Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

Speaking of good men …  there is a good man in my life.  Or at least there was.  As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life.  As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.

Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff?  The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean.  Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships.  I’ve read plenty of them.  Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.

Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship.  Doesn’t everybody go through that?  Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone.   But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool.  I wasn’t looking when he came along.  I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce.  I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons.  I didn’t have a fear of being alone.  Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway.  I was coping quite nicely, in fact.  I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me.  I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked.  Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom.  But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.

Then he came along.  It started so innocently.  We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states.  It was perfect.  Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance.  That was so smart, and so healthy.  There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.

That was two and a half years ago.  In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee.   I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone.  After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off.  Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues.  And my long distance friend continues to rise above.  And I continue to screw it up.  I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist.  He’s the furthest thing from.  I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship.  You mean I’m not supposed to do everything?  Am I supposed to do anything?  What should I do?  I know I keep doing too much.  I know I can’t shut up about it.  I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith.  I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me.  Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with.

Jenny tells me to slow down.  Will says speed it up.  (By the way, they both think the world of him.  I think kids are like dogs.  They all have good noses and are good at immediately sniffing out the good people.)  One girlfriend tells me I over-analyze, and she’s absolutely right.  Another girlfriend says, you need to cling to him, that’s what he wants.  Another girlfriend says, if he’s the one, it will work out.  Be patient.  Last night I had a girlfriend tell me that she just watched the movie, “Christina.”  She said, “Does he look at you like you are the only woman on the planet, read you poetry, and tell you he can’t live without you?”  Well, no, he doesn’t.  She had me thinking that maybe I should be holding out for the Latin Lover with bedroom eyes, a heavy accent, and a rose clenched between his teeth.  Today I got to thinking, “Show me a guy that looks at anything like that, and I’ll show you a guy who’s either staring at a bull elk, a trophy fish, or a cold beer.”  Plus, I don’t want a guy reading poetry to me.  Yuk.

See what I mean about there not being one manual to fit all the different scenarios?  A Latin Lover would be fabulous for one friend.  Clingy might work for the other friend, but it doesn’t fit me.  Although about the time I screw things up again, I start to feel pretty damn clingy.  When I was in college and dating a little, I remember thinking, this is so clumsy, so weird, so unnatural.  It has not gotten any easier.  Maybe guys are the smarter animals?  I don’t think they spend any time asking their buddies what they should do in their relationship.  Should they call?  Should they read poetry?  What guy talks about any of that stuff while swilling a cold beer and swapping fishing tales?