I come from a long line of narcissists. It wasn’t until I started reading about NPD that I realized just how many narcissists were in my family. There is certain risk involved in learning about NPD. Suddenly, it starts to seem like you are surrounded by narcissists. So that’s why Aunt Bonnie is so self-centered. No wonder Uncle George can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. And a lot of family members can seem that way. They are probably nothing more than your garden-variety, self-centered, annoying relative. No family is without them. But it’s when you look more closely and really pinpoint those defining characteristics, that you learn just how one narcissist begets another, and the cycle continues.
I really loved my grandmother. She doted on me. And when I became a young woman, and it was more difficult for her to do the doting, I doted on her. We spent a lot of time together. I never crossed her. I loved her and there was no need to disagree with her. Nothing was so important that I had to disappoint her by offering a dissenting opinion. I was the perfect source. I never failed to tell her that she was a fabulous cook. And I always commented on how pretty she was when she was young. That’s a real big deal to a narcissist.
Well, I made a big mistake as far as my grandma was concerned. I got married. You can see how that posed a big problem for her. Certainly, if I was getting married, I would have to spend time with the guy I would be marrying. That would take away from the time I was supposed to be spending with her. She didn’t come right out and tell me that she was disappointed. She became petty. When we would be chatting about something, she’d call Mark, “What’s-His-Name.” Or she’d make a snide comment about what he looked like, or what he did for a living. She made it clear that I could have made a better choice. I thought her behavior was odd, but I attributed her pettiness to age. At that point in time, I had yet to learn about NPD. Now, with my schooling in narcissism, I can look back and see her bizarre behavior for what it truly was.
If it wasn’t bad enough that I decided to go out and get married, I then made matters worse by deciding to have a baby. I could hardly wait to tell grandma the news. Surely, those nearest and dearest to me would be as over-joyed as I was. Her immediate response was, “Well, I guess, if that’s what makes you happy.” My brother and his wife had two of their own, and I went on to have a second. With each pregnancy, she was only interested enough to say, “If it’s a girl, I sure hope you name her after me.”
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, narcissism, narcissist behavior, NPD
Such a good story. So many questions! Why do narcissists behave themselves around some people but not others? Do you think she said all the right things to your brother when his wife was expecting? Did other people view your grandma as a kind, thoughtful person? This is the thing that annoys me the most – how they can be so decent to some people but so nasty to others. Such a double standard! I think narcissists must be the biggest hypocrites ever…
Hi Elliott,
Nice to see you again.
I would see my ex turn on the charm like a paid professional. I’d be standing next to him, at his business, and he’d spread charm around like he was frosting a cake. I’d see his employees lap it up. I’d see them glow with the gratitude of working for such an amazing person. The whole time I’d be thinking, “If they only knew what he was like at home.”
He was nice to them because they so readily bought into his facade. They believed in the image he wanted them to believe. I didn’t, so there was no point in being nice to me. Of course he was nice to me in front of others, because being nice to me was part of his manufactured image. But when we were alone, forget it.
I’ve seen, as Narcissists get older, they get tired of trying to pretend to be nice. They don’t measure their words in an effort to perpetuate that fake image. My grandma quit trying to put her “nice” self out there. It gets to the point where only their acquaintances believe that they are kind or thoughtful. And then you’ll hear about how these acquaintances have become such “dear friends.” That’s because they’ve bought into the fake image.
I agree with you about them being hypocrites.
Yes, but its always the people that they are supposed to care about the most that they are nastiest to! I’ll never understand it. Maybe it’s best to accept that I can’t think that way. I guess you learn a lot of hard lessons by being involved with a narcissist. Don’t you wish you just knew it from the very beginning so that you could walk way and avoid the pain that comes later?
Elliott,
I know! I know! It’s the bitterest pill of them all. It will never make sense to you because you aren’t like them. You can read all the books, search all the blogs, ask all the therapists….
You can look to the stars, ask the moon, and pray to the Gods and Goddesses.
It doesn’t make sense. It never will.
Accept and forgive, as a friend of mine says. That doesn’t make it okay, but it frees your soul.
Yes, I do wish I’d known from the beginning. That, in a nutshell, is why I’m honest with Jen and Will.
I wish for you, freedom for your soul. I wish the same for myself. One day …..
Here’s a hug. You deserve so much better. :)
Thanks Jesse, you are a very wise person! It’s great that you are educating your kids on this as I never knew that such personalities existed. I’m always a benefit of the doubt person if someone hurts my feelings. It’s funny how you can keep making a million excuses when they do it over & over again!!! I wish I was one of those people who can spot the toxicity and push back or walk away. This blind spot of mine is definitely linked to my upbringing of people pleasing. Ah well, still work to do – we are always evolving. Thanks for the hug!
Elliott,
I have the same blind spot. I laugh at the articles that say INFJs can see a toxic person from a mile away. I can’t. Maybe I do, but my “benefit of the doubt muscle” prevents me from listening to my intuition.
Here’s to a new year and the growth that comes with!
I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna try to please myself as much as I try to please others this year!!
All the best.