Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

I knew this woman who had three kids and every year at Christmas, she put up a lavish Advent Calendar.  She would wrap one present for each kid for each day on the calendar.  That’s 75 little packages.  I think she was running for the Mom Of The Year Award.  I’ve not seen her in awhile.  Maybe she buckled under the pressure of all those holiday expectations.

I made an Advent Calendar a few years ago.

Each day Will and Jenny open one envelope.  They take turns opening, since there is only one envelope for each day.  The envelope contains a little note that is their “present” for the day.  It’s not always a package to open, in fact, it usually isn’t.

The note might say:

• Play games tonight.
• Go to the library.
• Soak your tootsies and watch a Christmas movie.
• Put up the Christmas Tree.
• Stay up late on a school night.
• Go to Grandma and Grandpa’s and play Aggravation.
• Look under the couch.  (They’ll each find a candy bar.)
• Bake Christmas Cookies.

And more little treats that don’t always require money or wrapping.  These little treats spread the fun of the holiday.

I realize that I am the one with the holiday expectations.  I am the one that puts the pressure on myself to make Christmas perfect.  And I do – unintentionally – pass those expectations down to Will and Jenny.  The kids are pleased with whatever happens.  But, I also know that if I make Christmas a full-blown extravaganza, then they will grow up thinking that’s what Christmas should be.

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Which reminds me of the movie, Up.  It was cute enough.  (Why do they always show the best parts in the trailers.  You expect more from the movie, and then you are disappointed when they don’t deliver.  Kind of reminds me of courtship and dating.)  I liked the little messages in the movie.  Russel (the 8 year old) is telling Mr. Fredericksen (the old man) what he likes to do with his dad.  After Russel describes a typical afternoon with his dad, he tells Mr. F. that he remembers the boring stuff that he did with his dad the most.

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A couple years ago, on the 26th of December (my favorite day of the year) I was explaining to the kids that I really like the ordinary, normal days of the year more than the “special” days.  The “special” days are birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day.  You know, the days filled with expectations and disappointments.

I’m constantly trying to tell myself not to have expectations.  I tell Jenny and Will that, too.  If you don’t have expectations, then you can be pleasantly surprised or amused by whatever comes your way.

That is much easier said than done.

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How about those jewelry store commercials on TV during the holidays and at Valentine’s Day?  Is there really a husband out there who carefully drapes the gorgeous diamond necklace across the pillow where his beautiful, 22 year old bride is sleeping?  (She must be 22 — she doesn’t have any lines on her face and she doesn’t snore.  And if your husband does that for you, then why are you reading this blog?)

The marketing forces of the world conspire to feed us those expectations.  Then we subtly nag our husbands to buy us diamonds.  When our husbands don’t get the hint, we can be mad at them for not treating us the way we think we deserve to be treated, and then we go out and by books on how to save our marriage.

That marketing stuff is really genius.

Give me the man who brings me coffee in the mornings, instead of the man who gives me diamonds on Christmas, once in a lifetime.

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Our little Advent Calendar is a lesson in enjoying the journey and not focusing so much on the goal.

It’s great to have a goal.

What kid doesn’t think of Christmas as the ultimate goal?  I won’t spoil that for them.  Maybe, in the process of this calendar, though, they’ll learn that there are simple joys in the normal days.  Those joys don’t need to cost a lot or require major effort.  Those simple normal days can be even sweeter than the “special” days.