I was making banana bread today with a good recipe out of “The Joy of Cooking.” I use this cookbook at least once a week. It’s a favorite. Today, when I opened to the banana bread page, a note fell out of the cookbook. I’ve had this book for probably five years. I had forgotten there was a note inside.
The note was from Mark and it read:
Jess,
Hope you had fun tonight. Sorry about the “late” comment. It was uncalled for. I’ll work on the control thing and lighten up on expectations so you can relax. Have fun at the cabin. Have Will call if he wants. Mark
As I read this note today, I was thinking, “So, how’d that work for ya, Mark? Guess you couldn’t lighten up on the expectations or manage the control thing after all.” In fact, in one of our last “discussions” before I made the decision to move out, he said that he felt he was losing control, and that the family would be happier and healthier if he had more control.
I can’t remember the circumstances that warranted the writing of the note. It seems obvious that he felt he was losing his grip. If he could convince me that things would change, maybe I’d be less inclined to resist his attempts at controlling me. However, those changes never came.
And then there was the part where he said, “Have Will call if he wants.” He was always saying stuff like that. “The kids can call if they want.” What he meant was, “They can call if they really love me.” Or, “The kids can hang with me if they want.” This meant, “They can be with me if they like me and want to be with me.” The parent should make the call. The parent extends himself for the child. Only the narcissistic parent waits for the child to come around. A six year old boy does not know that he’s being manipulated, and that he is expected to show adulation. A six year old boy is just as narcissistic as the adult narcissist. They could have a perpetual stand-off waiting to see who would be the first to feed the other’s narcissism.
Finding that note today was a sweet thing. Of course a part of me angers at the reading of it, but the biggest part of me is thrilled at how far the three of us have come. I have a note on my kitchen cupboard with the word expectations crossed out with a big black X. No more manipulating or controlling. Oh, and no one to complain about my banana bread, either.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD
