Last night Will was so stressed, I actually resorted to giving him a Pepcid. That’s the first time he’s taken anything for an upset stomach. His stomach had been bothering him for two days. Coincidentally, his father had been over both those days.
I’m too familiar with this feeling. I have a stash of Pepcid for myself.
After both visits, Will started pacing, cussing and ranting. I’ve told him that he can write about what bugs him. We’ve lots of cryptic notes around the house.
“My Dad is an A hole.”
“F you dad.”
“It’s all about you, Dad.”
We talked about how the language isn’t acceptable, but he needs a way to relieve stress. Interestingly, he refuses to cut loose with the cuss words in front of his sister. I like that. But, I need to let him have an outlet, and this is the outlet he has chosen.
Of course, he’s emulating me.
After he gets done cussing and pacing, I ask if he wants to talk about anything. I wait for him to calm down and then ask what tipped him off. I was here for both visits. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Mark cornered Will, forced him to sit on his lap, scratched his back, and talked to him like he’s a 2nd grader.
It’s the usual treatment.
We’ve dealt with this forever. Why was it so bad this time?
Permission to be Angry
“Will, what’s up? It wasn’t any worse than usual. What got to you this time?”
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I am so done with these visits.”
I said, “Quit feeling guilty about how you feel about your dad. Quit feeling like you are a bad person because you don’t like to be around your dad. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”
I could see the tension release from his shoulders. His face relaxed. His eyes welled with tears. Someone just needed to give him permission to feel what he was feeling.
When the dust settles, I’m going to point out that none of this means that he will never like his dad. (I’m the eternal optimist.) I’m going to suggest that this is how he is feeling right now. This may change. I want him to know that he is perfectly entitled to feel however he feels. He is a good person.
He should show his dad respect.
He shouldn’t go out of his way to treat his dad poorly.
It is perfectly fine if he doesn’t enjoy his dad’s company.
Trying to Get His Attention
On the first of these two lovely visits, an interesting thing happened with Jenny.
I’m thinking she’s a bit of an eternal optimist, too.
She was sitting on the floor putting together a big puzzle. Her dad was sitting on the couch. Jenny looked at her dad, and in this irresistible voice says, “Daddy, will you do this puzzle with me?” Who could resist such a sweetheart? He looked at her and said, “No. I wanna sit on the couch.”
I couldn’t stifle a stunned laugh. I looked at Jenny, and saw a look on her face that said, “Okay. I’ll just ask another time. Maybe one time you’ll play with me,” and she went back to her puzzle.
___________
The next night, Will and I were individually breathing sighs of relief because we weren’t having Mark over again. Jenny says, “Hey mom, can I call dad? I wanna see if he’ll actually play with me this time.” It was almost like she was making up a game – the When Will Daddy Play With Me Game. I’m not sure she really wanted to do anything with him, but she called, and he came over.
He spent some time painting with her. However, Will was playing a shooting game on the T.V., and that was more interesting.
At one point, I whispered to Jen and asked if I should find a way to get her dad back to the painting. She sighed and nodded her head.
All of this happened right after a heated discussion that Mark and I recently had. The short version is that he wants to see his kids more. He says that he knows that they want to see him more. He has called his attorney. His attorney is contacting Child and Family Services.
So there.
My education in Narcissism has taught me that this is all B.S — more lies, manipulation and threats. He wouldn’t spend one of his precious dimes in an effort to spend time with his kids.
Time To Move
We were driving home from shopping yesterday, talking about when we might be moving. Jenny says, “I remember when we were moving out of dad’s house, and I was thinking, ‘Hey, this isn’t so bad!’ But I’m not ready to leave this house.” She got teary and said, “I really love this house.”
As much as Jenny says she loves this house, what she doesn’t realize is that it’s not the house so much as the harmony and peace we now have in our home.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, love, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
