I don’t like watching people eat live, slimy, crawling insects. In the old days, I watched the reality TV show, Survivor, with Mark. I haven’t checked out a reality show since. I’m not a snob. I just don’t get the fascination. Actually, I liked the part of Survivor where the contenders talked about their families, and I did like watching the dynamics of the groups at play. With each new season, it seemed to be less about interacting and more about eating creepy crawly things, so I lost interest. That being said, I’ve noticed that this blog strongly resembles reality TV. At least I’m sparing you the bad clothes and the smelly bathroom details.
I started this blog as a way to vent, and then process. Jen, Will and I were developing, and still are developing, some great tools for dealing with narcissism. First, it was about dealing with their dad’s narcissistic behaviors. The blog continues to be about their relationship with their dad, and ultimately my relationship with their dad, since you never really come to the end of a relationship with an ex. /:(
More recently, this blog has also been a significant tool that helps me figure out how to be in a healthy relationship, or least what I need to change about how I have been in relationships.
I have an image of this blog representing a tunnel. It’s a pretty dark tunnel, but it isn’t damp or cold, and we have each other. The kids and I are making it through this tunnel hand-in-hand. More than once-in-awhile, there are portholes in the walls of the tunnel. They shed some light on our path. These portholes are the tools that we’ve gathered – good words and small practices that we do in a day to help us stay positive. The portholes are also all the encouragement from those who comment and those who support us in our daily lives.
There is a faint sound in this tunnel. I think it comes from the end. It sounds like a breeze rustling leaves on trees, and birds fluttering and chirping, and a creek running nearby. It sounds like a great place to be. The three of us want to get there. We are making steady progress. Just ask Donna. She sent me this note a couple days ago.
“If you want proof (of your progress), start reading your blog at day one, thru yesterday. The transformation and growth is beautiful to behold.”
Thanks, Donna. That’s another porthole, right there.
Back to the tunnel… I’m packing a Heavy Duty Coleman Lantern, for when there isn’t a porthole to light the way. The kids are each packing extra D batteries. A lot of times the lantern illuminates a twisted tree root that is just about to trip us up. But, inevitably, there are times when I have the lantern pointed in the wrong direction, there isn’t a porthole, and we’ve been tripped by a nasty tree root. We pick ourselves up, add the new lesson to the toolbox, and grab each others’ hands and move on.
We have Cheetos, coffee, chocolate milk and enough provisions for the trip. We’ll be fine.
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I have some updates on emails that were exchanged between Mark and the kids. I wasn’t able to write about them today without sounding nasty and defeated. I’m going to look for a porthole and hope to update you tomorrow.
I also have updates on the relationship with John. That post will be titled, “When Accommodators Cave”. Yep. I caved. I am a wimp.
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With this ‘homekeeping’ post, I wanted to point the Coleman Lantern on where I am headed with this blog. The kids and I will continue to grow and learn. And thank you for reading and supporting us in that. But more than that, the other point (and it’s a big one) to sharing all our dirty laundry is that maybe someone else could benefit. Maybe writing about the roots that trip us up will keep others from tripping on the same roots. We don’t plan on eating any creepy bugs on the way, so no worries there.
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Just yesterday, Jenny handed me my ‘talent stamps’, as she called them. She had drawn little stamps on a strip of paper, and each stamp had a little heart. She said I earned those stamps because, “my mommy’s talent is loving people.” I like that. That’s a good talent. (She also gave me talent stamps for being a fast typist. She’s been seeing me doing that a lot lately.) In an effort to love more, I’ll continue to shine the lantern on the lessons we’ve learned.
I hope it’s helping.
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, divorce, life, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
