strayed too far. The other clue was my hesitancy to get back on the blog – this connection is important to me.
Last night, after yelling at the kids – again – it hit me. All this pretending I’m not an INFJ has caught up with me.
This morning I apologized to Will and Jenny – again. Then, I made a declaration to SLOW down.
- I will go slow to appreciate, savor and experience. Others can hop from one social engagement to another, I cannot. I’m not lesser because I refuse to go at the pace of others.
- I will eat food that nourishes me, not food that simply fills my tank.
- I will slowly get to answering emails, comments and phone calls.
- I will request that we not have the TV on. I will politely insist on some quiet.
- I’ll get to the laundry when I get there. If you don’t have any clean socks, there’s a big white box down the hall. The soap is in the blue bottle. Go for it.
- Yes, I will help with __________, or figure out a way to ____________, or be there for _________________, but it can’t be right this minute.
- I love you, but I love me, too, and right now I need a break.
Just writing these words makes my stomach feel better.