Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room.  It’s going to stay that way.  Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door.  Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays.  Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I get Fridays.  Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room.  It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.

In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life.  There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff.  Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit.  You shouldn’t do that for long.  But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation.  It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen.  Music shares your pain.  After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face.  Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys.  Will and Jen know all the words by heart.  I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning.  But they love the beat.

When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ.  Wow.  It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play.  One kid plays the flute.  One kid plays the trumpet.  The cool kid plays the drums.  The even cooler kid plays the guitar.  And the nerdy girl plays the organ.  I got to take organ lessons.  That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating.  If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.

My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ.  She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud.  It was her way of shouting at the world.  Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.

I hate the organ.  I have an iPod.  Lucky me.  The three of us enjoy it in the morning.  I enjoy it all by myself at night.  I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs.  And the dancing is a big part of the music.  We all dance like maniacs around here.  It’s a great way to have fun with each other.  And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress.  Who cares what you look like?  It’s about the fun of expressing the music.

Have you ever known a narcissist who could actually dance along with the beat?  Before kids, I managed to talk Mark into taking Ballroom Dance lessons.  Keep in mind that this was before kids, so at that point in time, I was doing a darn good job of fulfilling all my obligations.  It was a lot easier to get him to do something that I wanted, since I was doing a great job of keeping his tank full.  Mark is a handsome guy.  The instructor had a wee crush on him, just like our Spanish Instructor was kind of sweet on him, too.  Remember that thing about the charm of a narcissist.  Anyway, at about the third or fourth lesson, the instructor tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could cut in.  By this point, I was frustrated at my inability to get him to feel the beat, and tired of embarrassing myself, so I welcomed the relief.  They tripped around the room a couple times, and ended up back with me.  The instructor glanced up at Mark with a look that seemed to say, “You might be cute, but….”  And she said, “You are doing a fine job, Mark.  Try doing it to the music.”  As we were walking out to the car after class, Mark said, “She might be a good dance instructor, but she sure can’t follow along when someone else leads.”

I think narcissists can’t dance because they can’t relax.  You can’t relax if your job requires you to control the entire universe.  If you can’t let your guard down, you can’t move freely.  A narcissist has to maintain control.

And you know what they say about sex with someone who can’t dance …